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Husband recently returned home and is in serious need of a babysitter.


You sound like his mom isn't that exhausting being a grown mans mommy?

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...Mad? Lol.  I think you might be a little too sensitive for this discussion.  I'm just trying to explain more of why I did what I did and what I have learned about addicts over the last few years I have dealt with it...and you took it as a personal attack?  Also, when did I ever ask for any advice?  I know there are no magic words that can automatically fix this, thats about as rediculous as thinking getting a new president will all of a sudden fix everyone's economic problems.  Sometimes you just need to know that there is someone out there who has gone through or are going through the same things you are.  I guess I come on here with this looking for someone who I can relate to.  Someone with a similar story.  Possibly even a success story.  The closest thing to a success story I have ever been able to find was from a woman who had to basically take over every penny that came into their hands and he was allowed a weekly allowance.  I tried that, he used technology to his advantage.  Keeping the majority of the money in the my accounts and paying all his bills for that half of the month on the day he gets paid is the closest thing I have found to success with him.  Well...it's been 2 years since our last near forclosure so I guess it's at least somewhat working.  As long as I keep that up we will be fine financially.  I just hate listening to him talk about everything he wants to do with his spare money and then watch him throw it all away like that.  I had last night off, so we spent some time downstairs with the music instruments trying to play by ear.  He has wanted to play guitar for years, yet he can't even tell me what note each string is.  I might have to find a music store and pick him up a beginner book.  Then maybe he would be able to at least tune the thing.  I also showed him some of my favortie wii fit games that I have been doing while he was gone.  He says he has wanted to go out jogging in the morning, but it's been raining almost constantly since he got home.  At this point I am trying to help him develope a hobby.  He has been good and not gone to the casino since he took the money our of his account.  Instead he went down to the bar down the street, had a few drinks, ticked off a 19 year old girl, and drunk texted some of his army buddies at 1:30 am.  I came home to a messy house and a husband who was still drunk after trying to sleep it off for 4 hours.  His logic also seems to be broken.  He had left a loaded gun downstairs by his bar.  He said he was alone and felt safer with it.  I pointed out locking the front door after he got home would also help...sigh.  He really needs something to do while i'm gone that will keep him interested and out of trouble.  He gets bored way too easily and creativity doesn't seem to be his forte.  I'm kinda jealous of those women that complain about their husbands playing too many video games.
 

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Did your passive aggressive point work? Honestly, what are you expecting from everyone?  The magic advice that is going to make your relationship better?  The thing is, and you already know this, there is no magic pill.  I just told you what I  would do in your situation.  Why are you getting mad at me?  If you decide that you are willing to put up with his behaviour, well then, that is up to you.  Personally, I know for a fact it is really difficult to put up with a person who is unwilling to help himself.   Obviously, you think so to or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.  Sorry, that I am not all knowing and can't just cure your relationship problems in three paragraphs.



I really don't see what is fun about doing something that could potentially really tick him off, and it wasn't for self gratification it was to make a point.  When your dealing with an addict the biggest thing in their lives becomes the money.  They will sell everything they own just to get the kick of the addiction and won't feel any remorse for it till after the high wears off and they end up emptyhanded.  It seems I got my point across though.  My husband went to his bank and took out all but a thousand out of his checking.  He handed me the money and told me to put it in the savings that i set up for him (in my name) before he went overseas.  I asked him if he wanted the $440 back, he said to keep it for now.  I was hoping that maybe he would have grown up a little bit during the deployment.  He was a big drinker before his second deployment and when he came back he found no interest in drinking so I guess I kinda had my fingers crossed.  Guess i'm going to have to go back to having control of absolutly everything like I did before.  He may just need time to settle down.  The gambling thing really didn't get that bad till after the second deployment and we have a theory it may be a form of PTSD.  Other signs started showing again yesterday.  He told me that he was sick of me keeping such a close eye on his accounts and that I should start respecting his privacy.  Trying to turn the tables on someone to make them feel guilty is another common trait of an addict.  If you try to confront them about their problems they will try to somehow turn the blame on you.  I just explained to him that i always check his accounts before paying the bills online to make sure the money is there.  He then tried to tell me that he has to get out because he is bored and finds all the work around the house to be overwhelming.  Excuse me?  I did the housework alone while you were gone and worked full time.  I am still doing the majority of the house work, you just pick up a little chore here and there.  Furthermore, how can you be bored?  There are so many things in the house that you said you missed while overseas, it's time to develope a hobby.  Nice try guy but i'm not falling for it.  Maybe one of these days he will get help for it, but if an addict doesn't want help nothing in the world is going to do any good.  He has to want it first.  All I know is if I leave he will throw away everything, and I don't know another woman out there who would have put the effort into helping this man that I have.  I have come to this site to see if there has been anyone else who has delt with this before.  It's always the same thing, "you can't change him, you can't help him, cut your losses and run".  Really? not even one person?  We have made progress in the past and I intend on doing it again.  I guess this deployment was a setback for us.  Got to start working on making those financial wheels turn again so he feels a bit of the remorse for what he is about to do beforehand instead of afterwards.  All I can say is fall semester can't start soon enough.



