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what to do..what to do?!?!?!

I haven't read other posts, so I don't know the whole history with your MIL and you, but I think to some extent you should try to suck it up and be the bigger person. Like it or not your married to her son and your stuck dealing with her forever now, so why not try and make the best of things? As for the r&r You as his wife, DO come first but that doesn't mean that you are the only one who loves/misses him. Are you willing to at least spend some time around his family? Maybe you could get a hotel or something in his hometown so he can still see people but you two can have some alone time in the evenings as well?

You guys realize that the military will fly him wherever you want him to go right?  If you have such a huge problem with his mom, DON'T GO THERE.  Oh, and don't tell them when and where his leave is going to be.  My idiot-in-laws actually tried to come out to where my wife took her leave last time.  This time around, we didn't tell them where and when her leave is until last week.  Plus, we're heading overseas, and those white trash rednecks don't have passports.  

Tell him you don't want to waste the limited amount of time you have with him, and he should come home, without telling his mother when he'll be back.  You'll be a lot happier.


I'm going to be honest, I would be pretty irate about that. I guess it is admirable if you're able to be the bigger person, but I think it's better to address the problem now versus going along with it for the rest of your life... that's not healthy for anyone involved. I agree that your husband really needs to address this with his mother. Tell him honestly how it makes you feel that she said that (without getting angry!) and figure out a solution to it that you both feel is appropriate. Ultimately, he should be the one approaching her, but I also feel like you should be able to communicate your feelings with her in a civil, respectful way versus just smiling and acting like it's no big deal. You're now her family, after all. Good luck!




 Sorry that your MIL is such an insensitive, selfish witch. You do need to say something to your hubby, but believe me when I say he needs to put her in her place. If he never stands up to her, she will continue on this path. If he lets her know that you are his family and his priority is you, she will back down and be grateful for any amount of time she gets with him. If he doesn't take a stand, she will continue to control him and your relationship will be doomed.

 That is crazy!! He needs to set her straight. And I would not put on a fake front for her. Be civil and that is it. But he really needs to step up and explain things to her and stay by your side. He needs to explain to her that if she wants a relationship with him, then she needs to accept that you are part of the deal.  If it was me, anything less would be unacceptable.

 I absolutely agree that your husband needs to set limits for her. I also think that he needs to include you in that "come to Jesus" conversation. A man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. It is Biblical that your husband cleaves to you and not his family first. YOU are his first family not just the addition to the family. Now that you know that he has made HIS decision you should trust him to call a meeting with his mother and you. It is appropriate for him to let her know her place in your marriage is only as a support system and if she doesn't respect his choice to marry you then she obviously doesn't respect HIM.

 Why would he want to be with them when he can be having reunion sex with you?

The whole thing is ridiculous.

If it were me I'd make sure to talk to him about it when both of you are very calm because the 'Your Mom' topic is usually a touchy issue.

If the two of you don't agree and things are getting heated, back off and take another go another day.

so here's the issue.. if you've read my previous posts you'll know my mil pretty much does not accept the fact that my husband is married... so here's the latest... she tell my husband that when he comes home on r&r, he needs to realize that his family and friends need to come first, NOT HIS WIFE!!! are you kidding me?!?!?!?!?! she said that soon enough when he get home from deployment that we'll have plenty of time to spend wit each other and right now he needs to concentrate on spending time with her and his friends (not even his dad bc they are divorced) im so irritated i cannot even stand to look at her!!! what should i do when he get home... i have no desire to see her or spend time with her bc i know she'll be as fake as can be... i feel bad bc obviously he's going to want to see his family which im fine with but i am so irritated right now!!!! 

Thanks for everything guys!!! It's just so irritating that now I have to be with her while he's home when I know what she's been saying!! I understand everyone misses him and I'm COMPLETELY fine with him spending time with them! I would never tell him to choose me over his family!! But I'm not trying to talk about it while he's over there so it will be the first thing brought up after we have time to ourselves the first night.. He knows what's been going on but we haven't discussed it yet. When he found out what she was saying.. He decided that he wasn't going to tell his family when he was coming on r&r so we could have time to ourselves without everyone pulling for his attention. I am greatful for that decision HE made. We never had a honeymoon since he left two days after the wedding so we're going on vacation the first night. Then everyone will find out he's home when we get into town when we get back

ok so i have some good news! (other than the fact that my  hubby's r&r is over in just a couple days ) but anyway, his mother has been pretty calm the entire time. she finally told him that she realizes hes married now and she now sees thats i as his wife will always be his priority! FINALLY.. so we've been visiting with her and everything has been fine until this morning and she decided she wanted to get crappy about us "not spending time with her" boo freaking hoo!!! we've spent time with her but also we went on vacation for a week so she can suck it up... so anyway i find out today that she told a family member of mine (who she didn't know was my family.. HA!!) and said that im a b***h and that all im doing is manipulating him and keeping him away from his family! wow! just as i thought is was all calming down... even my husband is fed up with it.. he said tomorrow hes going out with him mom for lunch to tell her if she keeps acting the way she is, thats going to keep him from coming home in the future! we'll see how this goes.... an update will be on her tomorrow!  

I haven't read your previous posts but if my MIL said that to my husband, he would say, "Okay, then I guess I won't be seeing you while I'm home."

Like I said, I don't know how your husband has responded to her in the past when it comes to her dislike of you, but he needs to handle it because it's his mom and he needs to stick up for you sooner or later. Maybe if he makes the choice to spend time with you instead of her during his R&R she might start to get the picture that you're not going anywhere and you're his first priority (and I hope both those things are true!).

have you talked to your husband about what he wants to do? maybe you could stay at home while he visits with his family for a day or two or maybe you could go with him if you can keep a smile on your face which i know can be tough has your hubby tried to talk to her about things yet? he needs to set her straight and tell her to stop putting him in the middle of everything good luck 

Yes, I agree that your husband needs to handle the situation, but you need to be patient and give him enough time to come to terms. It won’t be solved overnight. It took my MIL several years to realize that she was not in charge of buying my husband socks and underwear any longer. Your husband has a lot of things in his mind, and he needs to sort thing out his way. Don’t put all the pressure on him. He will do it when he thinks the time is right. You have not been married very long, so now the priority is to be supportive of him, and to make him feel welcomed. Your time to be vindicated will come later. Don’t let your emotions start a war that will go on for years.

It is your husband's job to set appropriate limits with his mother. That means making it clear in no uncertain terms that if she cannot treat his wife with respect and treat her as family, he will NOT be visiting her. Of course he wants to see his family. But he needs to see them on terms that don't involve bowing to ridiculous unreasonable demands from his mother. I cannot imagine circumstances under which my husband would accept an edict from his mother that he should forget about spending time with me on his R&R! What he'd say to that is not printable, but trust me, she'd be put in her place.

 Joe, I LOVE your post!  LOL.  I have a similar situation so we were trying to move overseas because I knew they'd never get over there!! Hahaha. 

No, but seriously, your husband has to take the stand.  Either he wants to put them first, which is a bad sign, or he wants to be with his wife (and have reunion sex).  Which is it?

My husband told my MIL to stay away when he got home because she ignored me for most of the deployment when I really needed help.  She and I had it out because she ignored my children too.  Now she's all about them when he's home (two-faced).  So she did not come to his homecoming.  We had time alone and finally he went over to her house the next day to visit briefly.  We have not seen them since.  Needless to say, he knows what's most important.  I support him and take care of everything including our children when he's gone.  His mother hasn't done jack since he was in middle school. 

She'll never disown him but we both know now where she stands.  Good luck!

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