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In-Laws WHY the Hate..

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Well, mine makes snide remarks about how they are missing out on adult bonding time with my husband because of his life choices and tons of other bubblegush that hint that I am a burden to him. While my husband was at BMT, they drove me insane, acting like I was keeping info from them. (Even though I told them everything) WEll, I told my husband this and he seemed to agree with me and was going to protect me from it....but now that he is on con-leave and they can speak to him, he's back to the way he was before bmt. Seems like when they can talk to him, I take the back seat and they do no wrong. I'm just fed up with feeking second best. Wish he'd go back to bmt, at least then I felt like I had a husband.


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I get along with my in-laws, luckily. I have grown pretty close to my older SIL but it hasn't always been that way. To them, I was just another flavor of the month and I would soon come and go. 


If it were the opposite, I would not come between my husband and his family. His family is his family nonetheless. On the other hand, I certainly believe that I should be the first woman in his life. Yes his mom has been around well before I have come into the picture; however, I will be around well after she is gone. If he were to make a decision that could affect me or his family, I personally expect him to choose me. Call me selfish but I feel we our his "first" family. Any decision made should be considered with his wife and mother of his children in mind. I expect him to stick up for me because I would (and have) done the same for him with my own family. 


Hang on, I wanna try something!

While I do agree that some people are just hard to deal with in general. I just feel bad for those of you who arent able to have a great relationship with the in-laws. I never met my husbands father, he passed when him & I first started dating. His mother is so kind & generous. My daughter was 4 when I married my husband and his mother treats her like she was there her whole life. She sends her amazing gifts & always talks to her on the phone & will spend the whole day catering to her when we visit. Even when his brother was certain I was marrying my hubby "for someone to take care of me" his mother defended me without really knowing me. She will always have a place in my heart for that. I hope that all of you with "difficult" in-laws will one day be able to mend fences. & if not, just know that they are the ones missing out by ignoring the adult choices their sons (or daughters) have made.


I am all for not coming between a spouse and their family. However, the DIL or SIL should be granted the same consideration. I think most of the time when people are ranting or venting about their in laws, it has to do with the in laws attempting to sabotage their marriage, in some way, shape or form. And at times, their is no "living and let live" in those situations. You can try to be polite, you can try avoidance. But their comes a time when those things do not work. Then, what do you do?

So I started reading through the posts, and I wonder how anyone can judge wives. You can't make up in your wildest dreams the depths in laws are capable of, to keep their "baby boy" emotionally all theirs.   In law issues are practically folklore -- even exists in the bible. I know there are wives out there who cause friction, but if you are treating their son well and being polite and inclusive, there is no excuse to insist we share the blame for their pyschotic behavior.  Trust me, we have tried every pastor-suggested tactic to deal with my in-laws, and nothing has changed.

   I started out with a great relationship with my in-laws, and ignored that they tried to control and belittle their sons, and that they have a long history of starting family feuds with various relatives over ridiculous things.   When we got married, I nagged DH to call his parents more, include them more in our life, b/c I come from a "more the merrier" household.   My family made an effort even, and they treat my DH great. But his parent believe "if my son loves something, he has less love for me" , therefore were offended to hear about his job, friends, awards, medical issues -- and repeatedly told him "We don't like how you talk about your wife... like she's the center of the universe"  Really?!  Not glad that their son is a good man who does good things and has a wife who loves him and treats him well?   They reward his adult brother for failing and for "obedience" to them.  We were constantly being "Christian" and apologizing for percieved slights against them, like not serving them food on our wedding china every night.

When we finally got pregnant, they were ANGRY-- yelling, accusing, saying the ugliest things, even to cornering MY relatives at the grocery store and telling them what a horrible person I am. (frankly, I think they did it because upsetting me hurts DH, and they like to watch suffering).  His brother has even threatened to physically assault us, with their support.  Why?!   Our child was born on a holiday, and they left a message telling him that "they hoped he knew that he'd be having much more fun with "his family" than in a hospital, and wasn't he sorry?"  It wasn't a joke, they were serious!  

