big issue with a brother in law... not sure what to do...
Been there, done that. My issues are with my MIL. She sent a nasty email as I was getting a D&C and that was the last straw. I sent her a nastygram back and that was the end of it. No more FB, no more calls, no more anything. I never really told my husband about anything before that because I didn't want him to be stuck in the middle but I did at that point. He agreed that she has no right treating me the way she does. When he talked to her he said that if she has anything to say to me she can tell him. After a few months we "made up" and now we speak on the phone occasionally. They are coming up next month for 10 days and I am leaving for 6 of them. That way she gets to spend time with my husband and son and we won't rip each other's throats out.
Krys - Well I will say this. My hubby and I have had to discuss what to do about our kids and my mother. My sister is dealing with that right now with our mother and her in-laws. For us it's more, if my mother is willing to treat me, her own daughter, that way how long before she starts treating my children that way. Plus, what kind of example is she going to be to our children, when they see how she treats me, because in the end I will have to let her back in to our lives and she will go back to treating the way she did before. When it comes to people like my mother, a narcissist, it's like a poison and eventually it effects everyone around them. Our rule is until she can treat my hubby and I properly, she doesn't deserve to be near my children. They will know who she is, but until she shapes up that's all.
Coastiewife- I'm totally with you with the deleting numbers and blocking facebook! I had to go as far as to change my email and block text message. I still haven't figured out how to block calls, but so far I haven't needed to. It just amazes why people think they can treat others however they like, especially family!
My experience is a little different, but mainly because it was my side of the family treating me this way and not my in-laws. My mother and sister treated me that way, to be honest, most of my life. I never did anything right, it was always my fault, I was never good enough, etc, and the mental and emotional abuse took a toll on me. It finally got to the point where I couldn’t keep how they were treating from not affecting every other aspect of my life. It got me kicked out of school, put a strain on my marriage (we had only been married a year at the time), made me question myself and put me into a depression. My husband hated they way they treated me and pointed out that I didn't deserve to be treated this way and that if they wouldn’t at least attempt to treat me like I deserved, then they didn’t deserve to have me in their lives. I told them this and over the next year my relationship with my sister got better, but I had to stop speaking to my mother. I gave my mother a second chance and she lasted one month before I had to cut her off again. That was two years ago. It was hard and it sounds harsh, but I have never been so stress free and happy in my life. So I guess the question is, what is your relationship with them worth to you and to your hubby? Are they worth the heart ache they are putting you through? How does your hubby feel about how they are treating you?
I'm SO glad you posted this Krys! I'm having big issues with my inlaws right now as well, like as early as last week. Unfortunately I've decided to delete their numbers and from my facebook to avoid the drama. For some reason they've always had an issue with me, and this incident just left me not wanting anything to do with them. I asked my brother in law to ride with me to the navy base to drop off my husband whose ship is stationed over there for repairs right now and he said Sorry can my sister take my spot? I asked How come you cant go? (He doesn't have a job and isn't actively searching, plus has two kids, great person huh?) Then I asked Are you going to our hometown to waste gas again? That's what he does everyday. He comes back with a text saying Don't talk to me and quit texting me. Wth, then his baby mama (Who also isn't working) butts in and says We don't need your crap in this family, and you treat your husband like crap. Excuse me?! I know I don't, I cook full meals, always clean the apartment, plus I work everyday but two days a week, go to school to finish my degree full time, oh and I'm also 11 weeks pregnant with our first. Sorry this is so long but any comments are welcome! I have told hubby and he says do what I think will keep me from being stressed.
I come from a dysfunctional family (have no relationship with my mother), and loved DH's family even when they treated DH terribly all the time. We just could never please them -- and we are college-educated, church-going, respectful people with lots of great friends. I eventually realized that DH and I were so alike bc we'd both come from super-dysfunction. By then DH's family were so abusive and stressful -- nasty texts, emails, voicemails, the works -- I almost miscarried, and then baby came preemie. DH had enough and blocked them after his brother threatened to kill us for "disobeying the family". No joke. As we have rediscovered peace, we've realized how smothered and beseiged we felt. Our life is sooooo much better without them in it.
My best pieces of advice are to call either the chaplain or Military One Source NOW and get free counseling set up. DH was very very resistant, but it was a huge help -- dealing with family is so ingrained, and there's lots of guilt, and fear, etc. He's thanked me profusely for "twisting his arm" to go.
