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Female soldier texting husband

I want to add my  2 cents worth.  When my husband was deployed he had several women chasing him.  I didn't find out until he came home and it almost destroyed our marriage.  One of the woman, who was a major in the medical section went as far as sending him an email with pictures of her mother and kids and told him how much she missed him, and loved him.  When I confronted her, she said that they were just friend from working together.  But, when he came home he had pictures of her and another woman, too.  So, I do think that you did right by trying to find out what was going on, because these men, when deployed do cheat and flirt.  And my husband thought that flirting was o.k., but it ended up almost destroying our marriage, and it did destroy the marriage of one of the woman that he was flirting with.  So, to all of you women out there, believe me, they can not be trusted when they are away from you. My whole life came crashing down when I found the emails and saw all of the photos that these women was sending him, and they were also sending him packages with all kinds of gifts, too.

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Hi Karen!  I think I will have to agree w/ the other girls on this one.  Especially since you dind't find anything to prove otherwise from your DH or that girl.

 

I have guy friends (not ex boyfriends) that I still FB and say Heyyyy, how are you?  Miss ya.  Just simple and friendly... cause I have known these people forever and gone through a lot w/ them. 

 

My husband was deployed for a year overseas and he worke under a female chief.....(a lot older then he is..lol)  and her and my husband got along great.  I even asked if she's on FB... and he said he couldn't find her.. but she emails him once in a great while to see how his recruiting tour is going.  If you spend THAT much time w/ someone.. they do become your "sisters or brothers" over there. 

I dont think there is anything going on w/ this girl and your husband. 


~Heather~

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Jenna~

When you put at the end of your post:  Worrying about it, stressing about it, won't change anything except ruin my now...

 

I love that!  I may have to steal that... will that be ok?


~Heather~

I can see where you are coming from, but I agree with the others who said that your husband does not seem to make a big deal out of it. I think that yes this women does seem like she could be flirty, but your husband does not seem to flirt back or even think she is a problem.


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I would have been a little taken aback by that text too. I have a jealous nature. I hate it when my husbands female soldiers call him, so to make me feel better, he lets me answer the phone when hes home. Its his way of showing me everythings on the up and up. Plus he knows if they ask for him using anythig than rank they r getting ripped a new one! Its just what works for us. I would just let it go for now but it continues or the texts get  racy then GAME ON!


I dunno?  I would be concerned if this female kept contacting your husband for things other than work related.  Especially after having emailed her several times.
It's hard when our husbands work 12+ hours a day with other females and we sometimes have no idea who they are. My husband tries to introduce me to his co-workers (females and males) and vice versa. He knows who I work with.


Amanda M. Tuiolosega

 

Ok so here is my opinion on the whole thing. First I would not be happy if a female soldier said "I miss you" to my DH unless it was a feamle that I knew and was ok with (there are a couple). Second I do feel that you may have jumped the gun a little. I first would have asked my DH who she was and why she said I miss you.. then I would have talked to him about it. I would not have let it be with an answer that nothing was going on. I would ask him ok nothing is going on but what was your connection to her. If he said he was a mentor and that he helped her with some hard decisions then I would leave it at that. I had a mentor years ago as a young teen and i lost contact with him... just recently he found me on FB and I told him that I had been looking for him and told him how much of a mentor he had been spiritually for me and that I have been able to pass that on to my kids. So a mentor situation I understand. If you dont have trust for your DH then I would try to work on that. He may work late but hey that is military for you. When my DH left for basic/ait I had trust issues. His time was extended due to 2 hip surgeries and he was gone for 18 months. He became close to people because he was there for so long. I had to come to the decision that if I dont see it, if I cant prove it and he doesnt admit it then I have to believe that nothing has happened. It is not worth letting yoursefl stress over especially if you have kids and a job. You can not let it ruin your daily life. IF the time comes where you can prove something then you can stress over it. If you have trust issues then the military is not the career that you want either of you to have. I hope that you dont take any of this the wrong way it is just my opinion.

 

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I tell my friends I miss them and there is no sexual component at all.  Is it wrong to miss a friend? 


If Prayers can move mountains, Prayers can cure cancer

I totally agree with what you are saying about other women flirting with married soldiers. Same incident happened to me when my husband returned from Afghanistan. She called him one time at 4am, when I approached him, he only said that they were only friends. Come to found find out it was more than that. He was having an affair with her. Sadly we just got divorced, but It is hard to tell sometimes, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and my gut was right. I am not saying that your husband is cheating,but do not put your guard down either. I know its a two way street, but sometimes they become so vunerable to certain situations.

