Gigya Leaderboard

(M-I-L)Worst experience YET!!!!!

Do not confront the MIL, she was talking to her son, I'm sure he is aware of her issues.  Focus on you and your husband and your life together in time she will she what a hard working wife he has.  Sometimes they jump to conclusion about you and not knowing who you are or what you are about.  Trust me I know I dealt with it for 15 years.

When I met hubby he lived with his parents and immediately moved me in.  His mom would not even look at me, not even say good morning when I would say it to her.  One night she called him out in the hall to ask him when I was leaving, he said to her mom, I love her she is the one and she makes me happy.  Than he said I suggest you get to know her because you will be surprise about the type of person she is and you will fall in love with her.  One day I was in the kitchen cooking for her son, prior to me coming into his life he woud order food for breakfast, lunch and dinner so when I came around I told him to stop wasting me we can get the same meals and cheaper.  So while in kitchen cooking she finally came in to talk to me and tell me what spices to use and our relationship began at that point, we did our hair and nails and watched movies together in fact when hubby and I were about to breakup she fought to keep us together.  Had I confronted her in the beginning about her attitude towards me it would have ruin the whole thing.  She said she thought I was just one of pretty girl looking to break her son heart.  Three years later I told her that her son and I were moving out to our own place she turned on me got really angry saying he was not ready hubby was 33 then LOL.  I told her we had spend years saving and are ready she was still angry, we moved any way and she would be the 1st to tell you her son changed for better after that move, he became more responsible and achieving goals.  Later when I talked to her I told her we had saved 12k to make sure that if we had a problem we be able to afford the apartment.  Sometimes you just have to let them vent because that is all that is, they no longer have control over their child and it hurts them so they take it out on us.  The worst thing you can do is be disrespectful.

You know the truth in time she will see it but right now there is nothing you can say that will change it or make any difference but she will see for herself.  She is just still trying to hold on to her little boy.  My husband at the time was 33 years old and his mom thought he was not ready to move out LOL

image

I got along with my mother in law until w lived with her for a month..i dont even think I made it a month to be honest..maybe 3 weeks... she has a very strong personality..and so do i... she has raised my step daughter the last few years, her mother just gave up on parenting and my husband was active duty with a SF unit..she treats my step daughter like she is her daughter..which is understandable..she raises the kid... however...my daughter is mine and i raise her i dont need to be forced to do something i do not see fit for my daughter...at first ti was "u shoudlnt wake her and then give her a bath she could die" ok no...or it was "u shoudlnt put her in her swing and let her fall asleep in it" the last straw was when she insisted, because jada loves eating her little baby hands, that she get a pacifier..and i was against it...its an unnecessary thing to have to break a child out of..my sister was a nightmare..and the only child in my family who had one..we got into a fight about it..and my husband thought we should just do it to "appease his mother because we were in her house" so i packed my and my daughters things and went to ym moms..and we stayed here for 3 months, til we could afford to move back in together...now his mother and i dont even talk...there have been times my daughters been sick and ive let his sister know..and no one asks him or me how she is doing...so the only peopel who have contact with jada are my step daughter and husband...as far as i am concerned his family doesnt really care about my daughter..theyd dint even show up to her christening...sooo yea.. thats a big thing for me...lol until soemone apologizes to me on her behalf, for their past actions...family functions will consist of my family lol


pretty much get used to the BS if its already starting...on a side nite i was stationed in hawaii for 2 years <3


I have a MIL so bad that my husband no longer speaks to her.  And what you describe is so similar to some stuff we've had to deal with (badmouthing, bullying, emotional abuse, and divisiveness) that I had DH pause his episode of 30 Rock and get HIS husband take on it   I never went behind his back, but he did keep some of the meaner stuff his mom sent quiet, just to protect me.  What DH says (from experience):  Tell your DH that you snooped.  That's the only way to have an honest marriage AND address the issue which is now the MIL-sized elephant in your life.  DH will feel a little violated, but if your Pandora snooping is a deal breaker in your relationship, then he's not worth it.   He probably knows his mom is nuts, but that constant drip-drip of poison about you will a) be hard to deal with solo, and b) give him niggling doubts.  She's trying to keep you guys from building a life, starting with nixing a honeymoon experience (my MIL discouraged grandchildren).  He's going to have to let you know that he is going to choose YOU, no matter how hard she make it.  United front.  Buuuutttt.... you just can't ask him to CHOOSE between you -- he's got to come to that realization himself.  It may take a while.  You can call Milspouse for counseling to help you navigate this.  And as for the rest of the family hearing all her meanness, you don't have to say a word.  Your actions regarding them are going to speak for themselves (and longtime family members probably have your MIL's number).  Good luck from DH and I!  

