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MIL that needs to take a CHILL PILL!!!

Even my screwed inlaws gave us a two weeks notice before they showed up for only two weeks, and I was certainly ready for them to leave after one day--so I know how you feel.  I put my foot down, though.  I just told them that if they wanted to stay in my household, they were going to have to play by my rules, and that meant no fighting, bickering, or mention of my husband's checkered past, if they couldnt get past that they could go stay in a hotel.  I have been with my husband for 12 years now and the kid gloves came off long ago when it comes to my inlaws.  Sometimes I feel like they are a force unstoppable, but right now we are at an semi-peace with one another.  The problem is my husband cant say no to them.  Whatever they want to do he lets them do--or plays right along with them.  I personally just treat them all like children when they get together, because all they do is fight like children.  If I were you, while you are at her household, play by her rules, but when she comes to yours, insist on her playing by your rules. For example, every time she mentions that your husband should have married someone else--just call her on it.  Just tell her, that it is very rude for her to speak that way, and it hurts you, and that if she wants to talk that way she can leave.  Be consistent, either she will get the hint and shut up or get so upset that she will leave--in any case you win.


Your DH is the problem. He hasn't set parameters with his mother. It's his job to tell her that your  house is not the "Do Drop Inn",  especially when we're talking about month-long visits. That's just rude.  Your DH needs to put on his big boy pants.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,then beat you with experience.

I just need someplace to VENT right now!!!

Okay, let me start out by saying, I met my husband and married him inside of a month (quick, yes...but we have been happily married for 2 years). My family got to know my husband inside of that month, bc he was at C-school (Marine Corps) down the street from where I lived with my family. And honestly, the only reason we got married so fast was bc he got orders to Okinawa for his first Duty Station and didn't want to leave me behind. So...we got married at the court house

The night we got married, he tells his parents (First of all, he was 26 when we got married). I had NO IDEA that they didn't know that he was even dating anybody, let alone getting married. Well, he was supposed to leave 5 days after we got married, and I wanted to make sure I met my in-laws...otherwise it'd be 3 or 4 long years before that happened. So, we drove up to VA for me to meet his family. 

His Dad and I hit it off instantly!!! We are almost like two peas in a pod...his Mom seemed nice enough to me...I showed her the proper respect. His sister was a NIGHTMARE!! Telling me ALL about his ex-girlfriends and pulling out pics of when he was with these girls...I was too blissfully happy with my husband to care at the time...so I ignored her. The time came for me to go back home to NC and my husband to leave for Okinawa. It took 9 months for me to get to Oki, bc he had to change his orders to "accompanied". 

So, the FIRST time I see him in 9 months is when I get off the plane...we were alone for 3 days when we got a knock on the hotel door (we were waiting on housing) and I opened the door...lo and behold, it was my MIL!!!! She SHOVED me out of the doorway to get to my husband and GRABBED him and held him like she hadn't seen him in years and just got back from war...I mean, REALLY?!?! He had no idea she had planned to show up!! She stayed with us, IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM (bc the hotel was booked) for two weeks before we got housing...she stayed a total of 28 days with us...lets just say I was more than happy to see her leave on that plane!!

Then, the fall, winter and spring come with my husband and I falling into a good groove. When the summer hits us again. I had suffered a few miscarraiges throughout the year, and they were pretty devastating and I was seeking treatment for them (I have a history of miscarraiges). I was home after one of the procedures when I get a phone call on our house phone (THANK GOD FOR VONAGE)...it's my MIL...SHE IS IN OKINAWA AT THE AIRPORT!! She wanted to surprise us, but didn't have enough Yen to get a cab...and wanted to know if I could come and get her...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

She decided to stay for another 28 days, but this time, brought her daughter along for the trip...my husband had JUST used up his leave two days before so I was stuck with them all day (He works 12hr shifts)...I tried to get them to go out places with me and explore the island. They had lived here in the early 90's when my FIL was stationed here...but they just wanted to sit at home and watch TV (couldn't they do that at home in VA?)...I had to sit through 28 days of how horrible I am as a wife, how I'm a horrible person bc I haven't given them any grandchildren (his sister has 2 kids)...etc...HIS MOM EVEN HAD THE GAUL TO TELL HIM HE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED "SO-AND-SO" (she listed ALL his exes) INSTEAD OF ME, BC THEY ALL HAD CHILDREN, SO OBVIOUSLY THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CARRY A CHILD TO TERM WITH HIM!!!! She said this on a car ride when I was in the backseat (bc I gave his Mom the front to be with her son)...and his sister nodded her head in agreement the whole time!!!