I know no one is going to care really what I have to say but, I have been there, done that got the t'shirt and the trophy.  My husband cheated on me twice before we were married, and each time came up with a greater plan to resolve the issues.. First it was, "move in with me so I can show my commitment to you", then after saying he had to be be out at the "range" all night and usin "work" as an excuse for work A LOT!!!!!  I became suspicious and found out about the 2nd one.  By this point I think to myself....obviously I am just not what he wants or needs....so I tell him I am setting him free to be with who he wants..that I will not stand in his way if I am not what he wants or needs....He then says he didn't know what he was thinking and could never love someone like he does me and wanted to marry me. The very next month, I found out I was pregnant.... He got deloyed that month. So, when he left it was as if my world stopped...I was still angry about our relationship.

When hame back in June, we got married that following December 2009. I accepted his faults and gave the exucuse, "people make mistakes". March of 2010 he went on TDY back to our original duty station in Ft. Bragg NC, he attempted to meet up with a woman he had "known" before....that I never even knew about...he even went as far as calling her from a pay phone...so that I could not track anything.  The only reason why I found out is because my "GUT FEELINGS" had me suspicious and I got into his email and he told her that he would email her from another account later and that the "person he was with" was trying to ruin him.  Of course that was a bunch of BS....he only said that becaus he knew I was onto him.  She had been married for 17yrs to a marine and was way older!

    My whole point in this story is...... IF YOUR GUT is aggravating you.... a womans instinct is very strong and very on  point with your emotions. Just be prepared that if you are going to dig...... you better be ready for what you find, because you may not want to know and if you do find out something you wish you didn't....it's too late because now you know and you are going to react on that feeling.

Also, I truly believe that no matter what unless it is STRICTLY business I do not believe that a man/woman should text, or call the opposite "unless" they are mutual friends with both spouses...and both husband and wife know one another and do not feel threatened or that it is unappropriate.  I think that women often instigate issues that should never be between couples and in marriages by saying, " MISS YOU" and " LOVE YA".... even though there may be no feeling behind those words from that person...it is preparation for a cat fight between most married women/couples.... Women need to be respectable to men who are married... I do not go around texting married men AT ALL for any reason unless I know or am friends with the wife and they know it..... GOOD RULE OF THUMB>> SORRY SO LONG!


faithful to my man....shanda

 

No matter what, it is definetely not appropiate!! Beba

 


Karen,

I feel your pain. I had a female soldier go to my home with my husband and two other soldiers when i wasn't home. Luckily my brother was their. I told my husband how i felt about it and of course he told me i had nothing to worry about. the next week was thanksgiving and that same female had dinner with us. I watched her like a hawk and was not happy. I told my husband and other soldiers that she had a thing for my husband again no one would believe me. When we moved to Carson last year my husband go an email from a friend of  that same female, stating that he LIKED HIM and Wanted him. We also had another one just this past year where a female called my husband after hours when i called her to see what was so important for her to be calling my husband and texting him every night even on weekends you never answered. Now according to my husband she wont talk to him. lol I feel ya.


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I know there has been so many comments and maybe at this point mine won't matter but here it is anyways.

It is one thing for you to tell a friend you have know before you were married and have been close with that you miss them and it is another to meet a married man become so close with him that you are going to text him and tell him you miss him.  Very inappropriate as far as I am concerned and would have asked my husband to let her know the same. 

Seeing as how we live a very crazy life being in the military with deployments, TDY and everything else under the sun we have to trust our spouses or think about other options.  You can not possibly be happy if you have any doubt your husband would do anything to disrespect your marriage or your family.  Life is far from easy being the spouse who is left behind.

I truly hope you find peace with your husband.  Their will always be someone or something to temp that union and we just have to be strong and have faith in one another.


I think alot of you are mistaken, if you go with your gut feeling it is probably true, my husband just got back from a year tour in Iraq and that stuff was going on EVERYWHERE!!!!  Single soldiers going after married soldiers, its like they are going back to college and its a free for all, I know about 10 army wifes personally from my group and at least 50% have had some type of affair, 1 in divorce, 1 left his wife at 8 months PG and thats just the ones I know.  There needs to be more resources on counceling and assistance AFTER the 90 day return!  There should be counseling for the soldiers overseas that tell them what effects this has on the children of these marriages.