I already know he won't go to couceling, I have tried that in the past.  But I think I might have come up with something that might get his attention.  After a little while of thinking (and a glass of wine) I took the liberty of giving myself the differance of what i made and what he spent.  He is still asleep, so i'm leaving a note by his ashtray so he will see it when he gets up.  It goes a little something like this:

Noticed you went to the casino again last night.  I was thinking that maybe it was time to put in a notice to work so I can stay home and babsit you, but then I thought of a better idea.  I spent all night walking, lifting, and stocking shelves.  You spent most of the night sitting on your butt and sleeping.  When I came I swept the dirt off the floors, put the liquor bottles away, emptied your ashtrays, and payed your bills.  I also picked up some food.  You said you were going to go grocery shopping, but there is no new food in the house.  I asked you to put away the laundry so I wouldn't wake you, but here it is on the couch.  I made (after taxes and gas) about $60.  You spent (not including gas) over $500.  So I took the liberty of transfereing $440 from your savings to mine to make everything that i'm doing a little more worth while.  Have a nice day.

...Mad? Lol.  I think you might be a little too sensitive for this discussion.  I'm just trying to explain more of why I did what I did and what I have learned about addicts over the last few years I have dealt with it...and you took it as a personal attack?  Also, when did I ever ask for any advice?  I know there are no magic words that can automatically fix this, thats about as rediculous as thinking getting a new president will all of a sudden fix everyone's economic problems.  Sometimes you just need to know that there is someone out there who has gone through or are going through the same things you are.  I guess I come on here with this looking for someone who I can relate to.  Someone with a similar story.  Possibly even a success story.  The closest thing to a success story I have ever been able to find was from a woman who had to basically take over every penny that came into their hands and he was allowed a weekly allowance.  I tried that, he used technology to his advantage.  Keeping the majority of the money in the my accounts and paying all his bills for that half of the month on the day he gets paid is the closest thing I have found to success with him.  Well...it's been 2 years since our last near forclosure so I guess it's at least somewhat working.  As long as I keep that up we will be fine financially.  I just hate listening to him talk about everything he wants to do with his spare money and then watch him throw it all away like that.  I had last night off, so we spent some time downstairs with the music instruments trying to play by ear.  He has wanted to play guitar for years, yet he can't even tell me what note each string is.  I might have to find a music store and pick him up a beginner book.  Then maybe he would be able to at least tune the thing.  I also showed him some of my favortie wii fit games that I have been doing while he was gone.  He says he has wanted to go out jogging in the morning, but it's been raining almost constantly since he got home.  At this point I am trying to help him develope a hobby.  He has been good and not gone to the casino since he took the money our of his account.  Instead he went down to the bar down the street, had a few drinks, ticked off a 19 year old girl, and drunk texted some of his army buddies at 1:30 am.  I came home to a messy house and a husband who was still drunk after trying to sleep it off for 4 hours.  His logic also seems to be broken.  He had left a loaded gun downstairs by his bar.  He said he was alone and felt safer with it.  I pointed out locking the front door after he got home would also help...sigh.  He really needs something to do while i'm gone that will keep him interested and out of trouble.  He gets bored way too easily and creativity doesn't seem to be his forte.  I'm kinda jealous of those women that complain about their husbands playing too many video games.
 

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Did your passive aggressive point work? Honestly, what are you expecting from everyone?  The magic advice that is going to make your relationship better?  The thing is, and you already know this, there is no magic pill.  I just told you what I  would do in your situation.  Why are you getting mad at me?  If you decide that you are willing to put up with his behaviour, well then, that is up to you.  Personally, I know for a fact it is really difficult to put up with a person who is unwilling to help himself.   Obviously, you think so to or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.  Sorry, that I am not all knowing and can't just cure your relationship problems in three paragraphs.