She never even let me get in my kitchen to cook either...I mean, cooking here and there, I get it...but for 28 straight days, I didn't cook...and she's not the best cook, IMO...it just hurt, honestly.

*And we just found out we will be here on the island for an additional 2 years (long story) and his mother informed us that she will be coming every summer until we are home...hopefully she brings my FIL...at least he understands and keeps her reeled in O.o

When she left the second time, I informed my husband of the following: I told him that I understand that he is the "baby" of the family, but he is a grown man. He's not a BABY anymore, and he is married and has his own life. As important as I think family is (especially as a military couple), there comes a time when you need to cut the cord. A mother needs to realize that the wife comes first before his mom...that's the way I was always raised. That's the way MY MOM is with MY BROTHER and SIL...and they have a WONDERFUL relationship (my mom and SIL)...sometimes I wish I could have that with mine, but I wonder if I did...would it be "real"?

Thank you for letting me vent...even if you don't respond...I feel so much better now that I've gotten it out...

***And just a side-note...I recently found out that my MIL is BFF's with ALL of his ex-girlfriends...even the ones that did some pretty shady, messed up things to him (another long story). Am I the only one that thinks this is odd? I mean, my family doesn't keep in touch with ANY of my exes from my past...my past is my past...it doesn't need to meet up with my present. My husband knows my past, and that's all that matters.

The only one that I can understand having around is his son's mother. He gave up his parental rights to his son (he was VERY young when he and the g/f at the time had the baby), and wanted his son to have a better life than he could give at the time. His mom and sister are still involved with that ex...I understand it and support it. HOWEVER, the OTHER women don't need to be around. I was told that they all call his mother "Mom" and my MIL and SIL told me they expect my children that I have with my husband, to call these exes, Aunt "so-and-so"...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

I agree that they will do whatever we allow them to do to us. However, we have had many discussions with his parents (both of us together) about their behavior (mostly his mom's). She just doens't want to hear it. 

As far as him being a "mama's boy"...that's fine to an extent. The problem is, he acts completely different whenever she is around. And even if I dated him for a year, never met his parents, I wouldn't have known he acted the way he does around his mom.

These "long stories" I know about, I just didn't feel it was needed to go into detail about them on here. People do things in the past that they regret. I just don't understand how you can be friends with somebody and expect them to be called "Aunt whatever" when this person wrongfully accused your son of doing things he had no involvment in (not only HIS side of the story, but his fathers and sisters AND EVEN HIS MOM).

I knew about his son from day 1. The situation wasn't what you may think that it was. They were both 16. They agreed that they BOTH would sign away the rights for the child to be put up for adoption. That was the agreement between the two. It's what I was told by HIS family and even the ex (Yes, I've met her). They even had a couple lined up for the child to be adopted into. HOWEVER, she, at the last minute changed her mind...and teenagers being teenagers...they broke up and she didn't want my husband around her or the child for the first few years of his life. This is one reason why I think that teenage pregnancy is a horrible thing. I myself am a result of a teen pregnancy and a single Mom. She did the best that she could with the hand she was dealt. I turned out perfectly fine.

I find NOTHING wrong *Ashley* bringing the child around the family. I encourage it. I just find it appalling that I am expected to have MY children call HER Aunt *Ashley*...along with all the other exes.

Regardless of whether or not I dated him for more than a month or not has nothing to do with my decision. I still would have chosen to marry HIM...HE is a good and honorable man. Even when he tried to do the right thing by his child (signing away rights for an adoption).

You clearly have to re-read my vent...it's not HIM I have the issue with...it's the MIL who keeps coming between the two of us. No matter how many times he has said that he has a problem with HER, and HER BEHAVIOR, she shrugs it off and keeps on doing the same thing.

The def. of INSANITY is DONG THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER EXPECTING DIFF RESULTS

 

I wish I could leave her at the airport...but I didn't want to be the "horrible DIL", especially since she flew for 24+ hrs...we have discussed what will happen in the future when we are stationed closer to home. And the "open door policy" will not apply.

The problem was that he didn't realize he had rights as a father at the time. Sometimes I wish somebody would have told him his rights. But, for whatever reason, his parents wanted nothing to do with the whole "situation" (as they still refer to it). I agree, he did have rights. If it were my minor son, I would have done the same as you (NOT let him sign away his rights). 