That sucks- and I know the feeling like wondering if something is going on. But I would say if he didnt act on anything by responding to her text or trying to contact her by email or facebook then he did nothing wrong. My husband gets people talking to him every so often - and yeah- they are flirting and not respecting the fact that he is a married man, but if he doesnt respond to it then I am not concerned. Now- if my husband started talking to a woman who was flirting or saying how much she missed him and stuff then I may be freaked out and talk to him about it or want to look up who the person is on facebook or whatever.

Anna, you and I are reading from the same page!

 It is the "I miss you" part of the original message that is a little alarming. My husband is also friends with my "girl"friends and I cannot ever imagine him or them going out of their way to text each other with "I miss you". Plus, if her husband has had questionable actions in the past then he brought her reaction and behavior upon himself.

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I was in the same boat with a female texting my husband. My husband was doing work ups with his command a lot the last year and her was constantly gone on dets. More and more he started talking about a particular female friend of his. A "drinking" buddy he said. "Nothing is going on", "she's like a sister to me". I let it go. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it didn't feel right. When he got back from being gone, he'd changed his password to his phone and she was constantly texting him, finally I got him to give me the password so I could play a game on the phone. While I was playing the game a text popped up saying "Good morning Love". I flipped. Turned out she really liked him and he was leading her on. He'd gotten drunk one night and told her we were separated after we had a fight one night and just let it go from there. We nearly broke up over it, but I put my foot down I told her to stay away from my husband. And I told him to get his head out of his asdfjkl; She wasn't worth losing his wife and child over and that was exactly what was going to happen.

So I am with you on if you feel in your gut that something is going on then probably something is.


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Hi Karen,

I'm going to be one of the only ones who actually gets this conclusion probably, but I don't blame you for reacting the way you did!  First, off, there is a line.  Female friends are one thing...if that is all it was, you should have known about it.  Hubby wouldn't keep it from you if it was just something simple...period.  Secondly, why didn't she reference the family at all in the message?  Why didn't she respond?  That looks suspect.  You have a right, as his wife, to know if he has female friends, and to know who they are.  Not control the matter, but to be kept in the loop...out of common respect and courtesy. 

Now, it sounds like this has been an issue before.  Has it?  I have experienced VERY similar things.  Three different times now my husband has had a MARRIED female co-part (both of them active duty, and both married) and she tried to take it too far.  It would start as innocent conversation, but these women (not all women, but these specific ones) just could not understand that MARRIAGE IS SACRED, AND THEY NEED TO BACK OFF.  Thankfully, thus far my husband has taken care of the issue himself, but it's still unnerving.  Your husband needs to take care of this.  If he knows how it upsets you, and that you don't like it...he should care enough to change it.  I hope it gets better for you.

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One of my best friends is a guy and we say "I love you" and "I miss you".  However my husband has known about this friend since we've been together, so if he were to pick up my phone and see a message from him that said "I miss you" he would not be blind sided by it.

I think I agree that maybe the OP didn't disclose all of her past experiences with this type of situation, so maybe she does have a reason to be suspicious.  However, OP, I hope that your husband is telling the truth and that nothing is going on, since even you said that he didn't respond to her message.

i am with you sister same thing happen to me.  i did what you did, but i found her phone number instead and called her on it!!!

2 things to think about. 

1.  Did he give her the personal cell #?  Married men, should not be "mentoring" in close quarters with a single sailor or soldier.  From afar in other collegues company is one thing, texting a personal cell phone is another.  I am former active duty and also now a milspouse, and can tell you this is not right from either side of the coin.    Govt issue cell phones are only for govt issue reasons.  Personal cell phones are for personal reasons.  If he gave her the number than that is not OK.  The quarterdeck can notify him if she needs to speak to him after hours for work related questions.  If she got it through a friend of a friend and not him, than its not his fault. 

2. Did she get it from someone else and text him without this knowledge she had his # or permission?  Its not his fault and all on her.  She shouldnt use a personal cell phone of a married man, regardless of the work relation.  Its UNSAT and not good judgement on her part.  This is not becoming. 

Finally, he didnt respond, smart guy, would have opened a whole different can of worms.  I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time, and take a mental note for any further occurances.  It could be a one time text.


"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Albert Einstein

This post made me very upset.  I don't see anything wrong with the text that was sent...AND he didn't respond AND told you exactly what happened.  You overreacted and harassed the woman who sent an innocent text message.  My husband is pre-mobilization and he has 3 women in his unit that he keeps in contact with regularly via text message because it is the easiest way for them to communicate and they NEED to stay in communication because of their jobs.  He is also texting several men just as frequently.  Based on your post I would assume that you'd be suspicious of any texts from men saying "I miss you" too? (My husband has received many of those too.)