I am glad I never tried to come between them, even though they decimate DH's self-esteem,  bc when they made him choose btw his wife/child and them.... HE picked US.    And they disowned him, and told his relatives ugly things about him.  Even that has not stopped them from sending us manipulative notes and emails all the time.  We just want them to leave us in peace, and they won't even do that.  

 I will say this. This post may get a little long. I do not hate my in-laws. At first My MIL and I got along like 2 peas in a pod. We talked we laughed we shared stories. You see i've known my in-laws since I was 10. All except my FIL. Well MIL and I got along great, SIL and I get along great, FIL and I butted heads horribly.  The day we announced our engagement is when MIL and I didn't get along so great. She was still very civil towards me but the atmosphere turned a little red when that ring was put on my finger. Comments were made. Then FIL and I became a little more civil around each other, SIL and I have never had any problems at all.  The day DH and I said I DO was the day my MIL became pure evil. She would make comments about us being too young  yes we were in our early 20's however she was 16 when she married THE FIRST TIME.   Plus making comments about not having any kids until we were for sure we were going to stay together and this wasn't just a "phase". Those remarks were eh whatever but still very rude. A year into our marriage we found out we had gotten pregnant. We weren't trying but not preventing at the same time. We were ecstatic at the news. MIL told us how horrible of a mistake we made and how I had my DH trapped now even though we have known each other for 14 years dated for 6 engaged for 2 and now married for 2 with a 7 almost 8 month old son. She accused me of ruining my husbands life and that I wasn't her daughter in law and will never be considered her daughter in law and how our unborn child ( at the time) doesn't and will never matter to her. She then proceeded to, while she is standing there with her "drink of choice" in hand, hits me in my stomach at 6 months pregnant. I did everything I could to keep from hitting that woman. My husband saw this with his own eyes. He has NEVER hit a woman but was ready to at this point.  I instinctively Hit her back in defense( in her chest it was more of a very hard shove) and rage for my unborn child and my own sanity.  Well he defended me and we left. At this point in life he was preparing for BMT for the Air Force. He is now gone to BMT in the Air Force and she has gotten NASTY. She called me the day after he left trying to find someone to talk to. I spoke with her and tried to comfort her as best I can behind the comments of,"You will never understand  what it's like to lose someone you love", and " He is my son I will be here longer than any woman who tries to ruin his life."  So I told her I'm sorry I can no longer speak with you, you have his address to write, and he has your number to call. Please do not call me anymore.  Well it's been a month and she decides to call and chit chat. The first call yesterday was OK. Then she let me go and said she would call me back. After having her "drink of choice" she decides to call me back later that evening.  I attempted to sit through the slurring and crying and the murmering incoherently. Then she begins cursing at me and states that once again I will never understand what it's like to be seperated from the person I love ( I kept my mouth shut), then it went to When you decide to leave him... ( I advised her I had been with him 14 and will be with him forever more, I have no intent to leave him, I do believe he is my soulmate). Her tune changed to after this , " When he decides to divorce you and find a "REAL" woman.  I let her babble on.... Then came the ," I will be here longer than any tramp that decides to ruin his life, yours the next and the next and if you don't like it then you can F*** OFF!!!" Well I said WOW. That's all I said at that point. She said Yeah wow Kiss my A**.  I said no honey with all do respect you F*** OFF and when you decide to sober up you can call me back. I hung up the phone. She immediately calls back. I answer. I said I don't believe you have sobered up quite that quick from tequila and congratulations your number is now blocked. But Oh no ladies and gentlemen the story doesn't end here LOL.  My wonderful FIL who spent  many many years with her, she gives him a call. She tells him the story ( the truth) HAHAHAHA he defends ME. She told him repeatedly that My husband would leave me AND HIS SON for her.  My FIL said "DONNA, Are you stupid. why would you believe that he would leave that woman and his child whom he loves very much and is very good for him for his mother?!"  LOL PRICELESS    Anyways yes, I understand some spouses do bring some of the drama on including myself occassionally but honey  try and try alike the outcome is not the same.  Some MIL are just NUTS. Some MIL need to be handled. Some MIL get OWNED by their ex husband.  Ladies with IL troubles BLOCK, DELETE the annoyances from your own life. If your S/O see's whats going on I hope they do. Then you are safe, Let them talk S*** behind your back. But there are ways to avoid it. She can write him all the letters she wants, she can call him and talk .... but by george he knows who I am more than she does. I'm the one he lays down with and has pillow talk with and just like she's not going anywhere until the day she croaks, neither am I. 