I know how you feel my MIL is the same way but it will only cause issues between you and your hubby if you say something to your MIL. I had a similar issue with my MIL*she told my husband that I cheated on him and that our first child wasn't his. I'll give you a laugh, first the baby was my best friend(who is a female), then it was DH's cousin who was in Iraq at the same time as my DH and I've never met the cousin*  My best suggestion is to ignore what your MIL says, you and your hubby know what's going on. If it continues talk to your hubby about it and ask him to ask his mom to back off.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.


Proud Army brat and wife

I hate to say this but it's the honest to God truth, you're never gonna be good enough for her prince. My mother inlaw get's upset if I don't do what SHE wants me to do but I don't care, I lived with her for 2 months and she made me cry a lot. It's best to let your hubby deal with it on his own otherwise he will be upset you snooped. If he let's her walk all over you than put your foot down but as Mags previously stated unless he's said something to you don't put to much emphasis on it, mothers will be jealous. I'd just prove to her that your an adult and don't start arguments like she's trying to do, you both are married and she has no clue what your finances look like.


So sorry to tell you sweetie, but you need to be a duck! When I say that I mean let it roll off your back like a duck does water. My hubby & I have been together for over 12 years and married for over 10. Mine was injured in Afghanistan and my in-laws were even worse than I imagined. They even tried to over rule me in the hospital and came very close to being kicked out of the hospital, which is very hard to do. My hubby once said you have to remember I chose you. My mom is mad because I grew up and am on my own. As a mother now I understand a little better. It doesn't make it right, but it's easier to let it slide off now. You took her baby boy away and so did the mean old Army. You are the target for her frustration because she can't go after the Army. Take her with a grain of salt and move on. I know how hard it is and it gets way worse. One day I stood up to my MIL and Sister in law. I held up my ring and said, "I have the ring, he chose me and there's not a damn thing you can do about it." He then told them if they ever mistreated me again he would never ever come back home. They did so we haven't been back there in over 4 years. Hang in there!

Actually, your mother inlaw seems pretty tame to some of them that I have heard about and my own for that matter.  Snooping is always bad--you find out things you didnt want to hear.  Your husband probably knows that his mother is jealous of you, but the only real problem I see with this is if your husband starts to take her side of yours--in other words, if your husband starts to let his mother get inbetween the two of you, then you have a problem.  The thing is, if you plan on staying with your husband, this woman is going to be part of your life, and you are going to have to learn to get along with her.  I am not going to say that you are going to like it, but sometimes taking the high road is better than wallowing.  Try to understand that she is jealous and a probably concerned about her son.

 

The other problem with snooping is you cant really say anything about what you have read because you werent supposed to read it.  Your husband knows you work two jobs.  Unless he brings it up himself and says something there is really not much you can say.  You might try to get to know her a better.  If she doesnt know the half of what is going on, maybe if you give her a little bit more information, it would make her feel more comfortable with you and you with her.


I don't think its wrong that you "snooped".  I've done the same thing when my husband was deployed.  He gave me his facebook information and I used it.  We're married we have nothing to hide from each other.  If his family had an issue with me or were bad mouthing me I'd wanna know it!  Good luck with you situation!