Second, if at all possible, let DH handle the family. That way, the worst they can truthfully say about you is "boo, she doesn't like us and ignores us" rather than an ugly, angry litany of she said/she said. You set your boundaries with DH, and let him convey boundaries to his family as if they were his own edicts. No matter how passive, DH can say "Nephew has run out of chances. You entrusted us to care for him, then undermined us. He is not moving back to my home, and he owes me and wife apology." Good practice for united-parenting of your son later As for granny visiting toddler, make those visits in public places and prepare son to leave after few minutes (if Granny behaves, you can allow son to stay longer, but that way he's not so upset if you do have to leave). Chin up, you will survive if you can keep your actions focused on whats best for your son.
I'm glad glad glad your DH is supportive!!!!! Way to go for him!!!! (of course they still blame you, that's sad, but the point is, you can sleep righteously) And it sounds like you've got all the right boundaries laid out well -- granny is tolerated as long as she is civil, and no weed around your child, period. Good Lord, don't they realize that your child might get taken away from you and DH if weed was found in your home or if you had a criminal living with you?? I guess you can chalk granny's poor behavior up to her one big flaw and allow grace for that. (though yeah, it would make me mad too!) Maybe brother in law will grow up someday and your good influence won't be wasted. In the meantime, it might be helpful to resign/steel yourself to it getting much worse before it gets better. Troublemakers generally have to hit rock bottom before changing. DH's family is a secondary family to your nuclear one with DH and kids -- when they take too much energy from your nuclear family, you limit them as needed. You've got your head on straight and you'll be fine.
the computer just deleted everything i typed... so ill try to make it super short im having issues with my brother in law this is the second time i have let him come stay with me and tried to help him out he is 17 and disrespectful towards me he ended up leaving after i asked him to do something to stay with his grandmother (i wasnt told anything when he left he just called her and left) he came to pick up his stuff and left papers all in my flood i found out that he had left the job anouncment numbers he was supposed to call about so i asked memaw if he needed them cause he wasnt there at the time and she called tonight and asked for them so i sent her a text with them and he then texts me and asked why i didnt just send them to him in a rude kind of way so i told him that memaw asked for them so i sent them to her and didnt think about sending them to him and then forwarded him the other message i sent her so he would have them to then he sends another text and says i already have the numbers i need to know which one is for which and i replied that the numbers are all he needs cause they are each job has a different vacancy number and the same phone number he replied and said i know they have different ones i need to know which one is which (i was on the phone at this time so i didnt reply quick enough for him liking) he then again replied quickly after i have the numbers i need to know which one is for the ccashier and which one is for the park and after this i reply look im on the freaking phone and i dont like youre attitude in the first place you need to learn to treat me with respect a please and thank you would do you some good and this is what he exactly what he said to me "you need to get your head out of your ass who the asdfjkl; do you think you are talking to me like you own me? your not my family your not my sister your nothing to me but my big brothers mistake i dont know who you think you are but you need to quit acting like your some kind of asdfjkl; queen your no better then anyone else in the world you need to check yourself that would do you some good" so i sent the grandmother what he needed cause i do not want to deal with it by that point and i call her to let her know what the text is for and she starts jumping on me saying its not everyone elses fault that no one can get along with me its my fault that nobody likes me and that shes tired of dealing with it and a bunch of other stuff that wasnt very nice and really upset me so i tell her that i just wanted to make sure he got that and that i didnt want to keep fighting so i left it alone and said bye and got off the phone and then brust out into tears cause ive done so much for his brother and didnt deserve that at all i have taken him everywhere he has needed to go made sure he had food and a phone and everything else he needed while he stayed her and for her to say those things to me after everything i did for him was just hurtful as well cause ive helped her out too last time this happened (last time he stayed here) she came in my house and yelled at me and i ended up saying sorry to keep the peace in the family i dont think i should be the one to do this yet again its just bull crap i plan to talk to the hubby about it but im really really honestly upset that he said those things and that she said what she said too has anyone been through something like this anyone have any advice.... im ready to call it quits and ignore phone calls and texts but i dont think that is a great plan either...