I read this, and laughed.  I have been married for 16 years.  I met my husband in high school, and we got married after he was commissioned and graduated from college.  I would love to love my in-laws.  

My FIL sexually molested three people in his family, including my SIL, who in turn molested my husband.  When my husband did his second deployment, it was to Iraq mid-war.  My husband told her that he had taken out a life insurance policy, so that my son and myself were taken care of in case of anything happening.  With SGLI, I would have gotten over $1 million if something happened.  My MIL said, "I don't understand why an 9 month old needs $1 million."  Before we got pregnant with my son, my MIL gave us money to freeze my husband's sperm.  Was upset when we didn't spend the money on freezing his sperm, and instead put it into my son's education fund.  When my son was two he was diagnosed with autism.  My FIL refers to him as the "little r*tard," and my MIL said, "well, now that he's not going to college, you can use that money I gave you to go to Hawaii and go on a real honeymoon."

That's not even mentioning my SILs, BILs, and other family members.  My BIL told my me, in front of my son, "I wouldn't give you a plug nickle for that one."  <pointing to his nephew with autism.  My OSIL, the one who molested my husband (he forgave), went on line and said that my husband ruined her childhood, because my MIL favored him over her.  My other SIL is a crack addict who lives under a bridge and has come to various relatives houses trying to rob them.  My youngest SIL is almost 30, getting married this fall, and wants a cardboard cutout of my husband at her wedding for pictures, she's also having a temper tantrum that I haven't made up my mind if I'm coming to see the dysfunctional family from hell.  My husband's favorite aunt demanded a paternity test for my son, and said that if she ever saw me she would "beat me up."  Another aunt comforted her daughter by stating about my daughter, "don't worry, she'll be ugly, look at who her parents are."

So forgive me for praising the Good Lord that we haven't lived closer than 8 hours to that bunch...  

I guess I've been fortunate. Both times I've been married, I've had great in-laws. On the flip side, I think MY parents just tolerated my first husband for my sake, but they love my current husband. I know my current MIL was a little reserved at first, but it's hard to blame her being that my husband and I met and got engaged within 4 months of knowing eachother and got married a few months after that, but she's never been anything but nice to me and supportive of us. Even now that my husband is deployed, she still calls every Sunday to talk to me and has offered to come up and help out if I feel I need a break or some assistance with our son.

I hate my inlaws--there is no question there.  I have never come between them and their son--ever.  I have always been there for them, kept them informed, and I have actually been the one that encouraged they mend their relationships, but as a family, they are incapable of communicating on any sort of level that would even allow for civilized conversation.  I have been honest and polite.   The last time they invited themselves to our house for two weeks, they took advantage of our hospitality and offered little in the way of return.

 

They literally change my husband every time they come in contact with him.  He reverts back to the way things were when he was a child and believe me it is neither pleasant to deal with or pleasant to overcome after they have left because my husband doesnt even realize just how mean he becomes. 

 

These people take every chance they can to berate my husband and I and to let us know just how awful our ideas and thoughts are.

 

Believe me I have tried to be nice to these people, tried to understand them, tried to help them, etc, etc, etc, but after 11 years of putting up with, being honest, and trying to mend this family, I am just unwilling to do it anymore.  My husband definitely agrees with me--hes had enough too.  I'll admit I come to this board to complain because its my only outlet and I feel like there are people here who understand.