I believe I have the worst In Laws anyone can ever have. While my husband and I were dating they were cool at first. Than the day we tired the knot O-M-G psycho.. While he was single he has the only one who has support his parents. My MIL has kidney disease and his father his HIV yes I said it right. He basically asdfjkl; around on his wife and stuff. In the meanwhile after kicking it in the head telling him explaining he has his family of his own. Back while we were dating my son got nervous in new surrounding because he wasnt use to their screaming, slamming doors, throwing a asdfjkl; fit, and etc. My son had accident he peed during the night mention my son was barely 2 at this time. I notice they became snotty and two faced they talk about everyone in the family. In a negative matter. We finally PCS to Fort Gordon Ga, his mother had the nerve curse me out told her she was going to come to our base housing and kick my ass. This is the woman who is so sick and crap that cant support herself I became pregnant with baby #3 my first two kids are from my previous marriage. They try to be nice and kiss my ass and crap. Wtf ever, they try to be civil and everything and etc. Ok my husband came on orders to Afghanistan and etc, I even try to live with these people while my husband was deployed, ooh that was the worst crap ever asdfjkl; that crap. I was sleeping on the sofa one night I heard psycho sister in law stating crap that he doesn't love her and she is only with her cause of the baby knowing I was on the sofa. She would try to start crap on purpose. Of course I told my husband and he couldn't believe his sister said these things. So i left back to Ft Gordon, Ga. Meanwhile I stop talking to my in laws during the deployment and crap, they started more drama and mess. His mom goes into the hospital i show no sympathy for the woman, My husband ETS out of the Army we try to live with them after the mess was settled for awhile, well his parents told them to divorce me and etc, they told him how they take care of the baby and etc. They would manipulate them and etc, they would say mess. Sister in law would start her mess saying people dont clean up and she would try to control the household and etc. Find out his dad had a drug problem. So my husband determine his dad had a serious problem I left back to Texas, my husband went into the Reserves and was offer a job as DoD Contractor in Afghanistan, his family got asdfjkl; because he bought me a car, we bought alot of thing for the kids and etc. His sister in law and father in law call DFCS on me Department Family Child Services on me and etc. Just so i wouldnt take my baby, well they felt like douche bags because I was already in Texas and etc. His family cause me nothing but hell they use my husband for money and etc. We no longer talk to them people.
Cynthia Jordon's Profile

Your MIL is obviously feeling a little threatened by your relationship with her son.  She's probably also feeling that her time with him is going to be threatened too.  My MIL did the same thing on my DH's first deployment.  I worked too.  And made more money than my DH, by a lot.  /WorkArea/threadeddisc/emoticons/happy.png

 

Get this, we went on vacation for his R&R and my In Laws "surprise" showed up... in a different country!!! Yes, I'm serious.  I think I should write a book...

 

Badmouthing and all, we've been happily married for 7 years and 3 deployments.  In part because I do not approach his parents when they're being crazy.  That's my husbands realtionship with his parents.  I don't touch it.  Communicate with and support your husband.  Ignore the MIL best you can. Remember why you married him (it obviously wasn't for his mom) and remind him why he married you.

 

If your MIL is the only one giving your husband a hard time while he's away and you're the supportive happy (non-complaining one) who do you think he's going to be happiest to see when he gets home? Seriously.  I have tested this theory for several years now.  Works every time.

Girl. One of the reasons I divorced by first husband was because I got tired of being told I was not good enough by his mother. Treated our two children like they were from the wrong side of the tracks. She would spend hundreds on her other grandkids and buy our two a cheap five dollar gift.

Second marriage and I get along with his family, but they are stuck on money. His grandmother died and he went with my neighbor to pick up a few things they were supposed to be ours. Well he and our friend ended up spending the entire day dragging boxes to different storage units as the others fought over stuff they THOUGHT was expensive. They forced him to bring ME the worst looking couch. Too heavy for them to mess with so they insisted I would love it. I finally sold it in a garage sale for $30. They made him bring home his grandmothers bed, which she died in because it was expense$$$$. GROSS it is 16 years old, she died in it. It was one of those OLD electric beds, takes 4 guys to move. Does not stay up and is OLD and she died in it. Tossed out the head board and 5 year old queen bed we had because his grandmothers bed was $$$$$. Brought home pictures to hang on our walls because the relatives told him they were expense. YEA right, stamped prints from Hobby Lobby is NOT expenses. I refused to take down our insured art work and replaced them with plastic frame from Wal-Mart and Hobby Lobby. His family is loaded, millions and they send him home with the trash they did not want. I laugh about it but it made me mad that they force him to work in the heat and then had him drag all this crap home 5 hours for me to throw away.

 

If your husband is not saying anything to you he may just be letting her vent.