I understand why you'd be suspicious if there's any history of infidelity, I get it.  My husband and I have had a lot of issues in the past...but I've learned to trust him.  If your husband responded calmly, without sounding irritated or defensive, then he's probably telling the truth.  


Harassing this woman just to get the same answer your husband provided is NOT OKAY!  To assume she's one of "these other women chasing married men" is a horrible assumption on your part.  And why would you say that about married men when checking your phone records proved he never responded?


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I have to agree with alot of people on this. First off....it's not only women that have strong intuition. When my wife was deployed I intercepted some "questionable" emails between my wife and another Airman. My stomach dropped to the basement. I just knew something was up. But that also had alot to do with both my wife's and my past history and mistakes. It turned out there had been an affair and it took months before we figured out where we were going in our marriage. Thankfully we worked it out but it still takes time and the hurt is still there. Unfortunately now everytime she deploys or goes TDY from here on out there will be some anxiety. But if you make the decision to stay with that person it takes awhile to be able to completely trust them again. That kind of brings me to the point I am trying to make. It sounds like there has been some kind of history of distrust for "Karen" to have gone to the extent she did...or to play devil's advocate she has baggage she brought with her from previous relationships that is affecting the current one.


"Once burned....Twice shy"

 


I don't believe that she would have reacted in this manner if this was the first time something like this had happened.  The reference about married men that love having their ego's stroked, she's referring to her husband's ego.  There is alot that is unwritten, but bottom line, she's in a bad place right now.  Another take note just FYI to Karen, "If it doesn't make sense, it's because it's not true"  Wise words to live by.  


What I got from reading the OP's message is a little different.  It sounds like she's been in this situation before.  While the text she read seemed harmless maybe she reacted the way she did because this has been an issue in her marriage.  I mean going through the trouble to find someone on FB, checking phone records and then sending this woman three messages and then pretty much threatening her into a response doesn't sound like your normal reaction.  So I'm just saying maybe she has a good reason to be ticked off, her message is she's hot, and the part about following your gut instinct, well I think there's a whole lot more here that just isn't being stated but rather implied. 


I had the same problem in my husbands unit and in my case there were 2 female soldiers trying to get it on with my husband. I was lucky enough to have a "conversation" with them and to make sure they won't be trying anymore. But, there ARE female soldiers out there trying to hook up with other married soldiers!! 

In your case though, I doesn't seem to be that case, but trust your gut!! If your gut tells you something isn't right, it probably isn't!

Wow, you actually stalked a woman on Facebook and checked up on the phone records of your husband?? No trust issues there huh.

Look, if your husband says it is nothing and he did not respond and did not hide said message, then what "gut feeling" do you have?? Nothing in what you said would lead me to think my husband was cheating in that message, nothing. So she said she missed him....whoopty doo, YOU have trust issues and perhaps YOU should address those before stalking a person for asking your husband how he is doing. I tell you what if I sent a message to an old friend and his wife responded like you did, I would file charges of harrassment against her. You're a wee insecure, have some serious trust issues and should probably grow up. I feel sorry for your husband. If you treat him like this eventually you will drive him away.

Thank you for putting it out there. I had the same problem except that she is not military, they met one time he went out of town with hi DJ friend, she would text him all the time and send him pictures, "If I woulda met you before" and "You got me wanitng you" where the types of messages he would send back. I confronted him and he made it seem like it was my fault, Im a first time mom, unlike him (he already has 3 from his past marriage). I never had problem with him bing "too nice", I myself like to hear it from other people sometimes. For weeks he kept throwing n my face all the guys that had talked to me before, even if they were married too, and he happened to forget all of them, suddenly he didnt know any of my friends and they were justtrying to flirt with me...uhum... I had to do thing i had never done mbefore, like confronting him, tomake him understand we are married and there ar limits on how you treat people. He doesnt go out anymore or talked to his ex-wife (another snake that likes to mess with other women's man just to cause drama.

Husband received text from female soldier he had been deployed with and it read "Hello Sailor. I miss you! How were your holidays?"  He didn't answer as I checked our phone records.  Found her on facebook and sent her a message even though husband said nothing going on.  She finally answered on my 3rd message telling her I'd ask someone else if she didn't answer me.  Said it was just that he mentored her and helped her with some tough staff decisions.  I'm sick and tired of these other women chasing married men and these married men thinking it's okay to flirt with other women because they loved their ego's stroked! What in the world is wrong with people when vows are not taken seriously and families not cherished anymore!  Ladies, take note, if your gut is telling you something is going on, IT PROBABLY IS!