I completely agree with you except for one thing. When you say "don't try and come between them and your husband." I don't try to, but THEY try to come between him and I. My husband is currently deployed and I am making an effort to maintain a relationship with his parents, I take my child to see them, maybe not as often as they'd like, but again it has to work for me. I have always told my husband that I will never make him choose between his family and myself, but if it came down to it, he better choose me. We are now a family, and they do not respect that. I put it this way... would your MIL like her MIL still telling her how to run her and her husband's life? Telling her how to raise her kids? Telling her what house to buy, ect.? No, I don't think so. I respect my MIL because she is my husband's mother and because she is the grandmother of my child. But I don't need her calling my husband and telling him what he should or should not do with his money. Or telling me what I should feed my child. I also don't need her asking us person questions about money, ect. They need to understand that they no longer control what their sons are doing in there life. I think once MILs understand their new role in their sons life, then there will be less tension. Until then the DILs probably will have a problem with their MILs. It also sometimes is reversed, the MILs do understand what role they should now play in their son's life and the DILs cause problems for no reason. they both n96eed to respect EACH OTHER for the relatiosnhip to work, bottom line!


I know I will get some bad post about this but why the hate when it comes to the In-Laws? I can say there are some bad ones out there but you as the wife/husband need to know that the family was there long before you and I have to say they don't just go away once you marry .. SORRY-- if you wanted to live life without In-Laws then you should have married someone with no family ties.. I can Say I dont have the best relationship with my In-Laws but I DONT COME BETWEEN THEM AND HIM.. I just dont go with him when he wants to go home to see his family and I Play nice when they come to see him after deployments... There is nothing wrong with letting him or her have their family time and its wrong to make your Husband or Wife choose between the two of you. Now I do think the Man/ Woman need to stick up for their spouse if the family tries to cause issues.. So again I ask why the hate.. why cant you just let him or her have their relationship with their families and you just step a side and live your life? I for one can say it works and it doesn't cause any issues with Hubby and I... may want to give it a try; just tell him/her that you are respecting the relationship they have with their family and dont want to come between that love.. You may see a change.. I sure did when his mother asked why I didn't come around and I told her my feelings..... and I can say she has treated me a lot better then she use to.. she now respects OUR family time and now calls and ASK (not tell) when she wants to visit and she also has respected me for my honesty about the issues we have had in the past.. Remember there is always a adjustment time after a Marriage and it takes time for each side to come to terms with boundaries (the Brides side as well as the Grooms side) I can say there are some Women out there that cry over the MIL but she cant see the issues her man has when it comes to her family.... Just remember if you cant make an effort to get along with his family dont expect him to to make an effort to get along with yours..

This completely reminded me.  We had our first Yellow Ribbon meeting a little while back and there was a woman that got up and talked about how women can explain to their husbands the difference in importance between their mother and wife.  She literally said "ladies, get up on top of your husband... and once you're all up there nice and cozy, tell him that unless his mom is doing for him what you are doing for him you do not have equal billing."


