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In-Laws feel like they are being ignored by their deployed son ...

His parents are just worried.  I know you are concerned but the best thing you can do for him and tell him even if it is just a one minute phone call to them to say he dont always have time of access to call them but he will do his best when he does that should keep them pacified.  No matter what you say to them all they want to do is hear from him and once they do they will feel better.

My husband too did not get in touch with his family while he was gone and I would speak to his mom every day and she would literally be holding on to my every word.  I wrote a letter to him and told him that as a father who is away from his kids and constantly wanting to know  if they are ok and how they are doing it is the same for his parents brothers and sister.  I said how would he feel if his daughters went to another country and decided not to contact him not even for a minute?  Right after he got the letter he called all his family and his mom called so happy that she heard his voice and it put her mind at ease that he was ok.

It is hard on everyone with family gets deployed, as much as he needs to get in touch with wife and kids he also needs to contact his parents because they are probably not even sleeping worry sick, and that one phone call does wonders.  My hubby didnt call his aparents every day or even every month but when a call was made it did wonders.

To me it does sound like they are worried.  I don't know them or your situation.  Me and my MIL don't along because I confronted her instead of letting my husband handle it, which he wasn't ever going to do, but thats another topic, lol.  

I would tell your in laws that when you talked to him last time-when ever that was-that he wanted you to relay a message that he feels really bad and hasn't had time to call them, he misses them and he will likely not have time to call them until he gets home.  That should pacify them until he gets home.  That hopefully will stop the "comments" and phone calls to you.  Be sure to tell them that he is really busy, and barely talks to you.  This will make them feel better. 

I wish you luck.  I know its hard to stay strong......I am going through it myself.  It will all work out and everything will be ok. 


EngWife

My husband deployed in May and since then, my in-laws have been complaining to me that "he never talks to them". Lately it has been too much to handle. The news did a segment on the 82nd ABN DIV in Afghanistan and suddenly my father-in-law made a smart ass comment on his sons facebook wall. In a nut shell it said, "The reporter told us where they were and what they were doing, but oh wait ... I know, you can't tell me anything!!!" Then another post later, "Know you have a world of things going on but you are still a part of mine, would be nice to hear from you." Then today, "Would it be to hard to just take a moment out of your day to say Hi?" I am starting to lose my cool. You don't post hostile things to your son that may make him feel bad and distract him in a war zone! As a veteran, I thought his father might understand that he can't be in contact all the time, but I guess not. How do I deal with them. I have already tried explaining to them, when they complain about never getting calls, that I really don't get calls from him either. I need help about how to approach them about this!

MJALYN: The problem is that he does call them, they don't answer the phone. He called them today and they didn't answer. He messages his dad on facebook, but when his dad started being a smart ass about the fact that my husband couldn't tell him any information but the news could, that's when my husband stopped responding to "would it be to hard to just say hi?" I wouldn't want to respond to that smart ass comment either. He does contact them, I see it, but it is never enough. Granted he lived with his parents till he was 22, maybe it is just a little hard for them to not see and hear from him every day. At any rate, I am getting tired of the smart ass comments and them complaining to me that he doesn't give them the time of day when I know he does. I am not trying to shut them out, I am just asking for advice on how to approach them and make them understand that he can't just pick up the phone whenever and if he isn't allowed to share information, that's not his fault.

Thanks everybody! He tried to contact his family today for Thanksgiving, either they didn't answer or the call didn't go through. I am just going to push through it and not say anything unless his dad continues to be smart about it. I just want him to understand that he does try to call, I hardly get calls so it isn't personal, and that if he can't share information ... that isn't his fault. I think the fact that my sister-in-laws fiance is deployed and calls all the time has them wondering why he can't do the same.

Yeah, my in-laws are whiny about that too.  They forget that I'm her husband, so they don't get to hear from her as much as I do, and I only hear from my wife 2-3 times a week.  It doesn't help that my in-laws and I don't get along, so they get really asdfjkl; off that I hear more from their little girl than they do.  Last deployment they used to call and try to gloat whenever she called them.  I usually had heard from her first, but even when I hadn't I got to the point where I lied to them and said I had, just to hear that sound of disappointment in their voices.  