SORRY BUT I WAS TOLD IT WAS JOB RELATED AND NEXT THING I KNEW THEY HAD SLEPT TOGETHER WHEN HE WAS IN AFGHANISTAN!! IT BROKE MY HEART TO KNOW THAT WHEN I WAS HOME WORRIED SICK FOR HIM HE WAS OUT THERE DOING ME WRONG AND I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED TO KNOW THAT A FEW OF HIS FELLOW  MARRIED SOLDIER FRIENDS WERE DOING THE SAME THING!!!LAST SUMMER I WAS IN SAN ANTONIO WITH HIM AND ONE OF HIS MARRIED FRIENDS MET UP WITH DIFFERENT WOMEN AT NIGHT AND TRUST ME THEY WERE DOING MORE THEN JUST TALKING!! AND THEN YOU WOULD HEAR HIM TALKING TO HIS WIFE TELLING HER HOW MUCH HE MISSED HER AND THE KIDS!!! ITS A SHAME!!!

I know, I hate those girls too

my our husbands some times just want to be friendly and don't know that ther are getting in trouble.

My husband got involved in an affair in 2008 with a volunteer in his job

this girl is married but her husband was deployed. she was doing nasty stuff in parties and looking for my husband. she invited him to parties and stuff.

One day he  finally fall and went out with her, that night was the most day in my life, he returned home late and had this marks on his neck and chest. it was her Claudia Garza from 29 palms, that B knew he had kids and  didnt care oh but she has in her myspace that love her husband, poor guy.if he knew what she was doing.. any ways if he my husband didn't pay attention to her or if he have had respect for me and his kids. any ways ladies if ur husband is deployed or gentlemen if u got in a deployment and are married,or have someone waiting 4 u,please respect ur other half and kids. don't do stupid stuff. u cant go back in time. 


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I honestly think everyone is reading too much into the message and assuming the worst.. He's in the Navy so writing "Hello Sailor" wouldn't be flirting at all. So what, she said she misses the guy.. I miss alot of my friends when... Then she asked how his holiday went.. Honestly, there's nothing incriminating about that text message, she didn't say "I miss those wonderful nights alone with you", or "I love you" or "We had some great sex".. To me it looks like just a text someone would send to a friend, nothing romantic is implied at all.. Granted, if a female text my husband, I would want to know who she is and why, but he didn't respond and he gave his wife an answer. The wife flew off the handle and stalked (yes that is what its called) the woman on facebook and sent three messages to her which was completely out of line, then when the girl answers and gives the same answer as the husband, she comes on here and badmouths this military member. I find it disrespectful both to the other woman and to her husband.


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I don't know.. yeah, the "i miss you" part would probably get me suspicious, but he didn't answer it, he told you nothing was going on, and the girl told you what was going on. I don't think i would have even messaged her if I saw my hubby hasn't sent any incriminating messages to her. I think you kinda jumped the gun on that one - sounds like it was exactly what it was, an innocent message to someone who mentored her and helped her with military stuff. One message doesn't equate to a girl chasing your husband around and trying to get with him.  And I also do not see where your husband was flirting with her to get his ego stroked. I think your being a bit harsh on your husband - it doesn't sound to me like he was being flirtatious or anything with this girl.. I don't know yalls past, but obviously there's an issue with trust.


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Thats exactly why I mentioned that I don't know her history and that it sounds like theres a trust issue.. something may have happened in the past that we don't know.. but just by the one text message, i don't see a problem.


When it comes to female soldiers texting married soldiers, it is only acceptable when your husband is their superior or if they are friends and you aprove.  Before we were married, a femae soldier was texting my husband on a regular basis.  He was an MP and had to be in contact with her for a situation that happened during a shift change.... however, she continued to text him after all was said and done.  These women are very disrespectful and do not care that you are married.  They have no interest in the fact that your husband is married, only that they can flirt with him when you are not around.

My husband and I had a LONG talk about this when it happened, and he now recognizes when things like this begin.  Unfortunately he's had to deal with it on more than one occassion.  Make sure that you talk with your husband about what is appropriate and what is not, what will be accepted and what will not.  If he respects you as his wife, he will respect how you feel.

Point and case, the female soldiers in my husbands company (all but one) had no respect for significant others.  One night (before we were married) my husband was working CQ and I made dinner to bring to him. (He worked CQ every other night so I rarely got to see him)  When I got out of the car to walk to his company, a female soldier pulled in to the parking lot.  When she saw me, she sped up... obviously hoping to scare me. When I told my husband, he made her appologise and told her that if she ever did that again he would take it up with the commander.