for me i couldnt care less whether or not they are in my life i have cut off my mom for 5 and a half months before cause of the way she treated me and she told me i didnt know how to raise my son my hubby was tired of it and hated the way she treated me so it did her some good to realize she didnt have to be a part of my life and this time around i dont know what to do cause its his family he already got asdfjkl; off last time his brother was a jerk to me but with the grandmother its different i dont know why... but im standing my ground until i figure out what to do and i REFUSE to apologize this time around cause of what happened last time and i REFUSE to let that kid come back here to my house so if things start going wrong with the grandmothers husband (last time he was there he ended up at the neighbors cause the husband doesnt like how lazy he is) he can go back home to his parents or whatever cause ive already told the hubby im not doing it again when he said he was sorry for last time and this time would be better i believed him and at first it was true and i enjoyed having him here but then it always gets worse and i have no help with him so i talk to the grandma then she throws it up in my face.... i just dont know anymore im so frustrated with it all the worst part is our two year old son loves the grandmother and the uncle and i dont want to "punish" him by not being around the family... to be honest i cant wait for the pcs that we should get by the end of the year the further away the better but again that never solves the problem im just hoping the hubby has some imput and says something to them but i doubt it he is so passive too.... but i dont want to keep getting hurt by these people cause those were really hurtful words that they both said to me... im just so tired of being hurt for no reason cause i was in the right the kid needs to learn to say please and thank you and be nice instead of pushy i cant wait until he joins the army maybe they will kick his ass into shape
thanks i told the hubby that im not going to be around his brother and he is fine with it he even plans to come home and not tell them he is here (his choice not mine) which i told him that is ok with me i wish the grandmother could see that i have very valid points and yeah thats the big reasons he had to go last time i am NOT going to lose my son over anything if i can help it let alone a 17 year old who is being immature but its her flaw not mine i know where i stand and im not moving this time and he will NOT be allowed in my house until he apologizes
thanks =D right now im on a speak when absolutely necessary with memaw which is just what we call the grandmother and on no speaking terms with the brother in law and it will stay that way until he says he is sorry for saying those things to me and if it is ten years or ten days i will be just fine with it i will not be treated like that by a child i dont have if there is only four years between our ages but if he acts like a child he is still a child so when he grows up maybe he can be around us and not try to start issues but until then im done with him and the hubby knows it and hes fine with it too
right now i am on no speaking terms with the brother in law and the hubby didnt want to know what he said he said whatever it was is bad enough to upset me thats all he needed to know and that he is ok with him not being allowed back here if needs a place to stay i tried twice and im done with it this is my house and just cause his brother pays the bills doesnt mean he can run all over me and not help out my husband leaves it all up to me cause he knows this is home for us not him right now if he was home it would be a little different but since he isnt i make all the choices cause thats the way he wants it it makes life difficult for me cause they always blame me for that and then when my husband steps in its oh she said it and he doesnt call anyone but me and i never hear the end of that either but its his choice who he calls... not mine as for the grandmother in law i will take my son and drop him off or let her come pick him up she keeps calling to "check in" on us and im nice and i get off the phone as soon as i can and that is the way it will be from now until she says she is sorry for the way she treated me and if she EVER does it in front of my son she will be cut off i cut my mom off before cause of her treating me badly in front of my son i will not tolerate anyone talking down to me in front of my children but i hope it doesnt come down to that because he loves his "gaga" as he calls her and asks everyday to go see her cause we usually get along well unless it comes down to the brother in law she ALWAYS takes his side and says nasty things in the midst of it even if he is at fault like the last time he was here he was told no drinking and no smoking (weed) in our home that was rule number one and he brought it into my home and left it out so my son could grab it so he ended up getting kicked out but instead of dealing with him about it she yells at me for it and i only let him come back this time cause he was trying to keep his life straight he stopped smoking and drinking and i can honestly say that it wasnt in my house this time and that i dont think he went back to his old ways with that but still being disrepectful to me is bad enough i dont understand her way of thinking about him i understand he went through a lot as a child but it doesnt give him an excuse to treat me badly after everything i have done for him i have treated him like a brother for years now and for him to say i wasnt his sister cut me deeply as well as calling me his brothers mistake but hands down the sister thing is more hurtful and even thinking about it makes me cry... i have done nothing but try with his family and im sick of being the only one saying sorry im just so ready to move and be away from EVERYONE in both sides of the family and to be honest if the husband said tomorrow lets stop talking to everyone i would just so i wouldnt have to deal with his family they really hurt me thanks for the support and im trying to not care and just let it go but i dont know how.... when they wont make any changes when i have done everything i can to.... i dont know i just feel like giving up
I think your Brother in law is a spoiled brat and you should not let ANYONE talk to you and treat u that way. Even me maw ( I don't know what that is). You and your husband (if there are kids them too) are the most important things in your family unit. These people are being disrespectful to you. There is a reason your hubby wants to come home and not tell them. Ignore them Momma. He will handle it when he gets home if he even wants to deal with that mess. Focus on you. The hubby being gone is hard enough with out all that stuff.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt,
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