Headed towards a divorce because of in-laws, need HELP!
While I can see taking temporary custody of sister to get her off drugs as being noble and how hard it must be on DH ... um... it is not something DH can expect done lightly, quickly, or unilaterally! 1. you guys are not trained for handling drug rehab issues, 2. you are both young yourselves and this sister is probably uncontrollable and angry, 3. she's going to bring all of DH's family dysfunction into the house and wreck your marriage, and maybe DH's career like the other poster said. I wouldn't adopt unless you guys tried temporary custody AND hardcore counseling first! I am wondering if he wants to adopt so she can have Tricare rehab, but if you talk to Tricare and/or base legal, temporary custody might be enough to qualify. Bottom line, you are being the reasonable adult here, but if he's not, it's probably because his heart is breaking to see his sister go down that path.
The other posters are also prudent -- figure out and secure your financial resources, and go to marriage counseling with DH if he'll go, without him if not. Maybe DH will see a chaplain or off base priest, even if he won't see a therapist. I'd add that you be vigilant about birth control, because you do not want to bring a baby into this current sadness.
I've got controlling, manipulative inlaws too, and while DH didn't believe the lies they said about my character, he did believe the crud they said about his own character! Might be your DH's family is blaming him and telling him he's selfish if he doesn't take in his sister-the-dysfunction-bomb, bc they don't want to deal with her or bc his family role is Fixer. And funny thing about parents, even when we are adults, their criticism hits deep. What I did was just to keep telling/showing DH that I would deal with his family the way HE wanted me to handle it, but that he still had to hear and acknowlege my fears/feelings/thoughts/suggestions in our often daily discussion of the decisions. Whenever his parents upset him, we'd take a walk and talk it over while waving at the neighbors and smiling LOL The more he saw I cared about his needs and put his feelings ahead of my own, the more he recognized that his family did not consider his needs (even though they talked a good game, their constant cruelty didn't show it!). But it was really rough for years and I did throw some desperate tantrums along the way -- luckily, DH was never willing to do something that would truly hurt me, bc he tries to put my feelings before his too. A friend compared us to foxhole buddies, fighting on the same team with the same goal, taking bullets for the other. Girl, I can't tell you how many times I was polite to his mother instead of smacking her upside the head like she needed and deserved! Gradually DH got strength to stand up for himself, the more he saw that me, my/his/our friends, and a therapist thought he was doing right. Holding my fire (oh man, that was tough) made her ugliness bolder, and she sunk herself. She has never met our kids, and her hate mail goes into the trash where it belongs. Boy, she's mad to know her antics made our marriage stronger instead of weaker. I don't know if that advice helps, but don't feel like you are getting scolded if that's not how you've been handling it. Because... Good Lord, there is NO good way to handle these kinds of in-law situations. My situation almost turned out very differently, and even though it's worked out for us, DH and I both feel old and scarred. So just hang in there and take care of yourself. Good luck and prayers from me to you.
Husband and I have been married for over four years, we're both in our twenties. We have been through two deployments together, his injury overseas, and so much more. No kids. His family, mother especially, has never liked me. During the first deployment, she would make up lies and tell him I was cheating, so on, every time he called her. He knows she's not a very ethical person, so he never fell for her lies. At first I really tried to get to know her, but she always just insulted me while wearing a smile and I took it, because I never wanted to get into an argument with her or be disrespectful to her. He always just told me to ignore her, but it's always hurt me that they are like that with me. So after his injury, I went to a few therapy sessions with him and the doctor advised me to just put some distance between me and them. So I have. I don't go with him when we are in town anymore, but they're still getting in the way. He wanted to adopt his sister recently, but I just can't do that. She has her mother and family, it's not like she's an orphan. However, she is very disrespectful of me, has cursed at me, and does drugs. I know if she lived with us, she would not respect me and I don't think it's fair for me to have to go through that. He thinks he can get her to behave better, but she doesn't even respect him.
Anyway, we had been arguing for a few days about his family. I just wanted us to come to an agreement on how we were going to deal with his family. This turned into an ordeal, so we sat down to talk it through one night, and out of no where he said he chose his family over me. Without me even asking him to choose! Anyhow, he basically broke up with me for a day. I was heartbroken and he was relentless about his decision. The next day, after I kept brining it up, he said he was willing to try and work on our marrige. But he's still saying that his family is more important to him than I am. He blames me for him not having a strong relationship with them. He never sees the responsibility that they have had in all of this, from the beginning. Not once have I been nasty or rude to them. Not once have I told him he had to stop talking to them. They never call him unless they want money or a favor. How is it my fault?
My question is, should I just forget that he said he cares more about them than he does about me? I don't understand how he can just throw me to the side after I'm the one who has been there for him throughout these years. I love him, he SAYS he loves me, but I don't want to torture myself by sticking around for someone that won't stand up for me and chooses to set me aside.
You need to go see a divorce lawyer, pronto! Your husband is obviously not emotionally mature enough to be married. He should have realized that YOU are also his family. That's what it means to be married. If it was too hard for him to cut the strings, he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. And he wants his drug addicted sister to come live with him?! Does he know that if she gets caught with drugs, it will be HIS responsibility and HE will have to explain the situation to his chain of command and living with a drug addict could jeopardize HIS career?? Or does he not care? You need to find someone who respects you and wants to start a FAMILY with you. Your husband sounds like he just wants to cling to mommy and daddy forever. Run!
Counseling! You need to get marriage counseling for he has no obvious idea of what his family is doing to you. He might know but not really know if that makes sense. Yes family can be close but he also has a family with you and has to decide that if a choice has to be made which one to go with, in some ways he has already made that decision. It is sad to say that you do need to prepare yourself financially to be on your own as a plan in case it does not work out. You have handled it the best way you can.
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