 


Kari

image
When it comes to dealing with the in-laws, I think Dr. Phil has the best advice. It's his family so HE should deal with them. When my mom is butting in, then I deal with her. Everyone has issues with the other one's family at some point, so it's good that you're getting it over with and setting the ground rules early Just wait until you have kids and the MIL second guesses everything you do, invites only her son over (without you and the kids), or plays favorites with the grandkids. After 18 years of marriage, we've seen it all and heard it all. My best advice is to 1) always deal with issues as they come up, don't let them fester to where you blow up and start dredging up things that happened in the past, and 2) be diplomatic and fair - the in-laws don't always know they're doing something wrong. My mother in law stayed at our house during our one-night honeymoon and unwrapped all of our wedding gifts because she thought she was helping us out. Bless her heart. Good luck!
Want to work at home, have a flexible schedule, and a portable career? Get free info about becoming a Military Spouse Virtual Assistant at http://www.militaryspouseva.com

ok so here's the story: my husband and i got married in january, he left two days after the wedding for training in cali and came home(to indiana) in march for 2 weeks before he got deployed. I stayed in indiana(he's in hawaii) while he did all that so i could finish school. so here i am waiting until the end of deployment to pack up and move to hawaii so im there and settled when he returns in march(ish). if you figured it up, we've physically been together a TOTAL of 16 days since we got married, he comes home in dec for r&r and let me tell you!! it's already HELL!! for other reasons, i had to get on my husbands facebook with his permission.... well without his permission i snooped into his messages from his mother bc my brother in law told me a couple months ago that she had been bad mouthing me around the house to all of his family... to see what was up i read through the messages and only read where i saw my name and I'VE HAD IT!!!! i work 2 jobs and work a minimum of 6 days a week and im 21 years old. im done with school until i move so i work to keep myself busy. i dont go out with friends, and when i have a free day i go shopping bc it relieves stress, i may not even buy anything but i still go to enjoy myself. i work a ton of hours and dont have much in bills so i obviously have money left. my husband and i still have our money separate but i have access to his account for emergencies. so anyway she has the nerve to tell him that she doesn't think we need to go on vacation/our honeymoon when he comes home on r&r bc we need to save money bc im a shopping addict and im spending all of HIS money while he's gone!! then she says we need to quit talking to each other while he's there bc she's sure thats costing too much! and then saying that she already knows that we're going to spending time together while he's home and im gonna keep him from seeing her!!! oh my god i want to approach her (in the nicest way possible) and tell her that she needs to butt out bc she doesn't even know HALF of what's going on. uuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so frustrated!!! HEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!  


Male spouses have the same issues with In-Laws.  My success has been to stay out of arguments.  I let my wife handle her Mom and Sister unless directly confronted which hasn't happened in years.  Kill them with kindness.


Paul Retired USAF, Husband, Dad of two. Civil Air Patrol Volunteer http://www.ilgp1.org/ Buisness Owner

I think every wife has mother-in-law issues. Recently I had to send mine an email telling her to give us our space. Ever since my husband joined the military she has been very clingy. We moved to CA for his training & we weren't there for a month & she rented a condo for an entire month there. She was constantly calling us & didn't understand why we didn't want to spend every day with her while she was "vacationing." My husband did tell her that I was his priority & we needed our time, too, but she still didn't get it, so I sent her an email letting her know that we're adults & need our space (especially with a little one on the way). We recently moved & she has already invited herself here right before Christmas, but since the email I have a feeling that will be put on hold. It is so hard, as wives, to understand that there was once some other woman who had 100% of their hearts & I think it's even harder as mom's for them to understand they are no longer that woman. My suggestion to you is to talk to your husband about the possibility of her talking behind your back in her home (you heard it from his brother, so that has nothing to do with her emails). Explain that you are trying to understand why she would do such a thing & that it makes you uncomfortable & you feel it's his place to do something about it. Ask him if she ever says anything to him (I don't know your relationship, but be prepared for him to tell you no just to prevent confrontation). My husband and I argued quite a bit about his mom & it wasn't fair to either of us, so I knew I had to put an end to it. Now, another fact about my husband's family is that nobody ever tells his mom "no" hence the reason I had to send the email. If I wanted something to happen I knew I had to do it. It's the way my husband was raised and I don't think I'm going to be the one who can change it. He has his way of sticking up for me, but he is not confrontational (especially towards his mom). Again, I don't know the relationship you have with your husband, but I have all of my husband's log-in info, so he wouldn't be at all surprised if I read an email. I don't snoop, I always have a reason for logging into his email or facebook, but you could also be honest and tell him you couldn't help yourself & admit you wish you hadn't read the message. I think that email will eat you alive. I know I couldn't just sit on it, but be prepared to hear things you don't want to or, just as bad, not be satisfied with his decision about confronting her. If your husband felt strongly about what his mom said about vacationing, he would have discussed cancelling the trip with you, I think & if he doesn't, I think he's just blowing off the email knowing she's crazy. I'm sure your husband knows you're working tons of hours & have your own money to spend. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but if she aggravates you, I would have a conversation now before it escalates into something worse like it did for me. Good luck! I hope you find satisfaction in your decision.