Remind them that you don't hear from him much either, and if they tell you to tell him to call them, remind them that he's your husband, and you won't give up time talking to him for them.  It didn't endear me anymore to the inlaws, but it sure as hell made me feel better.

I think the comments are hostile because they are being passive agressive jerks.  i totally understand that they are his parents and they are worried, however, as a Veteran his father should understand what depoyed life is like.  my husband called me once a week when he was deployed.  he called his mom as often as he could, but his priority was   (and is) me and our kids. she would also act shocked when i told her i talked to him.  how often did they talk before he deployed? also, i think asking him how bhe would feel if it was his kids is stupid. of course he'd be worried.  i would just tell him to call when he can and leave it at that.  the last time i told my husband to call his mother he freaked and thought something was wrong.


Loving my Marine since 1999; Proud mom to two Devil Pups, Elijah and Jacob

This is what I told my in-laws... Your son is deployed. He is running around Iraq and Afghanistan in constant danger. He needs to think about fighting, eating and sleeping. Not calling home to either me or you. If its between sleep and calling us, I want him to have sleep, so he's sharp. Sleep will help to keep him and his men safe. I'm sorry if that means you get less sleep at night, but that's just the way it has to be. Deployments are NOT quid pro quo. You give to the soldier, your support and love and you shouldn't expect anything back. Them coming home safe should be enough.

Next time you talk to his parents, tell them "he says hi". And next time you talk to him, remind him to try to call or email his parents as they are having a hard time with him being gone. Yes YOU deserve most of his calls and extra time, but they deserve a bit too. They ARE his parents afterall. I have always reminded my husband to call his mom every so often when he is gone because she has a hard time with him being away. It also gets her off my back and keeps comments like the ones you are referring to away.

I'm going to be totally honest, but IMO your in-laws sound like passive aggressive control freaks. And his dad is a veteran?! He of all people should know you can't just drop everything and call people in a freaking war zone. I understand they are worried about their son and they WANT to hear from him but sometimes, it just CAN'T happen. But I agree with other posters and let your hubs deal with it. Getting involved will only create more craziness.
"Believe nothing, no mater where you read it or who said it, even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." - The Buddha
Air Force Veteran & Marine Wife

If it bothers your husband, I'm sure he'll say something to them. Maybe that would make them happy?

Seriously though, next time you talk to them you could mention some things he said the last time you talked to him and sneak in a "he says hi", even if it's not true. They're probably just worried about him. He probably feels like he doesn't have much to tell them. When my hubby is deployed and he calls he thinks whatever has happened on his end either wouldn't interest me, or he can't tell me about it at the time.


www.loveyourlizzie.com

I deal with this too!!! my hubby is deployed and lately its not bad at all but his deployment is almost over but the mother n law almost had a cow when he came home and didnt tell her for days that he was home for r and r!!!!!!!! but she had posted something on facebook saying dates he was coming home and ruined his surprise visit (he wasnt going to tell me until i started freaking out thinking he was going to miss r and r cause of her post) but guess who got the verbal attack from mommy me of course.... to be honest most of the time i just lie and say that he says hi when she asks about him after a while she got over it but it took a long time for it to become civil i talked to him about it (begged him to call her the moment he was home for r and r and kept on until he called) i asked him to try to tell her that it wasnt my fault that he didnt get to call everyone and i tried again and again to tell her that he only had a few mins most of the time (even if he had longer id say it was a short phone call) in laws are crazy sometimes so hang in there and i hope that it gets easier for them to understand soon but getting in the middle can really cause issues with the hubby its not your issue to deal with as hard as that is for us women sometimes we have to let the guys handle it good luck 

 I agree it is hard on everyone in the family. Before my husband left for his deployment, he told his mom that he would not be able to call her.  And he would pass on his hello's through me.

I had to laugh since he is not close to his family he said hon you know what to say right.  So I do.  I just let them know he is fine thinking of them always and will be home as soon as he can.

This keeps her going- as for fb he told them don't have the time to always be on there.  This is true his job is demanding and I get short messages via messenger, which I treasure.

So don't worry let them vent maybe saying something like oh I know its hard on us all.  When he gets home it will all be good.

