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The Mom-In-Law and The EX

USMCSpouse wrote:

I don't have any children yet, but my  husband has a son from a previous relationship (long story)...but this is MY story, and it's what I would do...

My MIL is GAGA over all of my husbands exes...even the ones that did TERRIBLE things (I know, there's 3 sides to a story, but even his mom sides with his side...but she's still gaga for these girls)...

I have informed my husband that if when we have kids I find out that ANY of our children are around his exes bc they are with his mother, that I will FLIP THE HELL OUT, and SHE WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN WITHOUT ME BEING THERE...I don't want my kids (hypothetical children) to come home talking about "Aunt Ashley, Aunt Kelli, Aunt Tiffany" etc...

If my kids are able to be around my husbands son at some point in the future, then so be it...but they don't need to be with his son's mother...that's just my opinion...and thankfully my husband agrees...

Sorry for your headache you've got going...hope things work out for all parties involved...


I completely understand what you are saying but the reality is your husband has child outside that child comes with a mother, so the reality is there will be time where your kids maybe spending time with their brother and the brother mom is there.

You are setting unrealistic goals now that will turn out to be a big problem.  At some point his son will see you when he is visiting his father, will you want the mother to say she will not allow her son to see his father becasue she doesnt want you around the child?  No matter what happened in the past or whatever the child still comes first and best outlook is to do what is best for the kids especially if they want to know each other that is the reality of two merging familiies.  The ex son comes with a mom and if your kids wants to know their brother they will eventually meet her or spend time with her, just like the ex son will meet you and spend time with you.

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Re: the OP:


Since there is a child involved, that changes everything.  I think that it's totally cool that the ex and child are staying with MIL, but she should have been open with your husband.  Why can't he see his child when they are visiting?  If he is legally barred from seeing the kid, there may be some other issues going on.

lilb7781 wrote:

Thanks ladies.  You are right.  My daughter does deserve her Grandma.  And as long as Grandma doesn't say mean/nasty things about me or to me in front of my daughter, there is no reason they can't have their relationship.

I'll just have my husband be the one to facilitate it! No need for ME to be around her! lol


After my ex and I parted ways I told his mother that she could continue to see her grandchild but if at any time it came to my attention she was doing anything or saying anything to my son to cast me in a negative light I would stop allowing them time together (there were some very ugly comments made by my ex's family towards me after our breakup).  I was upfront with her that the grandparent relationship was very important and I would do nothing to interfere as long as she was just as respectful of my relationship with my son.  He is almost 11yrs old and we have had no issues! 


Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future (Lewis B. Smedes)

Your MIL wasnt to maintain access to her grandchild.  The only way to do that is top stay on the mother's 'good side'. I agree with Lele. Bottom line is your DH has a child that predates your relationship and he has an obligation to that child.  As his wife, you should be trying to help him facilitate that relationship. Both your DH and the his ex need to put the child first.

And no, you should not prevent you MIL fron having a relationship with your child. I still have a good relationship with my former MIL, and the ex and I didn't have children.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,then beat you with experience.

What would you do?

I am my husband's second wife and we have a beautiful baby girl.  We started dating very quickly after he and his ex split up, making his mom believe that my presence was why he and his ex didn't get back together and she has hated me, made me feel unwelcome and in my face has made it known that not only does she prefer my husband's ex, but her actions and snide remarks also make me feel like in her perfect world, she'd like my husband to leave me, take our daughter, and have a happy little family with his ex.  We've been together 6 years, married for 3 of them... she's obviously not going to get over this.

On to the Ex.  There is GOOD reason they are exes.  She lives in Germany with my husband's other daughter.  She uses their daughter as a way to hurt my husband - he is only allowed to see his daughter 2 times a year (Thanks a lot German court system) and talk to her once a week.  His ex even prevents this from happening.  Hubby hasn't even seen his daughter in a year (not entirely the ex's fault, some of it is the Army schedule getting in the way).

Now, getting TO THE POINT! lol

We just learned that his mother invited her and the daughter to her home for 3 weeks.  They were hoping we wouldn't find out so that the Ex wouldn't have to let my husband see his daughter.

We are currently in a custody battle in Germany and hopefully this will all be taken care of before the visit even happens but my question...

I don't want my mother in law around me or MY daughter at all.  I don't know why my husband puts up with his mother.  She is on his ex's side, not his.

Would you let your child around this woman?

Maybe this is just going to be a place for me to vent my frustrations that seem to have no solution... and maybe that's all I need... but I'd love some suggestions or at the very least shared stories so I know I am not alone!

Thanks ladies.  You are right.  My daughter does deserve her Grandma.  And as long as Grandma doesn't say mean/nasty things about me or to me in front of my daughter, there is no reason they can't have their relationship.

I'll just have my husband be the one to facilitate it! No need for ME to be around her! lol

I don't have any children yet, but my  husband has a son from a previous relationship (long story)...but this is MY story, and it's what I would do...

My MIL is GAGA over all of my husbands exes...even the ones that did TERRIBLE things (I know, there's 3 sides to a story, but even his mom sides with his side...but she's still gaga for these girls)...

I have informed my husband that if when we have kids I find out that ANY of our children are around his exes bc they are with his mother, that I will FLIP THE HELL OUT, and SHE WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN WITHOUT ME BEING THERE...I don't want my kids (hypothetical children) to come home talking about "Aunt Ashley, Aunt Kelli, Aunt Tiffany" etc...

If my kids are able to be around my husbands son at some point in the future, then so be it...but they don't need to be with his son's mother...that's just my opinion...and thankfully my husband agrees...

Sorry for your headache you've got going...hope things work out for all parties involved...

sounds to me like your hubby needs to stand up to his mother. i dont know the laws in germany but if she refuses to let him see his daughter while she is in then i would bring that up in court.

if his mother is not really acting like a grandmother to your daughter then dont let her around her. but if she is a grandmother to her. then dont stop letting her see your daughter because in the long run you will be hurting your daughter on that.

I think it says a lot that your husbands exwife is coming with there daughter to visit the grandma ( your husbands mother) all the way from germany. But not for your husband ( her childs father) to see him. In my book there are probable good reasons for that. Not to mention that, would the father of the child live closer to his daughter he would be seeing her more often.If there are not good reasons against it ( not the german courts fault)

 
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