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Fighting with husband who has PTSD

 seriously, dont listen to pearl. my husband is in afghanistan right now. ptsd is hard, really really hard. just give him time. he will get better. mental injuries often take longer than physical injuries to get better. just trust in god and support him. we have no idea what he has seen and been through. just try to stick it out.


Remember to always trust in God, and your military spouse! I love SPC. Brewer!!

This is not normal or acceptable behavior. You stated that he is recieiving some sort of counseling but from his actions it sounds like that is not enough. Unfortunately sometimes it is left up to the wife to fight for your husband's care. Don't give up, FIGHT for him to receive more/better treatment. PTSD is a hard road to recovery. It might not be a bad idea for you to receive some counseling on your own as well. Living with PTSD is not easy and there may be things you can do to help, or help him to avoid triggers. For your your own sanity try and remember that even when he lashes out at you it has nothing to do with you, your just there. Also keep in mind that you cannot fix him on your own, he needs professional help. Good luck. Hang in there

pearl wrote:

If I were in your shoes, I would do these two things: 

(1) Definitely do NOT have children with him; it would be disastrous and unfair to bring children into that volatile situation.

(2)  Leave and go back to your former life, family and friends.  Face the fact that he is never going to change.  At this point he's probably going to do better hanging out with fellow Vets who have experienced the same "battlefield" highs while deployed that he has, and to whom he doesn't have to explain anything because they, too, have been-there-done-that.

Leaving does not constitute failure or abandonment on your part.  You did not deploy with him.  You were not there to experience the "battlefield" experience, therefore he cannot share that with you.  If the two of you stay together, his frustration will escalate and there will be no happy ending.  You are in a lose-lose situation staying with him.  Leave while you can and make a new life for yourself.

likeabawse wrote:
My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago. Whenever he gets annoyed at work he comes home asdfjkl; and rants about whatever happened at work. I typically sit there and listen without making too many comments, just to give him his time to cool down and talk, but it seems like many times VERY little things set him off. He has punched his car, thrown his helmet at buildings, he broke his windshield hitting it with a rod, anything when he is angry. Today he punched his car again multiple times, started smoking (he hasn't smoked in about a year) and even held a gun to his head and said that I don't even care about him or the idea of him shooting himself. He then packed all of his stuff and said he was going camping alone and left. He does this kind of stuff so often I just try to let him vent, but it is clearly getting to the point that it is dangerous and I feel for him, but also I worry so much that in the future if we have kids they will be put in danger from him being so unstable. And I do not want to have to keep dealing with him telling me to pack my stuff and go all the time. I have heard a lot of wives say they are just testing us but it gets old. I have a Master's degree in Education and two teaching certificates, a career, a great family that I am away from for him and it gets old trying to hear him rant all the time over little things and then the way he treats me when he is mad over nothing. Today he said I need to go (as usual) and then said he is surprised I'm not on all these cheating websites. I have never cheated on him, but when he makes all these rude comments I am starting to feel like maybe being quiet is not the best move and I need to tell him how rude he is, but I feel like he will never get it. The world will always be against him in his mind. Anyone with a husband with PTSD have similar experiences or suggestions?!

um...wow...really Pearl? PTSD is an injury just the same as any other combat wound, one that he cant help, nor will it heal without medical attention. If her husband came back missing limbs or hurt in some other fashion would your advice be the same?

I can definately understand what you are going through.  My ex was medivac home 6 months before his unit came home.  He was diagnosed with PTSD, TBI, and seizure disorder.  He did alot of the same things you say your husband is doing.  He would hold guns to his head and play russian roulette, he drank excessively (1-2 gallons of hard liquor and 24-36 beers a day).  He wouldn't disappear or make me leave, but I came home to find another woman in our bed.  After that and him holding a gun to my head I realized that the situation was unsafe.  He chose liquor over getting counseling and participating in a profram so I had to leave because I think he would have killed me. 

I am not a professional therapist, but here is my opinion.......once a week isn't enough for counseling.  Your situation is severe.  He needs to be going several times a week.  Maybe even in patient.  If he is holding a gun to his head that is a major red flag, get him to a hospital. 

