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Should I be more "slutty" for my husband?

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Rick wrote:

Here's a different point of view.  Both my wife and I were active duty and have retired.  When I would go TDY (TAD for the Navy types), all I really had to do was my job.  Not alot of other worries.  The job can be repetive and a little boring sometimes, so my mind would wonder, usuially to sexual things.  I would then play out scenes in my mind, and talk to the wife about them.  I couldn't really understand why she didn't seem to like them as much as she used to or as much as I did.  Then I retired and became "Mr. Mom".  The wife started going TDY instead of me and I was taking care of the kids and household....Boy, what a change!!!  By the end of the day, I was vrey tired, sex was the last thing on my mind...and guess who was the one wanting me to get "slutty"?  Yep, the wife that all she had to do was her job and let her mind wonder....  Now the shoe was on the other foot.  When I was TDY on active duty, I never realized how difficult it was to hold down the fort at home.  It wasn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be.  Maybe the Hubby is in the same shoes I was before I saw the "Other" side of TDY's.  Hope this might shed a little light on things.....

This is so absolutely true! I have usually remained employed for almost all of our marriage, but during the times of transition from a PCS I am home with the kiddos and it seems as though my husband will want sex much more often since he does not quite do as much of the child care and household chores as when we are both working. I feel more exhausted staying home and I am  not that interested, but will remind him that he does not want sex as much as he thinks he does by initiating it multiple times for a few days in a row and when he says "You want it again?" I then say, "Yep! You don't?", which then leads to me calling his bluff about how he thinks he wants sex all of the time.


the problem may just be that female and male brains are wired differantly.  our problem is that our brains are on so many tracks that we aren't really able to focus on sex and feeling sexual.  ever had your mind wander during sex then you know what im talking about.  maybe try explaining that to feel romatic you kinda need to be coxed into it.  if you have a date night start it out with a really good kiss and see where the rest of the night goes.  your problem isn't uncommon.  read a survey a couple of years ago, the results showed that women think about their hair more than they think about sex.  something to try could also be, try to think about it more.  get a book of short erotic stories, write your own stories, watch some steamy movies, check out the young hottie that jogs by your place.  anything to help you think about sex more.  i personally wish my husband was more enthusiastic.  i once took him out for a nice dinner, wore a short dress with nylons, the garder belt, and kitten heels in december walking through 6 inches of snow and after we got home and i showed him the belt under my dress, i got an eyebrow raise before he sat down to play video games.  i guess it hits both sides sometimes as well.

Sweety,


i hear you loud and clear about the children and being tired BUT, that will only get you so far.  He is asking, so  sacrifice a little more and give it to him a little more often.  also, triy surprising him in the morning.  (Man apparently enjoy it more in the morning)  He won't be expecting it so he will get a kick about it, and you will be hopefully less tired.  also, completely undress your self AFTER you guys go to bed and surprise him with that in the morning.  if he rises with rooster or is considerate enough to keep lights out, leave him a note where will see it (yeas, they need all the help you can give them.)

Money is tight, time flies by BUT both will be worse it you and your husband don't have your "together" time.  I've been married 18 years, he still doesn't get it that raising children is TOUGH and draining.  I have had to step out of the house for an entire day, and given him the entire run of the house. (I have left for a day, left him with an immaculate house, children fed, dress and things in order with a schedule in hand)  I have return to find my home in desarray, chaotic, with a dirty and hungry mob of 5.  his response is, "I don't know how you do it, thanks for doing it."  The effect last  few weeks and then is back to old hubby and HIS NEEDS.  He will just not learn.  Complain, vent to us and with us then turn around and feed his ego and meet his extraneous needs.  If you don't there are plenty out there who will jump at the opportunity and not care who gets hurt or what gets ruined.

Lastly, YOU are worth, and deserve a little time and pampering.  Give yourself that as a gift to yourself.  I learned that the very HARD way.  Agree to give him some but he has to work a little in the bedroom.  Perhaps a nice full body massage or setting a more romantic mood.


Your children will grow up and leave, what will you have then?  It's scary but stop and count how many more years before your oldest can be alone, can learn to drive, will graduate high school, etc.  They are all around the corner, they will love you but will leave.  you will be left with whatever you have invested in and with your husband.


Lui




Live, Give, Hope, Smile, Pray, Dream....Like you Were Dying...tomorrow is not PROMISED

Yes that time when you can be intune to each other needs is important.

