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Top 10 Tips for Choosing a Classy, Not Trashy Ball Gown

Erin Whitehead
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tagged: military life, humor
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(Photo credits by: Photo Pin)

It’s that time of year again for this Marine Corps Spouse.  Our birthday ball is fast approaching and USMC spouses everywhere are out looking for that perfect dress.  Oh how I envy our male counterparts in the military spouse world this time of year.  What man doesn’t look good in a tux?  And short of renting a powder blue one with a neon green cummerbund… you really can’t go wrong.  But for the ladies, well, a lot can go wrong.  Over the past 13 years I have been witness to some serious fashion disasters.  Much like that picture of the big, hairy spider your friend insists on posting in your newsfeed… those are images that you just can’t get out of your head.

This is the perfect time to tackle a Top Ten List that can help us all show up to whatever ball we will attend this year looking our best.  Be warned.  I am old fashioned.  I am a fierce advocate of covering your behind.  If you are hell bent on wearing that cute little number you found in the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Catalog… this piece might not be for you.  I want us to remain friends.  Let’s just agree to disagree, ok?

Top Ten Tips for Choosing a Classy, Not Trashy Ball Gown

10)  Floor length is best.

Oh, I know, I know… that’s an old-fashioned statement.  To be fair, I did just warn you.  But if your ball is considered formal, then it is customary to wear something floor length.   How do you know if it is formal?  A good rule of thumb is to find out what uniform is required of your spouse.  In the Marine Corps, if they are wearing their dress blues (especially if they are wearing medals and not just ribbons), it is appropriate to wear a formal gown.  Formal indicates floor length.

9) If not floor length, then PLEASE check the wind advisory

If there is any chance, at all, that your gown will not sufficiently cover your bum for any reason or at any point in the evening… get another gown.  This includes wind, dancing or bending over to pick up your purse.  We don’t really want to see your thong underwear… we would rather leave that up to the imagination, thank you.  Remember ladies… if your fingertips touch flesh when you put them by your side… there is a chance we can see more than we want.  In the age of camera phones… well, I am just trying to have your back… in a manner of speaking.

8) There should be no reason for tape.

If in order to keep your dress in place you require any form of tape… sports tape, masking tape, duct tape… it might be time to reconsider your selection.  I don’t really think this needs further explanation, do you?

7)  Your dress shouldn’t look like a jigsaw puzzle missing pieces.

You know what I am talking about.  We have all seen dresses with slits up to the crotch, non-existent backs that come very close to being an after school special about the dangers of crack, or mid-sections that look like they were cut out by a kindergartener who didn’t have a nap.   It does not matter if you have a body that would make Barbie jealous… formal attire means that the dress starts somewhere at the top of your body, ends somewhere beneath the knees… and there are no holes in between.

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