We are actually in the process of getting partial custody and parental rights. When I say "we" it's obviously his child, and I am just the "step-mom" if we were able to get partial custody. My husband had no idea he could even do this, until we talked about it and at my insistence. Since I was raised by a single mom with a brother, I know how hard it was for my lil bro to not have a "male figure" in his life. In MY situation, it was better that he wasn't...but as far as my husband goes, it would be best for all parties involved (IMO).

I do hope that it all works out for the best. And when I have kids, they will know that they have a brother also. I believe in keeping family together. I was also raised with the concept of "Your parents are there for you as long as possible. When they die, you only have your siblings left". My kids will be cordial and respectful (I hope) bc I plan on raising my children like I was raised. 

I'm sorry if I got "snippy" about the leaving the child thing. I have to hear it from his sister whenever I talk to her. It's still a sore subject, I think mainly bc we are trying to get it all resolved. 

My husband has constantly put his foot down when it comes to his mother, and so has my FIL...I just feel bad when I see him struggling with it. He just doesn't understand why why she continues to do what she does.

I don't know, maybe as the years go by things will get better. Who knows. I look at my aunt and uncle who have been married for 22years, and have quite literally grown up together (he was her brother's best friends since childhood). She had the perfect relationship with her MIL, but once they started having children, that relationship changed. And I look at my brother, his wife and my mom. She is nothing but respectful of that relationship. I think that's 90% of why my Mom and brother's wife have such a great friendship. Maybe one day I will have it. If not, she's missing out...

Like I said, I just hope that all parties involved can be adults about the situation, but most importantly remember it needs to be in the best interest of the child.

It's okay for coming on strong...Like I said before, I was on edge from the whole legal situation we're going through with this whole thing. Plus, I just recently talked to my MIL on FB...still trying to have a nice and respectful relationship with the MIL.

*And I kind of figured it was cutting too close for you, the whole child topic. And am so happy that your husband has been around for your son...bc my Mom had my brother and I so young, HER father was "Dad" to us...*

I joke with my husband and say we need a vacation after dealing with his mom..even if it's just on the phone...she's just so draining.

That's the sort of MIL I have (claiming him as property). There was a point during the 9 month separation that we thought he would deploy to Afghanistan. I kept my MIL up to date on ALL and ANY info I had about my husband. When I mentioned he could POSSIBLY be deploying soon, she said, "Well, I'm letting you know up front that if he does, when he gets back, I am to be THE FIRST PERSON HE SEES and HUGS. Because I am his MOTHER!" I was in shock! Thankfully I was on "speaker" with her and my FIL...I had to smother a chuckle when my FIL called her out and said, "I don't think so..." It's nice to have somebody on my side...but still...

I just hope that I will be the kind of MIL that my mom is. She's understanding and is BIG on communication. That's something that SEVERELY lacks in MY relationship with my MIL.

I had to laugh about the hypothetical teen son/father...bc that's a conversation my mom had with my brother for years growing up. I joke and say I wish I could have my hypothetical son(s) get a vesectamy (sp?) when he hits puberty, and when he's a responsible adult, have it reversed, lol...I can hope, lol

And sadly, sometimes I fantasize about leaving her at the airport...or "playing dumb"...I am a blonde after all

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That's the other thing that burns my hide. The "I get the first hug". What?? I wouldn't dare pull a stunt like that on my dil. When we thought he was leaving, she wanted us to come after my husband got back. Nice but it would have been mid-tour. *I* told her no way girlfriend, your man will be home. LOL She's a sweetheart like that but I don't want her to regret saying 'come on over' and then be afraid to tell us no. Guess I'm her milspouse mentor. haha. We've had a lot of threads on here about homecoming madness. For us, it's our time and our kids time. I expect my son to want to see his wife and their new baby before me. I know where I reside in his heart and I'm not insecure about that at all. My other boys will get that speech too. I like the snip snip story. Maybe that will scare my new teen. The kinder one thinks I'm his #1 and his sil is his #2. Yes, he lurves his sil as only a 5 yo can get away with. It's too funny. I still have time to put some fear in him about that. Be blonde and leave her there. She'll NEVER pull that crap again, even if y'all get stationed in the town over from them. It takes a special kind of stupid to fly all that way like you're driving to Target.
MilSpouse Mod: General Discussion, Money, Coping with Deployment, Resources, Retirees