So.... make your expectations known! If he's true and he loves you, then he'll do something about this soldier.

Hi Karen!... my husband have a lot of female coworkers but don't say i love you... it just weird! They do not send sweet txt msg like that... they like to mess around with each other like real friends do and send goofy txt msg or sadistic humors you know... i would not want a female txt msging mg husband with "i miss you" either... it's just not appropriate (for me). Ur husband might not be doing anything (yet) ... but that female coworker seem like she is flirting... she don't need to say i miss you.. she can just say how you've been? The fem coworker needs to be a little bit sensitive to their male coworkers who have a wife/family.


Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.

i meant i miss you... lol


Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.

JustaMrsnow wrote:

I'm going to speak on both sides as I am now a dependent but was prior military myself for 10yrs. I worked in a male dominated career field while I was in and you do make very close bonds with people. I am happily married and have no intentions of destorying anyone elses but I male counterparts that I consider brothers and bestfriends now. I tell them I miss them love ya etc. Now I do think her text was a little shady and should have maybe asked how him and his family are etc. miss ya at work etc. I do think that Karen jumped the gun on this one unless their is more to the story that we do not know. Now Karen I do not appreciate when you say "these other women" implying female military as that is not always the case. I will say that I do see ALOT of men flirt and cheat deployed and home front and go home to their wifes like they are the best husband and it is sickening but the thing is you can not blame these other women. It is ULTIMATLEY up to your husband what his actions are. Also I have seen plenty of husbands cheat with other dependent spouses who live a street over. So please be careful with the "labels". I would say it is innocent and if your hubby does have a past or you have a gut feeling then leave him or seek couples counseling because you must have TRUST or otherwise you have nothing.  



I have to agree with this. I am prior service and I NEVER messed around with a married or involved man and nor with I EVER think of doing it. Not ALL female military members are out to ruin marriages and sleep with every guy they are stationed with. I will admit there are the few sluts out there but you find them in the civilian tag chasers to. My ex-husband cheated on me with military AND civilians and he ALWAYS told them that he was either single or divorced. He got his wish and when I found out, I threw him to the street corner where he belonged. I DO NOT tolerate cheating. That is the 100% deal breaker for me. My husband knows that and he feels the same way. Your husband is a grown man and responsible for his own actions. No one can force him to cheat. While I agree that this chick seems like an instigator, if anything is going on it's not 100% her fault. It takes two to tango. 


"Soon we much all the make the choice between doing what is right and what is easy." - Albus Dumbledore
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Really??? Thats insane. Answering your husbands phone just "mark your territory." Do you trust your husband? A naked girl could stand right in front of my husband telling him she would be the most amazing sex he has ever had and I trust him enough to say "no." The extent of jealousy you are describing turns my stomach.

I tell my friends I love them and miss them, guy or girl....Not a big deal you don't have to be doing the nasty to miss someone. When I miss my husband it is for the companionship not the sex- well I miss that too, but that is not why I say it. I can miss a friend of any gender without it being something other than a friendship.

 

I don't think that anyone should assume there are other issues within the relationship. She didn't specifycally say that there were. It could just be that she is a jealous type of person- maybe thats her case. Or maybe there are underlying issues but we don't know them and shouldn't speak about what if's because it could only make the situation worse.


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I would have asked about the text as well - it could be interpreted as borderline flirty (to me).  BUT...he didn't answer the text, which gives him a vote of confidence in my book.  If he wanted to encourage her, he would have done so and if he wanted to hide it, he could have done so.  And even if there WAS something going on, sending the girl three messages on Facebook wouldn't prove anything...it's be easy as anything for them to collaborate their stories.  How did you find the text message anyway?  I hope you came across it innocently and aren't monitoring his phone...I'm pretty sure ANY guy would rebel against that. 


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I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.  However, I can assure you beyond all doubt that your insecurity, lack of trust, and need to somehow justify your fears will kill your marriage faster than any outside force.  Watch some movies, read a book, or ask around, the bond of warriors in combat zones seems strange and even questionable to those that have never experienced it.  However, the relationship between those warriors is beautiful and incredibly strong.  You should thank God that you are married to a man that can lead and fight; that can inspire fellow warriors and make those that defend our nation better.  Instead of attacking your husband and treating him like a suspect, have faith in him and cherish your time together.

 

Matt

I've been cheated on by my ex-husband, so I understand what you're saying. In retrospect, I did know something was going on. 