Has your husband tried doing all that you do for a week? He might understand more why you can get into that flirtaceous wife that me married.

Maybe a little couples counseling to help the two of you find that rhythm. It is different now that you have kids and are older. No ones needs stay the same and same with what you find sexy.


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Rick wrote:

Here's a different point of view.  Both my wife and I were active duty and have retired.  When I would go TDY (TAD for the Navy types), all I really had to do was my job.  Not alot of other worries.  The job can be repetive and a little boring sometimes, so my mind would wonder, usuially to sexual things.  I would then play out scenes in my mind, and talk to the wife about them.  I couldn't really understand why she didn't seem to like them as much as she used to or as much as I did.  Then I retired and became "Mr. Mom".  The wife started going TDY instead of me and I was taking care of the kids and household....Boy, what a change!!!  By the end of the day, I was vrey tired, sex was the last thing on my mind...and guess who was the one wanting me to get "slutty"?  Yep, the wife that all she had to do was her job and let her mind wonder....  Now the shoe was on the other foot.  When I was TDY on active duty, I never realized how difficult it was to hold down the fort at home.  It wasn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be.  Maybe the Hubby is in the same shoes I was before I saw the "Other" side of TDY's.  Hope this might shed a little light on things.....


Awesome.  Pure awesome.

To the OP- My honest reaction when I read your post (without reading any comments) was that a) I can relate to you, and I only have 1 child and have been married to my husband for only a few years! and b) It's awesome that he is still so in love with you.

After taking care of the baby all day on top of cooking and cleaning and taking 3 minutes for myself to take a shower, I'm exhausted.  My husband also wonders why I can't be more like I was before we had a baby.  But my day is totally different now than it was then.  I had a lot more opportunity to just be relaxed and to let my mind "get in the mood."

I know it can be hard to think that that's all he thinks about.  My honest reaction is that, he's away from you a lot, loves you and craves that connection with you.  With him being away so much, it gives him more time to think about it, and crave it more, and then you feel like that's all he's thinking about.

I honestly think that for him, it's part of how he misses you.

I hope you are able to work it out, so that both of you are happy.  I agree with PPs that you should take some time for yourself.  If you always feel like every moment of your day is given to someone else, at the end of the day, you're going to be completely drained.



Never change to be something you are not for any man!

OK, so, my perspective is a little different. I am the one in our marriage that is always wanting intimacy. Sex has never been an issue for us...when we are together we have amazing sex and I have no complaints. But, our roles are kinda reversed from the norm. I could do it everyday, maybe twice a day and my Husband, while he loves sex, just can't do it as much as I want it. My Husband deployed in December so all of our communication is courtesy of webcam. Since he left this time, he's been pretty miserable. I'm here with 5 kids managing life and preparing everything for a move next week. Usually he's at least tolerating his surroundings but this time he seems to be having a really hard time with it. He has been gone A LOT during our relationship and whenever possible, we are still very intimate and loving. But, this time, he's not so into it. I don't think there is anything for me to worry about-we just aren't on the same page right now. It happens. So, while you can't just "turn it on" whenever he wants, my advice to you is just to be careful not to make him feel rejected or unwanted. I know I want intimate time with my Husband because I love him and want to share that closeness that I have with only him. I try not to take it personally but sometimes being told no can really hurt. 

So, good luck!! Hope it all works out for you! /WorkArea/threadeddisc/emoticons/happy.png

P.S. can anyone tell me how to put a picture on my profile? 


Were you "slutty" before you had kids? 


Mel. "Life...it is what it is. Suck it up, deal with it and move on."

I asked because if you were, I'd say he's missing the way things were BK (before kids).  Since you weren't that way, do only what you are comfortable with.  The way I look at it, which many may not agree, is that if you were a certain way before, when he married you, he shouldn't be placing unrealistic expectations on how he wants you to be now. 


Mel. "Life...it is what it is. Suck it up, deal with it and move on."

My hubby deployed in January and he's been asking the same stuff.  I finally told him that when he asks for things every single conversation we have it makes me feel like he doesn't really care about me and only wants me for sex, even though I know that's not true (which I told him as well).  He seemed to understand when I explained it to him that way.  It's not that I don't want to be sexy for him...it's just that after I've had a long day that's the LAST thing that's on my mind, and even if I was thinking about it it's a real turn-off if that's all he can talk about.