"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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I agree.  I love my in-laws, and sometimes more than my own family.  I too don't understand why there is so much hate.  I find its more common with newer spouses, its like its a power struggle, i just dont get it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wouldn't say I hate my in-laws, I love my FIL to death he is awesome, but my MIL is another story, i don't know if she likes me or not, it's hard to tell with her but I am sure in my heart she doesn't like me. so many things have happened since my hubby and I got married 8 years ago, first she told him i was only marrying him for his paycheck and benefits with out even meeting me, i had a job that made just as much as him and had my own benefits.  Then she tells me that my hubby will always be in love with his 1st fiance and then invites her to our wedding shower. thankfully she didn't come but her mother did. She barely called me through his first deployment even though i was alone with 3 kids, one of them a newborn. then she had to be the first one to hug him upon return for his deployment which was fine with me, since she had to hug him through our daughter that ran for him while pushing people out of the way ( she was 5) then second deployment came around and the in laws came down, hubby left on a Thursday and he asked them to stay through the weekend to help me and she said she had to get home to work on her kitchen, even though we had a 2 week old at the time and she didn't even want to spend time with her or the other grandkids.  She has "forgotten" the kids birthdays even though hubby has reminded them and the two youngest kids share her and my FIL's birthdays ( shouldn't that win me some DIL of the year points at least?)  this past year my hubby was in Korea for the year, she never called, oh wait she did once when we got our tax return in and she wanted to let me know how much to send them since we owed them some money. i tried calling and talking to her but she seemed to busy and uninterested in what i was telling her and now that we have PCSed to a new base that is 3 1/2 hours from them, she has never come up here, my FIL has been up here twice but she just can't make that long of a trip and I am  NOT packing up 4 kids to go and visit her, we did that at our last base with an 8 hour trip and i am not doing it again.  the one time she was suppose to come up here, she called the morning they were suppose to leave and said she was just to sick to make the trip, my hubby was crushed and has sworn not to invite her up here again, and the icing on the cake was them "forgetting" to send our oldest daughter a card for her birthday this past week, my hubby was beyond angry and when his mom called she didn't have enough time to talk to our daughter on the phone but chatted on about his brother and his kids ( they are all she talks about when she calls anyway, she does everything for them!!) we have two more birthdays coming up in the next two weeks so we will see if they forget those, since they are the kids with the birthdays the same as her's and my FIL's .  I don't tell my hubby my feelings about his mother, i let him vent to me when he is upset with her which is most of the time, but she is his mother and he loves her so i will love her too and her craziness even if she likes me or not. 

 I've actually taken the same approach--only now see MIL on holidays and am civil and polite, nothing more. I have taken the high road despite her completely rude behavior and continual attempts to come between my husband and I. Do I like her? No, but I only tolerate her when necessary. She has had some truly crazy moments though, especially when I was pregnant (and later miscarried). She wants to be a grandma in the worst way. 


In defense of other extreme cases in laws, I would say that cutting them off (at least for a time) is necessary in hopes of things getting better. The drama gets to be too much and when that's the case, it's best to walk away. 


I like your idea of: why cant we all just get along... in a perfect world that'd be great! But I know in my situation that is impossible task. Some families are stubborn and two faced (that'd describe my inlaws) not to mention selfish. Although I do not attend their family functions anymore with my husband, I do take my son over there to see them while he is away for AF stuff.  I would prefer to never see them again... they've ruined my wedding, almost ruined my marriage, not to mention ruined my name in certain circles in my town.  Not everyone is worth getting along with... I know this because I come from an amazing and loving family who embrace my husband and our life choices, while his does the exact opposite and offers no apologies for their behaviors. So... just another side to the argument.

I hate my MIL. My husband's family is "Mormon" (even though non of them go to church... ever) and when she found I wasn't a Mormon and wasn't planning on converting, she has hated me. I'm also half Asian and she always has a snide, racial remark. At our wedding, she insulted me, my little sister, my mother and my grandparents (my mother's parents). It was to the point that my mother had to leave because she was so upset. She has 4 sons and the oldest 2 are living at home, on drugs, unemployed and in and out of jail. My husband and his youngest brother are both in the military and she treats the two of them like CRAP for "leaving her" while the oldest 2 are treated like kings. I think it's great if someone has a good relationship with their in-laws but sometimes it's just not possible.  


I hear ya anangelsmom. I'm getting pretty tired of reading the same ol' "I hate my in-laws" rants. I understand that having a great relationship with your in-laws like I do is not always the case but I have to think that maybe it's the way I view them as well. I respect them as being in his life before and longer than I have. They have seen sides of him that I have never seen and hopefully will never see. There are things about them that annoy me of course but I adapt and overcome. They don't have as much money as we do and flying the entire family across the U.S. would break them. Do I hate having to fly there every time we want to spend time together, oh he!! yeah, but I do it because family is the most important thing. I view a marriage as joining two families. Not creating a completely separate one. 