However, my current husband has a different attitude about it. He says you can't control anyone but yourself and sometimes that is a struggle. We have to trust each other because if someone is going to cheat, you can't stop them. I wouldn't even know because he is gone every other year and could "work late" often and I would never know for sure if something was going on.

I understand being jealous and nervous, but your behavior probably really undercut him. If he didn't answer her, why did you go to such lengths to find her? If she is trying to flirt, then she doesn't care he is married. He needs to care that he is married. Talk to him. You can't make him be faithful and will more likely anger him or push him away by being insecure.

It sounds like he wasn't interested in even a friendly chat with her, so you had nothing to worry about. Work on talking to him about how you were feeling, your fears about all the separations and crazy husband chasing women out there. Chances are you'll feel better and strengthen your relationship at the same time. 

Been at this awhile, I have every faith in my husband, but things could always blow up in my face. Worrying about it, stressing about it, won't change anything except ruin my now. 


Come visit my deployment diary blog: http://deploymentdiaryofarealarmywife.blogspot.com I welcome suggested topics, comments and constructive criticism.

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Bottom line, if she is texting him i miss you or i love you.. Even if it is just friendship, it is extremely disrespectful of her!


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go with your heart but trust is key


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There are clearly some trust issues here. We really don't know the history. I am also one can speak from both sides. While I was in the service I was in a very male dominated field. When my husband and I got together I made sure that he knew I had a lot of male friends and he also made it clear he had female friends. We knew which ones we could truly trust. And 20 years later we still have close friends of the opposite sex that call, email and text both of us. Have any of them crossed the line? Oh yes, those friendships ended. And it wasnt the "single" service members.

I find it very offensive that most of the finger pointing aka blaim is towards the "single" female service member. The "loving" husbands are just as responsible. Maybe even a little more accountable since they are the ones putting thier families and carreers on the line for allowing the behavor to continue. There are single and married service members that seem to forget marriage vows and loyality on regular basis.

Bottom line is trust. If you can not trust your spouse then your marriage will either fall appart or you will.

I'm going to speak on both sides as I am now a dependent but was prior military myself for 10yrs. I worked in a male dominated career field while I was in and you do make very close bonds with people. I am happily married and have no intentions of destorying anyone elses but I male counterparts that I consider brothers and bestfriends now. I tell them I miss them love ya etc. Now I do think her text was a little shady and should have maybe asked how him and his family are etc. miss ya at work etc. I do think that Karen jumped the gun on this one unless their is more to the story that we do not know. Now Karen I do not appreciate when you say "these other women" implying female military as that is not always the case. I will say that I do see ALOT of men flirt and cheat deployed and home front and go home to their wifes like they are the best husband and it is sickening but the thing is you can not blame these other women. It is ULTIMATLEY up to your husband what his actions are. Also I have seen plenty of husbands cheat with other dependent spouses who live a street over. So please be careful with the "labels". I would say it is innocent and if your hubby does have a past or you have a gut feeling then leave him or seek couples counseling because you must have TRUST or otherwise you have nothing.  


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Oh girl I so understand where your coming from. I deal with this a lot with my husband he always swears nothing is going on but really when a guy trys to hit on me i take it as an offense and i quickly shut him down and off he goes. Yes I am a asdfjkl; and u can ask anyone in my husbands shop. but guys are different then girls or at least my husband is different then me. If someone hits on him he gets a giant smile and flirts back and then swears to me it wasnt like that. i tell ya girl watch ur back cause no one else is going to do it for u. Everyone is out to one up someone else and to make themselves look better.


I wouldn't agree with the statement that "If your gut is telling you something is going on, it probably is" because some people are sincerely jealous or paranoid people. Especially those who have had their hearts broken or have been previously cheated on by other people. 


I tell my friends, men and women alike, that I miss them when I do. I don't see anything alarming with that. A relationship is mostly (should mostly) be based on trust. If you don't have that I think you don't have a lot. It's a very important factor in any relationship. 


If he says nothing is going on, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not to sound rude, but you seem like you are acting a little... crazy. Not telling your husband that you are sending her messages and continuously sending her messages because she won't respond.


You got married in trust I imagine, try to keep it that way.