Absolutley agree with Pat, and I have 15 years of marriage to prove it!!! Stay strong and ignore the MIL...speak understanding to your husband about her and let him see all her flows for himself...he will, and you will be the breath of fresh desire! I also agree with the first respond post, that is a son and mother relationship--it's special; it should be no competition, but sometimes it is for the mom.  Don't invade that privacy between them.  It's not worth it. 

 

 

I'm not a military MIL (yet).  But, I could have been two months ago.  Keep in mind that parents on both sides only want you and your boyfriend/spouse to be happy.  You might think your MIL or FIL is interfering in your life.  If you have an emergency or need money...you might need MIL or FIL.  Be as pleasant as you can to your extended family.  Some day you're going to need these people (whether or not you can claim you like them). 

LSIArmy wrote:

Your MIL is obviously feeling a little threatened by your relationship with her son.  She's probably also feeling that her time with him is going to be threatened too.  My MIL did the same thing on my DH's first deployment.  I worked too.  And made more money than my DH, by a lot.  /WorkArea/threadeddisc/emoticons/happy.png

 

Get this, we went on vacation for his R&R and my In Laws "surprise" showed up... in a different country!!! Yes, I'm serious.  I think I should write a book...

 

Badmouthing and all, we've been happily married for 7 years and 3 deployments.  In part because I do not approach his parents when they're being crazy.  That's my husbands realtionship with his parents.  I don't touch it.  Communicate with and support your husband.  Ignore the MIL best you can. Remember why you married him (it obviously wasn't for his mom) and remind him why he married you.

 

If your MIL is the only one giving your husband a hard time while he's away and you're the supportive happy (non-complaining one) who do you think he's going to be happiest to see when he gets home? Seriously.  I have tested this theory for several years now.  Works every time.

Very well said. 

image

While I understand your frustration, you shouldn't have snooped.  Those were personal e-mails between a mother and son.  That is a complete violation of trust and privacy.

 

Now besides that, I think that if he felt you had a spending problem he would have addressed it with you already.  If he hasn't I wouldn't be too overly concerned.  It looks to me like he is probably letting his mom voice her concerns, but he knows the real you and knows you aren't taking advantage of him.  If there is a problem with her talking about you behind your back HE needs to be the one to address it, not you.  Calling her out on information you discovered while snooping in her sons e-mail will do nothing but give her more ammo against you.

 

 


 I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  It's just really none of her business how you spend money unless she's supporting you.  I agree with some of the previous posters.  Its your husband's responsibility to tell her to back off.  I am currently not on speaking terms with my inlaws because she took advantage of his deployment and my pregnancy to start insulting me.  I told my husband what happened and that I was not dealing with her.  Its his responsibility.  He agreed and supports me 100%.  I don't discuss her with him.  She is more than welcome to spend time with her grandchildren but chooses not to.  He knows this and is disappointed in her behavior.  When he gets home it will all be addressed on his terms.  I will stay out of it completely.  As long as you and your husband are honest and open with each other about what you expect concerning finances and time together than she doesn't have a leg to stand on.  She's just making herself look worse.  Don't give her ammunition. 

I wish you the best.  As aggravating as she is, try to maintain your composure.  You will come out on top. 

 
Q: Dear Sally: I was dumped over a promotion!

A: Dear Sally, My friend dumped me because my husband was promoted and hers was not, how do I deal with this? -- Rank Ruined Friendship Dear Rank... Read more.

Q: Nervous about Nookie after Deployment?

A: My husband comes home from his first deployment soon. We have only been married a little over a year and he has been deployed most of that time.... Read more.

Q: Worried about OPSEC?

A: My husband is deployed and they are scheduled to be coming home soon. I keep seeing other spouses in the unit posting stuff like dates and locatio... Read more.

Q: Are You Slowly Going Insane in Base Housing?

A: I know lots of people who hate base housing, but I really like living on base. Well, I did until my new neighbors moved in... they are driving me... Read more.

Q: Should we consider geo-baching?

A: At what point should we let our kids have a say in whether or not we accompany their dad on his next PCS? Our children, ages 15 and 17, have really... Read more.

 
  • Follow us
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Google +