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vent and advice.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Most of our years together were away from family in another state or overseas. We have moved to an Air Force base that has family, husbands parents, 3 hours away, it is a blessing and we have been thankful. However, recently we have discovered that the in-laws have been holding things in for 7 years. They were afraid to tell us because they did not want to hurt our feelings. unfortunately, what had started this was emergency surgery that had happened for my self, an ectopic pregnancy. It was my husbands decision to not have them come down, he felt it was a private moment, and if something happened during surgery then yes come down. We were early in the pregnancy and had only told both our parents. We didn't tell anyone else yet because we wanted to wait for the first ultra sound due to past issues. my husband told them not to tell anyone from the family because just a week before his cousin died in a motorcycle accident and family didn't need to hear our news on top of that. Well a long story short, they made it about them and blamed me for not wanting them down and how they want to tell people because they are grieving too, my husband went into it with them saying that it wasn't my idea but his and that although they have every right to grieve it wasnt their news to spread, more was said but never did they apologize, I learned to let go on that but this is what started it all, the build up.... one of the things they held in was when we were living out of state, they had said they wanted to visit but husband had decided against it for personal reason. They had just recently told my husband on a trip that they felt let down because they had purchased the train tickets and were ready to make the trip down. this was held in for 7 years. it was a small thing but it bothered them that bad. My youngest 4 yo at the time, got sick bad and had to be hospitalized. Husband was deployed I had my 6 year old. I had called them to let them know, I was never in a position like it and learned my lesson but the one thing I learned was that I have to ask for them to come down for help. I didnt really think it was necessary at the time to ask, I think they should have came down anyways.I told my mom and she tried to get a flight but couldn't afford it, but that verbal attempt was good enough for me. Never had they offered or was it mentioned. I had to have "now" help, I got it from friends and my husbands great co-workers. but because I didnt ask for help, they blamed me. held it in. there is so much more but my husband and the his parents had a sit down to vent out about me, what I did, things that were questionable some were valid. The thing is I respect it, it had to be done. now the holidays are coming up and they still need time to cope. I know that there are things that they mentioned that I do need to work on but I honestly think that there are things that need to be let go. As to me letting go, I have but when blame is put on me, I will become defensive. I dont fret on it because it was done and it is time to move on. They are having a hard time with wanting to come out to christmas, and already invited only my husband and children over for a visit. Now, when I learned of that invite, it hurt for a moment but was their loss but they need to see the grandbabies. I hope for the most part this made sense, I am just curious. there is a whole lot more to this but I honestly would have to ask my husband. he does stick up for me, and he is a bit disapointed in his parents, we both love them still too.

my husband is very good at washing the boys, getting them ready for bed. When we are at the inlaws I let him or the grandparents do it. I have always been this way, I thought that they would like it and appreciate me not butting in on this bonding time because I really and trully thought it was bonding time. The same goes with food. They have always made plates for the boys, I have never had any problems with this. Supposedly, this bothered them very much, that I dont do the motherly duties. I do at home, husband helps out too. Its always been 50/50

I'm a DIL and a MIL.  Based on your last post, it seems that when you spent time at their house you automatically assumed that they would be overjoyed to take care of the children. I never gave my grandbaby a bath or changed a diaper when her parents were there. Reading and playing are bonding activities.  Why would they assume that you wanted them to come when your child was sick, unless you verbalized it, especially given the fact that they were told not to come when you lost your baby?  I think there is more going on than you feel comfortable sharing.  Still, I don't think your husband should go without you, unless you don't want to go. Seems to me that they tried not to overstep the boundaries.  Hope you all get it worked out.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,then beat you with experience.

What did you do that was so terrible that they wouldn't include you in the invite to come and visit? What you mentioned in your post mostly refers to your husband's decisions about his parents and their visits.  Where do you fit in that picture?


Mel. "Life...it is what it is. Suck it up, deal with it and move on."

You're in-laws are extremely immature.  If it were me I wouldn't waste my time being bothered with ewhat they say or do just not worth it,.


image

"there is so much more but my husband and  his parents had a sit down to vent out about me, what I did, things that were questionable some were valid. The thing is I respect it, it had to be done. "

 

This statement may say more than you intended, or it is misleading. What are some of the things that you did? Without knowing, then one cannot even begin to form an opinion as to whether or not there is some validity with their supposed issue.

 

The only thing I can say, is that as long as you are still married to him then they should never extend an invitation that specifically excludes you.


www.wickedwitandwisdom.blogspot.com

H*** my in-laws aren't even official in-laws yet and they act like this.  They've told me that I wasn't good enough for their son and want him to move home.  However, for the holidays he won't go without me in his mind I'm kinda part of the package now, ya know? My best advice just let what they say go in one ear and out the other, hold your tongue while your there, and have a best friend to vent to on spend dial as soon as you hit the car.  

Im sorry for you having to deal with this. But what I dont understand is you really planning to let your husband and kids go over there house for christmas? Without you? Wow! Your older child will be asking why mum is not there, right? And you will spent christmas without your husband and kids? And your husband is ok with this?


 
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