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Rick wrote:

Here's a different point of view.  Both my wife and I were active duty and have retired.  When I would go TDY (TAD for the Navy types), all I really had to do was my job.  Not alot of other worries.  The job can be repetive and a little boring sometimes, so my mind would wonder, usuially to sexual things.  I would then play out scenes in my mind, and talk to the wife about them.  I couldn't really understand why she didn't seem to like them as much as she used to or as much as I did.  Then I retired and became "Mr. Mom".  The wife started going TDY instead of me and I was taking care of the kids and household....Boy, what a change!!!  By the end of the day, I was vrey tired, sex was the last thing on my mind...and guess who was the one wanting me to get "slutty"?  Yep, the wife that all she had to do was her job and let her mind wonder....  Now the shoe was on the other foot.  When I was TDY on active duty, I never realized how difficult it was to hold down the fort at home.  It wasn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be.  Maybe the Hubby is in the same shoes I was before I saw the "Other" side of TDY's.  Hope this might shed a little light on things.....


Rick, I really like your response and perspective.  I didn't post the thread, but I do appreciate your input!

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make it easy, tell him you'll be more slutty one week so long as he is more helpful the other week. take turns every week.

point is, meet half way. the old tit for tat. if you can't meet halfway then i say you need to think about why it is that you can't. because "slutty" won't cure that.


i bleed burnt orange. http://www.facebook.com/people/Glen-Mixon/100000588825736 currently in the land of entrapment

I thought about this one all night, maybe it is in the presentation/initiation?

Try asking him to write it in a letter and mail it to you so you can find a time where you can appreciate his thoughts instead of it being something he tries to talk about every time.  Women respond differently.  You get the letter and read it, maybe over and over so when he calls you it might be on your mind or you may just write back. 

I know I wanted to talk about sex a lot and he didn't want to think about it but after I wrote him, he wrote me back and it satisified our needs.  Somewhat like reading a romance novel. 

Maybe a change of thought?  Slutty sounds like something demeaning much like something I would do if I was really really in the mood but with nothing to stimulate you how are you supposed to get in that kind of mood if he is gone?  That just may lead to feeling lonely. 

Think about it, write him first and tell him how you feel.  Maybe he will re-direct his energy to something both can appreciate equally?


I realize most men and women are very different when it comes to the amount of sex they want/require. Like some of you I just do a quickie to  keep him happy and to feel close to him. But other times I let him know that if he would start doing some of the work around the house and yard instead of sleeping or watching TV (when he is home) then I would have more energy to enjoy sex since I would be less exhausted. In other words the more he actually helps out around the house, the more SEX he gets. I work 12 hour days, then go home and clean, cook, etc.. so sleep is my biggest wish at the end of the day. Neither of us is big on dirty talk, too shy. I took some photos of me with a fur coat drapped over me suggestively, barely hid anything. That is about as slutty as I get. Yea he has to be reminded to tone down the grabbing and when he doesn’t because he is so focused, I grabbed the boys and he understood real quick what I was talking about.  Ruins the mood for him, but hey being too aggressive with the girls ruins the mood for me. Sorry, but I am not getting bruised just because he is too excited. I know sex is a release for them, so I would rather he get it from me then some slut on the corner or in a strip club or some juicy girl in S. Korea. He just has to understand I have needs just like he has needs, it is a partnership.  If a guy wants to play the macho man role ( which my sweet heart does not do) then he can find another partner. Thankfully my job allows me the privilege of not having to putting up with that.

 


Kari

My advice, find a quiet place and talk about why you are not feeling amorous at night. Explain what you need to have happen for you to feel less tired. Maybe one night a week he takes care of dinner and you get to rest, in return you will be more amorous with him. I don't know how old your children are, but maybe you can make a bedroom date for Saturday morning while cartoons are on, or you can trade with a friend, then it is not late at night and you are not exhausted. Maybe you could find something together to spice things up, on a date night hit the local adult toy shop and find something to use together. Some of these shops even give a military discount, and not everything in them is the gross stuff you might think of. Bottom line you need to talk to your husband about why you are feeling the way your are feeling, he may not understand.

I also don't know your age, but at a certain point women start to go through a change and their hormones get all messed up, this could be affecting your drive long before you really start menopause. Next time you go to the doctor ask the doctor you could ask about having your hormone levels checked, that might explain why you are so tired, besides having three kids.