Thank you for your Soldier

May they all be home soon

Be safe stay strong

 

 

 


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I completely understand how you are feeling. When my husband first deployed in 2003, I never received a phone call, I only got letters. His parents being veterans where very upset about this. They expressed it with phone calls to me that it would be nice to receive a letter to. Then in 2007 when he deployed again they where very upset that they did not get a phone call at all. They used his brother who was also over seas in the Army would call them daily. I told them I am glad his brother has the time to call. Unlike his brother my husband is not an officer. He actually works, I told my husband when he called me about what his parents expressed to me. He explained to me that he would rather spend his 15 minute allotted time for a phone call in talking to me. This time around our third deployment he has taken the time to call his parents after speaking to me. He doesn't call them everyday but when he does he lets me know. That way when they call to rub it in my face that they spoke to him I let them know that I already knew.

Posting mean things on to your sons Facebook page is not right. If your husband has any concerns about what they are doing then he must talk to his parents. Let him be the one to tell them he would rather spend what free time he has talking to his wife.

Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

 "Know you have a world of things going on but you are still a part of mine, would be nice to hear from you."

 "Would it be to hard to just take a moment out of your day to say Hi?"

how is that hostile?? That is a concerned parent who wants their child to take a few minutes out of their time to let them know he is ok.  If he has time to contact you then he does have time to post a message on their FB or an email or a phone call saying "I'm fine."  Just because you married him doesn't mean that he has to stop talking to his parents at all.    If this was your child how would you feel? Wouldn't you want to know?   Send an email or send a letter to him asking him that, how would he feel if it was your child who was deployed.  As a veteran he knows what the child could be going through and if anything that would cause more worries.  


YOU don't approach them...your DH does. They are his parents. When your DH has time he needs to put them in their place...not in a rude or nasty way, but he simply needs to be firm and to the point. He needs to inform them that when he has the time he will contact them and that until then they need to be supportive. Period.


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My mother in law thinks my husband is mad at her because of his childhood when he doesn't call. It is hard to get them to understand that they cannot call everyday, or when he does call, he cannot disclose where he is and such. WE as spouses know these things and I personally think it is our responsibility to help our deployed spouses families know that they do care and will call when they can.....

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There is not much you can do; perhaps he doesn't respond when they make rude comments...that is how my husband is. They should just be happy to know he is safe; and not be so hostile and I bet they'd hear from him more. He probably gets very little time to make phone calls or use the computer. My husband gets to have a lot of contact with me this deployment; I'm thankful for that but I know some ladies who barely get a 5 minute phone call here and there; so no telling what the situation is. Regardless; I would just ask him to maybe e-mail or facebook them more often if he can; and leave it at that. Them being rude over the situation will not solve anything; it may just make them all grow apart. Right now is a time for support and not for them needing so much attention. I would just ignore it and then mention to your husband to send them a letter or e-mail when he gets time to say hello and that he is doing okay. That is really all you can do. 


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i sent my inlaws the same link with no response my husband left in april and they have only tried to talk to me and the kids a total 3 times since except while he was home for r&r then they were calliing/txting/emailing everyday all day even while i was in labor and giving birth lol......my inlaws are also very passive aggressive with both me and dh try not to let it get to you easier said than done i know.....

I think one of the posters nailed it, let your hubby deal with his parents on his time and if it's when he gets back then that's when he does it, don't push the issue. For the time being, if they call you, try to be nice and just say he's been extremely busy and even your phone calls have been very brief and communication is rough. There are times when my hubby calls and the sat. com. is so bad that we try 3 or more times to have a conversation and the connection keeps giving out. I'm not sure what hours your DH calls but my calls are usually in the middle of the night. Just tell them depending on where he's at depends on when he can call, what he can talk about and for how long. When OIF first broke out phone calls were very rare and though communication is much better now there are still times where communication is not so good. Also try explaining to them because of OPSEC he just doesn't want to be placed in the position of having to tell them a bunch of "I can't tell you" answers. I know my hubby gets tired of telling his parents that 100 times. I just got to the point where I would tell them that from our brief conversations he is working hard as he always does and he and his men are making sure they are staying focused on their mission so they can get their job done and come home-we need to be strong for them here so they can be safe over there. When I get frustrated I just try to tell myself that he needs me to be strong so he can do what he needs without him worrying about drama back home.


 
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