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I have been through something similar...I found a texts between my DH and a female.  Stating she had a little something for him, he stating he would really need her while deployed...he said it was nothing, they are just friends, etc., etc.  The night I found the texts, I overreacted and sent her an email message...because I didn't recognize the phone number, I looked in his wallet for his alert roster and found an index card with an email address, and that phone number.  SO...anyway, I emailed her, told her to stay the hell away, etc.  I later apologized, saying I overreacted, to both of them, and she apologized for making me feel the way I did...about a month later, I'm still not feeling things are right, because they are calling each other/texting, almost daily...so I snoop and find pictures on his phone account...deleted from his phone, but still accessible on the cell account...needless to say, when you just "feel" something isn't right, something probably isn't...lock codes on cell phones, changing email/facebook passwords, erasing texts immediately after they are read...just being sneaky...it's all probably for a reason, to hide...well, we are trying to work things out, a little hard since he deployed a month later...and I still don't completely trust, he could be emailing her, getting pictures from her, I don't know...but I'm making myself trust him

Man, I know what that's like! I don't know what it is, but for some reason, there are many military women that go after married guys.  My husband and i have had our own issues with female soldiers trying to get into his pants.  Thankfully, my husband tells me everything that goes on immediately.  At one point he even had a unit administrator use his cell-phone number (while on AT) to send him a picture of her.....STUFF!!  She had been trying to get into his pants the whole two weeks...tried the crying "oh poor me" bit and everything.  Point is...I wouldn't be at all surprised if this woman had been hitting on your man, but as you said, he didn't responded.  AND he's coming home every night to you.  I know the situation is difficult, but try to remember its those inappropriate women causing the problems, not your husband.  


I have to agree if I found a text that said I miss you I think I would have that "say what" moment. Probably would have searched her name on FB to see what she looks like out of curiosity but would not have stalked her on facebook. I would have questioned my husband in a nice way not a crazy way but I know my husband either would have laughed or made some kind of joke about it. Also, you can delete all of your sent messages too, just saying. Anyways, try not to get all heated if this happens again. I agree with the other post that it seems your husband really does love you.


I love God, my family and football, Roll Tide Roll!!!

MrsGIJoe -- unfortunately it is not just military women or military men but men and women in general that fall into this category. 

Karen -- I am a member of the Air Force and my husband is in the Air Force as well, so I can answer from both perspectives.  First, trust your husband.  As a couple of the other women said, his actions of not responding should have been a strong indication of nothing happening between him and the other soldier.  Deployments are stressful and solider, sailors, marines and airmen will seek out groups while they are deployed to hang out with and help pass the time (please don't see "hang out" as anything other then in the meaning of getting together with friends).  While I was deployed, my group of friends include both men and women and my husband had to trust me to stay true to him and our marriage (was I hit on -- yeah, and believe me, I found it to more of an insult than anything).  I know a lot of married men and women who stay VERY true to their vows and unfortunately I saw those who like you mentioned, seem to "forget" they are married and have a family while deployed/TDY.    I once told my husband, I trust him, but he can't not expect me to always trust women he deploys with or works with, especially if my gut is saying something. 

Did your husband recently return from his deployment... this transition time frame to having him back can be an emotion rollercoaster for both spouses, if he said nothing happened, then you are going to have to trust him (unless there are a number of other pieces of evidence to prove other wise) and then I would suggest that you have a calm talk with him about your suspicions.  Perhaps seek counciling or talk to the chaplain. 

I don't know if any of this is helpful.  But I do pray for you and your husband and pray that everything gets better. 

Am I the only one who see's the text as a little on the flirty side.  Hello Sailor - well that is a flirty greeting to give someone, also right after say I miss you.  If the text said Hi how are you, how were the holidays, miss you that is more on the 'friend' scale of things. But to me the first words after the greeting was I miss you  which makes this text appear to be more on the emotional side.  I would have been suspicious of this girls motives upon reading it too.  Also it is natural to question your husbands motives too because it makes you wonder what went on for her to need to text him with the intent to just say she misses him.

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Karen,


As much as I hate to say this, you shouldn't have contacted her you should have just trusted your husband. While yes 99.9% of the time our guts are right, trust is a major thing when it comes to a marriage. I have been through a situation similar to yours, but I did not say anything to the female soldier I kept my mouth shut and just simply asked my husband to not have anything to do with her. Granted she took things to the next level and sent me a message that was out of line, and my husband realized my gut was right about her and no longer has any contact at all, but I never said anything back to her. You dont need to stoop down to their level and say something to them. Trust your husband and trust that he wouldnt hurt you.


You need to be able to trust him. My DH has a lot of female friends and I, honestly, don't think anything of it. They text him Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, whatever. That's cool with me because I trust him. And like Jenna said, don't ruin your now because he didn't even respond to her. I'm not trying to sound naive but trust plays a humongous part in the lives that we live because, I know with my DH, he's hardly ever home. If there's no trust, why bother? 


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