 


Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring - Marilyn Monroe

My husband has now retired from the Army since 1996. We've been married for 28 years. He's 55 and I'm 49. I've never had any kids but maybe I can help you a bit since I'm an "old fart". Is it possible for you two to spend a weekend away for a mini honeymoon to spice things up and get a much needed break from your everyday lives? Do you have any trusted friends that you could leave your kids with while you go on your mini vacation? Perhaps he could take leave and you could spend a week away at some nice sun and sand vacation and have either your parents or his parents watch the kids. I hope everything works out for you and I thank you both for your service to the military.

Cat wrote:

Never change to be something you are not for any man!

Always seek change to be better than you are... man or not! 

Dr. Laura once said something on her radio show that totally rings true!  I can't quote it, but it's something like this...  When you think you are just too tired pretend that your best friend from High School just showed up at your front door.  You could stay up most of the night talking, even after a long exhausting day!  Show your husband that same excitement and energy!  Once he starts "playing" your mind will shift into a much more energetic place, then enjoy!


Here's a different point of view.  Both my wife and I were active duty and have retired.  When I would go TDY (TAD for the Navy types), all I really had to do was my job.  Not alot of other worries.  The job can be repetive and a little boring sometimes, so my mind would wonder, usuially to sexual things.  I would then play out scenes in my mind, and talk to the wife about them.  I couldn't really understand why she didn't seem to like them as much as she used to or as much as I did.  Then I retired and became "Mr. Mom".  The wife started going TDY instead of me and I was taking care of the kids and household....Boy, what a change!!!  By the end of the day, I was vrey tired, sex was the last thing on my mind...and guess who was the one wanting me to get "slutty"?  Yep, the wife that all she had to do was her job and let her mind wonder....  Now the shoe was on the other foot.  When I was TDY on active duty, I never realized how difficult it was to hold down the fort at home.  It wasn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be.  Maybe the Hubby is in the same shoes I was before I saw the "Other" side of TDY's.  Hope this might shed a little light on things.....

We kind of have the opposite problem. We spend a lot of time apart, and when we see one another I want to make love every night...but he is not as interested. Last time we had 4 days together and we only made love the first night. I was crushed. It's hard not to feel rejected and undesirable when he doesn't seem to want me when we have so little opportunity to be together.


NavyWife012609 wrote:

lol I'm with wolfcow!  sometimes DH just comes up and grabs my butt as hard as he can or just grabs at my boobs really hard... i don't think he realizes his strength but he just comes home, gets excited, and without me expecting it, it just stresses me out a bit, personally. I also prefer to give oral sometimes. I enjoy doing it anyways, but it makes him really happy, and I try to do this or have sex almost every day because I don't want him to feel unattractive or not worth the effort.

 

What i might recommend is try to have the adult time YOU want and then get into the adult time HE wants or vice versa.  Maybe snuggle and have discussions about things while laying on his chest afterwards. I find that sometimes we have the best conversations with my head on his chest after sex.  I do mean we... it's honestly not just me talking! lol


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I definitely agree with NavyWife's last paragraph. It seems like most of the responses have been centered around you being more slutty, when it wouldn't hurt for him to understand that when you guys do have time alone you want more than sex. You need to connect on a more intimate level. Sex without feeling connected can really be just another chore. Have you told him outright that you need more from your alone time than sex? I'm sure he'll understand that you need to talk, express yourself, snuggle, etc. I hope you guys can work things out so that both your needs are met. 

Its really nice to know that I'm not the only one out there with this "situation".  I think I just gotta learn to relax a little and remember that we were a couple before we were parents and try to get back to that mindset--its gonna take time but I will give it my best shot. /WorkArea/threadeddisc/emoticons/wink.png

 

Thanks everyone


I don't think I was slutty before kids, but definately less exhausted and could put more energy into that aspect of our relationship


Ok ladies, I need some help.  Me and my husband have been married for 12yrs and have 3kids.   He is gone TDY and deployed alot so that leaves me to take care of everything at home (i'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about)  .  By the time comes at night for us to be alone, whether it be at home or via webcam, all he wants to do is talk about sex, fantasies, and wonders why I don't be more into sex, excited about it, or talk about it more and want to get more adventurous.  What he doesn't realize is by that time of day being sexy is the last thing on my mind.  When we go out on "date nights" it seems like all he wants to do is "have fun" and wants me to be more slutty.  When I get lucky enough to have a date night with my husband (with no kids) I want to enjoy his company and conversation and he doesn't seem to understand why I can't turn off my "mommy side" and turn on the "slutty wife" side.  I don't know how to keep both of us happy when we obviously want different things.  I am willing to do some things and try harder to give him what he wants, but it seems to be all he talks about anymore and it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him anymore, he re-assures me this is not the case, but I can't help how I feel.  