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i don't believe conflict with in laws is a power struggle, but more so a lack of proper communication skills and poor etiquette on both sides of the party.  in laws can be snippy, overbearing, and sometimes outright rude.  other times, we play the that part in the relationship by being obnoxious when it comes to the relationship our husband/wife has with his family.  honestly, it's different for everyone and i believe when people come to the forums to rant about their issues with in laws it's not really about hatred, it's more along the lines of being frustrated.  i, myself, have a fairly good relationship with my husband's family.  but, that isn't to say i am not strong minded when it comes to certain things.  my husband's family has been there and will be there for him, but once you take a partner, they too become your immediate family.  i am not saying that sacrificing a relationship with your family is okay, i am saying that it becomes a different tune when you're married.  you move away, make babies, and start to the evolution all over again so that one day you are the in laws.  i think parents will always play (and i am talking about good ones) a part in their child's life, but interfering after a certain point is just not justifiable unless an issue (addiction or other catastrophic events) occurs.  i think that is the stressed issue at hand with a lot of posts regarding in laws.  it's not about having a leverage of power, it's simply stems from frustrations.

 


i just keep thinking wookies and jawas!

I hate my in-laws for the complete opposite reason you posted. My in-laws HATE me, so much to the point that they will NOT see my husband because of it. You would think I have done something wrong to them right? Somehow broke his heart or cheated or something? No!

When we first started dating my hubby talked to his mom, she heard me in the background talking to our friend, and asked who that "asdfjkl;" was. I never measure up to her, and she doesn't even take the time to find out why she hates me. I WANT my husband to have a relationship with her, he is working on with his father now. But he is tired of putting in the effort only to hear every single time they talk about why I don't do this, or why my religion is that, and how could he marry someone like ME (who again she has never taken the time to actually get to know).

We were planning on  meeting my family and his family in Memphis which is about halfway for all of us (some from GA, SC, and KY, and we are in OK) for my son's first birthday, when my husband told her, she said she wouldn't go, but if we wanted her there we would go to KY (an 18 hr drive for us, and a 12 hr drive for my parents who are broke atm) Then she got mad when he said we couldn't do that cause it wouldn't be fair for everyone. She went on about how she wasn't ever going to see her grandsom (who btw she never calls to ask about or asks for pictures, when we had our baby shower she didn't send anything NOT EVEN A CARD!) Sorry, but I will hate her until one of us dies...I know it's harsh, but I would also support my husband if he wanted to have a relationship with her, just so long as me or our son are not involved.

 

I don't hate my in-laws but I can't say I like them much either. I don't like the way they treat my husband. His mother in particular has no respect for his decision to join the military. She won't let him talk about his work or even look at him if he wears anything camo in the same room with her. She told me, "I would rather he came out as gay than joined the Army." I just stared at her, thinking, "There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I can't even count them."


So...hate, no. But I'm never going to love somebody who treats my husband that way.


 i wouldnt say that i hate some of my inlaws. but there are like two that i only talk to them when we are around them for the simple fact that when we (my hubby and i ) first told my father inlaw and my hubby's stepmother that we was getting married. the first thing out of their mouths (and keep in mind that this was also the first time that i was meeting them) was that we had better not have kids because they did not want to be grandparents again. and my hubby's stepmother does not really like us well mainly my hubby i think. we have been told that she has said and thinks that she wishes it had been my hubby who had died back in like 2002 instead of her son. and this was recently that she has said this. i know she may still be grieving but she shouldnt have said that. i dont think i can forgive on that. and also it seems like that my inlaws are bring up that they all are on their second marriage and they are more in love and happy in their second marriage. well to me that just makes me feel like they are wanting my hubby and i to divorce. and also like with my father inlaw and stepmother inlaw they have never really came to our house when we have invited them. except one time and that was like back in jan of last year. but they are always expecting us to come and visit them even when we do not have the money for gas.  but i will not stop my hubby from having a relationship with them but that doesnt meant that i have to enjoy my time with them.

 
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