My husband has been home for about a week and a half now.  He has had a gambling addiction as long as I have known him but seemed to be getting better before he left.  He also recently got into investing in silver.  He was expecting me to get upset but i think it's a better use of his money then going to the casino.  We also agreed that if he wanted to go he would wait till I could go with him.  I told him we could use it as a date night...and he spends less when i'm there to watch him.  The first couple of nights he was back were okay...cause I had them off of work.  He said he would stay up overnight so we could spend my nights off together.  I had to work one night, the next night I had off so we spent that time together and everything seemed fine.  Then i had a 5 night stretch.  After the first night he told me he was bored and since I had to work the next 4 nights he was going to go and visit his cousin a couple of hours away.  I was upset because he had just gotten home a few days ago, but I told him it was alright.  The next morning after work I checked his bank account before I mailed out the house payment.  Both nights I had worked while he was home he had withdrawn over $500 at a casino...both nights.  I was upset, he wouldn't answer his phone so i sent him a text reminding him about our agreement and that he had broken it.  He responded "what agreement?".  So i told him that I found out he had gone to the casino alone both nights at spent over 5 times what i make at one night at work.  I reminded him that he had agreed and promised that he would only go with me.  He told me he had forgetten about our agreement and that he had gone to visit his cousin because he was bored and it made him get in trouble.  He said he wouldn't go by himself again.  He came home after my five day stretch and we spent my two days off together.  He has now decided that he will go back to being awake during the day so he can get some work done around the house and yard and he won't be so bored.  So, now we spend less time together but i figure if it keeps him from going to the casinos then so be it.  Just got home from the first night at work a couple of hours ago.  He is asleep.  I checked his account before i paid his credit card bill.  There are ATM transactions from last night totaling over $500 at the casino again.  After taxes and gas my take home pay from work is only about $60 a night.  I am starting to think that maybe we would be better off if i just quit my job so I could babysit him and keep him out of trouble.  It would save us a lot of money.  He doesn't plan on getting a job.  He plans on starting school this upcoming fall and doesn't want to work while he is going to school.  If he doesn't get a job then he can get unemployment to help with the bills.  We have already had the couceling for his addiction talk, he refuses to get help.  He says that a person should be able to overcome addictions by themselves and that every addiction organization is ment to brainwash you into going to church.  He has already adimitted he has a problem.  The majority of his money is in one of my savings accounts that i setup for him before the deployment.  All I have to do to keep him away from that account is walk in with the POA and remove his name from the account and at least that one is safe.  I just hate that he keeps thinking he can go behind my back.  He knows I will eventually find out, but he keeps doing it anyways.  At this point it's not about the money,  it's about constantly having to worry about what he is doing while i'm at work.  I'm tempted to tell him that if it happens one more time I am putting in my notice and he can pay all the bills by himself.

Honestly, I don't think you being a babysitter is going to do much.  Your husband clearly has a gambling addiction if he has no problem blowing a $1000 in two nights and doesn't tell you about it.  You need to cut him out of the bank accounts if you want to keep any of the money that you have saved, and he is going to have to get help if you are going to want this relationship to work.  Yes, some people can overcome addiction on their own, but I don't think your husband is one of them--he doesn't seem to be.  If he won't get help, if I were you, I would seriously reconsider your  stake in this relationship.  It doesn't sound like he will quit--even with you babysitting him.  There are groups out there that deal with gambling addictions or you could try to set up appointments for your husband for counseling, but if I were you I would do something than just babysit and do it quickly before he drains you of all your money.

I know that was fun, and you got some short-term gratification from it, but its not going to solve the problem.  If he won't go to counseling, then I would really reconsider this relationship.  He will probably continue gambling.  I guess you have decide when enough is enough.  He will probably gamble you into the poor house.  If I were you, I would cut my losses and move on.

Did your passive aggressive point work? Honestly, what are you expecting from everyone?  The magic advice that is going to make your relationship better?  The thing is, and you already know this, there is no magic pill.  I just told you what I  would do in your situation.  Why are you getting mad at me?  If you decide that you are willing to put up with his behaviour, well then, that is up to you.  Personally, I know for a fact it is really difficult to put up with a person who is unwilling to help himself.   Obviously, you think so to or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.  Sorry, that I am not all knowing and can't just cure your relationship problems in three paragraphs.

image

Hi Lynn... you are right. Most people will tell you to cut your losses and run. Because... maybe they've had some experience in the area. Most habits of humans are pretty consistent, and people don't change unless they decide to do it themselves. With addiction, a person has to hit "bottom" before they can pick themselves back up. Sometimes the addict is being enabled, unconsciously, by a loved one. If you want to help your husband I would suggest talking to him first, and I mean a serious heart-to-heart, comin' to Jesus talk, where you can explain your expectations and the consequences of them not being met. This is not to be twisted as an ultimatum. It's perfectly healthy to set boundaries in a marriage of respect. If not, then it wouldn't be a healthy marriage. Once you two have laid the ground work for this you must make sure you follow through with the consequences from unmet expectations. Whether it be going to his superiors, taking complete control of ALL incoming funds, or the extreme of leaving... you must follow through.
 