Any Advice please ??????


 I know what you mean about not being able to "turn off" your Mommy side. I have kids too. But it's good to switch things up once in a while. Plus after having a few kids you are still a woman. Even if it's something as small as wearing a little nighty to bed I am sure the hubby would appriciate it and you would aslo get a little confidence boost. You are more than enough for your husband because he is asking that you spice it up a little bit. If he didn't want you he would go to a strip club or something. For me and the hubby I do little thing like that because one it makes him happy and two it makes me feel good too. I need that little confidence after having 3 babies.


Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

 I think that a lot of people may not see it from the husbands point of view. Sex is the way most men express their love AND the way they know that you love them. Even though some of us say it all the time to them they still need to know that you desire/want them. Physically. Almost like an ego stroke. They will even start to think there is someone else. Find time for each other because if you neglect each other then when the kids grow up you will be almost like strangers.


Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

He has to understand raising kids without husband being around is hard, you get tired and like all you think about is doing house errands and taking care of the family that you sometime forget to be "slutty" at night because with all that running around doing errands, at the end of the day all you think about is sleep. Just relax, I think youre perfectly fine.

 

There's always "help" if you need it. S3x store? Guys like it when woman take charge =)


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I like this thread because I am sooo right there with you. We've been married 11 years (together 14) and we have three kids, 6, 3, and 8 months. The problem is he has the libido he's had since we were teenagers and I don't. It insults him sometimes and he thinks I don't find him attractive and then I feel bad. We have had problems tyring to balance it out.

What I do is no matter what, everyday, I give him some. Whether I'm in the mood or not. It makes him happy. TMI Alert for those with sensitive ears or eyes, I guess. I prefer to give oral because it requires less libido from me and gives him the most, well, enthusiasm I suppose would be the word. Sorry if that was too much info for you, but I'm honestly just trying to share some tips.

What my husband had to do was tone down the aggression a bit. The more aggressive he is, the more stressed I get that I'm not into it. I'm okay with him grabbing my butt or boobs nicely, though. I appreciate the affection, but sometimes I have to remind him to not be so rough in his enthusiasm.

I'm right there with you about night time. I'm so tired and it's so hard to turn the mommy off when my whole day is concentrated on being mommy. Even when I am into it and things are going great I'll get some stray mommy thought that just ruins it. It's so frustrating. My husband is a bit more understanding about it now than he used to be and I do try harder to turn the sluty wife on like some superwoman alter ego, but clarice kent is always trying to come back out. So I read literotica or do whatever else helps and my husband takes the kids away for awhile and he'll do my house chores. He jokes that I have the weirdest dirty talk and turn ons. "Tell me about how you did the dishes. Oh yeah. Now tell me about how you vaccumed..." It sounds weird like that but when you consider that he's taking some of that mommy bit out of my day leaving more time for me to be me it makes more sense.

We really look forward to visits from the grandparents or to them because all they want is the kids and we can go out and be us again and have fun and that's when sluty wife likes to come out, so my advice to you is find someone you would trust to take your kids overnight or for a day or two (with drop ins from you, of course. Even I can't go for more than 12 hours without at least seeing mine) and go out and have fun. I think you might be suprised at what a lot of alone time together can do. I know I was. Put on the nice lingerie and have fun! I really hope that wasn't too much for you. I really am just trying to help.

Whom ever wrote this mag. must not be aware that their male military spouses as well. Some of garbage that is on this site is unbelievable. I see why most civillans think the military is filled with cheaters and other not so nice words for the ladies.

I have this same dilemma. I'm tired from doing everything alone and the thought of having to go through all that is even more tiresome but a part of me realizes that he would like that part of me to come out. He's hinted at it but never said it. I feel guilty but I'm tired too. I will do my best to put more effort into that part.......


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