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That's great that he's trying to connect. He won't regret it. Sorry for coming on strong. As you can tell, I have been through something like this and I feel for my son for that loss (but my husband is dad and has been around forever). ....... My husband has had many years of 'wrangling' his mother. We're at the point where we call all visit shots. She is strange....not in a mean to us way, just strange. He's about had it though and she's about to lose us forever. She is an energy suck with NO life. I'm talking not even a book to read. Drives me bat chit crazy as my life is busy with kids and a deployed husband........ I am also now a mil and I don't get the stories I hear. It's crazy! They're all about people practically asdfjkl; on their kid and claiming them as property. I'm happy for my son and his wife. She's just what he needed. She and I get along as girlfriends. I don't interfere, we tell each other we love each other, we message on FB all the time and share jokes. I have fun with her! My husband gets on with mother and father as if he were their own son. I guess I learned from them...you let your 'kids' go and they will land where they do and with whomever they choose. ...... When I visited them o/s it was well planned out and I stayed elsewhere. I like my space. ....I don't buy into 'no one is good enough for my son/daughter'. That's crap. But I guess I'm not in the mil majority in this thinking (and my hypothetical teen son as father stance. I told him that as a teen too! LOL Don't get a girl pregnant or you WILL be working 2 jobs and going to every OB appt with her).
MilSpouse Mod: General Discussion, Money, Coping with Deployment, Resources, Retirees

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Is it wrong that I'm actually looking forward to a "I Stranded My Mil in Okinawa and I'm Cool With It" post? LOL
MilSpouse Mod: General Discussion, Money, Coping with Deployment, Resources, Retirees

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If they don't listen when y'all tell them then take action. Unexpected visits? Don't pick her up. Don't let them stay over. Get hard core with it. That's *their* fault for traveling like that with no plan. That's dumb on their part. But she'll continue as long as y'all let her in. You can't convince me that longer dating of over a month doesn't give you more insight into a person. Didn't say it can't last, just said it would have given you more food for thought about what you wanted for your future. Whatever happened with the child, he did not have to sign him away. He had rights as a father. She wasn't 30, she was 16 too. They all sound fubar'd. No way in hell would I let my minor son sign away rights to a child. Yet as an adult he's not gone to get his rights back. *Your* children do not have to call her anything that you don't want them to, however, they have a blood relation to her and need to be cordial as long as she is to them. Half siblings can have great relationships into adulthood when everyone else leaves them alone to do so. Yes, you mil is umm odd? He is the one who has to put his foot down or things will never change.
MilSpouse Mod: General Discussion, Money, Coping with Deployment, Resources, Retirees

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People will only do to you (two) what you (two) allow. Having said that, you married a mama's boy. That's the simple answer. If you'd dated him longer you might have seen that. Just being factual here. Addressing what you stated, puffy hearts not included: Who she's friends with is her business. You don't know the exact happenings of his past relationships. You know what HE told you. All of these 'long stories' are things that probably shed light on his character, such as signing away his kid. That's foul. The mother, you know, the one who stuck around for the job called 'parenting', can be anywhere around her child that she feels like. Maintaining family relations is good FOR THE CHILD. It's not about you and he has no say, remember? Sorry. I feel 0 empathy for people who do that to shuck re$ponsibilty. Adoption is one thing, leaving the child with the mother and bailing is crap. His family may not be wrapped too tight, but again, if you'd dated him longer than a month you would have been more informed and made better decisions for YOU.
MilSpouse Mod: General Discussion, Money, Coping with Deployment, Resources, Retirees

While the MIL is visiting I would just go about my regular life. If you have plans go and leave her home. If the plans are something she can be involved in invite her, but if she says no the a simple see you later works. She already doesn't like you so who cares if she goes home and complains about you leaving her at the house all the time. At least you can say you tried.

 

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ThatGirl wrote:
Is it wrong that I'm actually looking forward to a "I Stranded My Mil in Okinawa and I'm Cool With It" post? LOL
MilSpouse Mod: General Discussion, Money, Coping with Deployment, Resources, Retirees


I'm hoping for that, too! lol...

If anyone showed up at my door, unexpected, and thought they were going to stay 28 days, I would be so ticked. I can't even fathom the level of selfishness that woman has to do something like that.... twice! After the first trip (hindsight is always 20/20) I would have had a plan in place in case it ever happened again. Since you said you and your husband have talked to them several times, they can't blame you when you turn them/her away when she shows up announced.


www.wickedwitandwisdom.blogspot.com

Ditto what Valerie said. Your issue isn't your MIL, it's your husband refusing to "man up" and set boundaries with her. Until he stops acting like a doormat, she will continue walking all over you.

 
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