I would also strongly suggest to him counseling. Not you. Not you two together. Just him. That's not saying you couldn't go with him in the future, but at this point the focus should be entirely on his issues. He (most likely) won't feel comfortable talking about the potential roots of this in front of you.

It shows that you are very dedicated to your husband and marriage. I hope he is open to help.

Good luck to you both!
 

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I really don't see what is fun about doing something that could potentially really tick him off, and it wasn't for self gratification it was to make a point.  When your dealing with an addict the biggest thing in their lives becomes the money.  They will sell everything they own just to get the kick of the addiction and won't feel any remorse for it till after the high wears off and they end up emptyhanded.  It seems I got my point across though.  My husband went to his bank and took out all but a thousand out of his checking.  He handed me the money and told me to put it in the savings that i set up for him (in my name) before he went overseas.  I asked him if he wanted the $440 back, he said to keep it for now.  I was hoping that maybe he would have grown up a little bit during the deployment.  He was a big drinker before his second deployment and when he came back he found no interest in drinking so I guess I kinda had my fingers crossed.  Guess i'm going to have to go back to having control of absolutly everything like I did before.  He may just need time to settle down.  The gambling thing really didn't get that bad till after the second deployment and we have a theory it may be a form of PTSD.  Other signs started showing again yesterday.  He told me that he was sick of me keeping such a close eye on his accounts and that I should start respecting his privacy.  Trying to turn the tables on someone to make them feel guilty is another common trait of an addict.  If you try to confront them about their problems they will try to somehow turn the blame on you.  I just explained to him that i always check his accounts before paying the bills online to make sure the money is there.  He then tried to tell me that he has to get out because he is bored and finds all the work around the house to be overwhelming.  Excuse me?  I did the housework alone while you were gone and worked full time.  I am still doing the majority of the house work, you just pick up a little chore here and there.  Furthermore, how can you be bored?  There are so many things in the house that you said you missed while overseas, it's time to develope a hobby.  Nice try guy but i'm not falling for it.  Maybe one of these days he will get help for it, but if an addict doesn't want help nothing in the world is going to do any good.  He has to want it first.  All I know is if I leave he will throw away everything, and I don't know another woman out there who would have put the effort into helping this man that I have.  I have come to this site to see if there has been anyone else who has delt with this before.  It's always the same thing, "you can't change him, you can't help him, cut your losses and run".  Really? not even one person?  We have made progress in the past and I intend on doing it again.  I guess this deployment was a setback for us.  Got to start working on making those financial wheels turn again so he feels a bit of the remorse for what he is about to do beforehand instead of afterwards.  All I can say is fall semester can't start soon enough.

Definitely do NOT quit your job. Not in this economy, with a financially irresponsible husband who's putting you on a bad road toward bankruptcy.

Nagging and spying on the bank account isn't going to help. Nothing is more certain to alienate a man and push him in the exact opposite direction that you want him to go. When you nag, you're setting up a mother/child relationship. What you need is for him to see you--and see himself--as an equal partner, working together for the benefit of both of you.

What matters to him? What consequences would get him to take you seriously? Does he value your marriage and your life together? Do the two of you have children? Will his school plans be threatened if he blows too much of your savings?

In your shoes, I would arrange a time for the two of you to have a talk when you aren't upset. Practice it ahead of time so that you don't fly off the handle--what you want is to be calm, collected, rational and serious. I would say something like this: "Honey, you know how much I love you and want for us to have a good life together. But right now I'm scared. I'm scared about your gambling problem and how much money has evaporated because of it. I'm scared that you don't seem to care how much this upsets me and hurts me. And more than anything, I'm scared that our life together and all our plans for the future are going to go down the drain if we can't work together to get past this problem."

If he won't listen...get some counseling for yourself, and also take any steps possible to keep him from sinking both of you with his financial irresponsibility.

 
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