Second, get rid of the guns in the house.  Getting rid of the guns will ensure that everyone is safe.  It sounds like he is in so much pain and ready to end his suffering.  I think the reason he is wanting you to leave is that he is aware of his behavior, he just doesn't know how to control it.  He knows that his behavior is innappropriate, and doesn't want to hurt you.  He is trying everything he can think of to get you to leave so that he doesn't hurt you. 

I would not get pregnant while he is going through this right now.   A pregnancy will only make things worse.  I understand that you want children (I do to, but my marriage isn't very good right now). 

Get call the suicide prevention hotline, his doctor, or get him to an emergency room ASAP.....he needs help.  Unfortunatley, our soldiers are awesome providers of help, but not so good at asking or accepting help.  Getting him help is the best thing you can do for both of you. 

I know some people will tell you to get out of the marriage, and that is a choice only you can make.  You married him for better and for worse......he is going through something very traumatic and the best thing you can do is be by his side and help him out of it.  If he is unwilling to get and participate in counseling or an inpatient program, then you have to do what is safe for you. 

Wishing you the best, and sending hugs

 


EngWife


My husband was diagnosed with PTSD 18 months ago.  I can sugest very little, I have read several books on the subject and spoken with his doctor.  He is in Anger managment, PTSD, and another type of counseling that the VA has mandated for him. 

 

Sounds very bad but when he goes on a rant I step out of the house and smoke a cig, or I leave the house all together and go to the mall or wal mart and walk around.  This may sound like I'm running away but The Therapist has stressed to me that I have to make him understand that when he has this behavior It's unacceptable. With out telling him he's being an ass.  We have re-started the Date Night and Game night at home with the kids.  I have a 19 year old daughter that is about to ship out in the Navy, and a 17 year old that is about to turn 18 and states he is moving out.  For them it's the same way when he goes down the rabbit hole(that's what I call his angery moments)  They either take a walk or leave and walk around the mall.  Usually when we get back typically 30 to 45 minutes if it's a bad one, he's calmed down.  I still hear from him that when the kids are gone so are you (meaning me) in is rabbit days,  now on his good ones we talk and I have asked him about his comments and he has been able to talk about it, and states that I'm the reason he's still sane.  All this being said we have a friend that  has been dealing with PTSD for the last 5 years.  I got alot of advise from him dealing with the PTSD and I worked with him a while.  Favorite saying after he would get angry was " Did that make you feel better?"  He now laffs.  My hubby hasn't gotten there yet but I am hopefull that he will.

 

It can get better but it is a long process.  Best that I can say is find a Group for you, they have them through the VA for Spouses and families dealing with PTSD and you can find those that are going through the same thing and can be a sounding post and help you through the rough patches if you are willing to stick it out. 

 

Good Luck


I have a little bit different perspective on the situation, I hope it helps you and your husband.

I am a military wife, my husband is active duty.  It's a long story, but after a medical trauma I was diagnosed with PTSD.  I've been in therapy for about 3 years total (took a "break" for about 3 years).  Here's what we've learned:

It's just as important for the spouse to go to therapy.  You need some joint sessions with your husband, and some private sessions without him, for a safe place to discuss your own experiences with your husband's PTSD.  I think sharing a therapist is helpful, because he or she can help you both understand what the other is going through, and provide neutral views on situations.

If your husband is not doing a type of therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprogramming) he / you/ his therapist should look into it and consider it.  You didn't mention which branch of the military your husband serves in; some branches are more "accepting" of the EMDR method of treatment than others.  I have personally been treated by this method, and while it sounds crazy, it does work.

You should be prepared for your husband's mood to still be a bit unpredictable while he's going through therapy.  My husband says now that there was a time during therapy when it seemed to him I was getting worse, not better.  Also be aware that if he is on medications for depression or anxiety, that these can mask some symptoms and emotions, and once he comes off the meds he may need additional therapy.

Also, the right therapist can make all the difference.  I think I went through 5 before I found one that I was really able to work with.

All that said, you can't be responsible for his actions or reactions, only your own.  Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe.  Leave if you need to.  It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage if you take a break.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you guys.

image

 My husband has recently been diagnosed with PTSD and mild depression. About a year ago, I wrote some comments on this forum about my relationship with him and how I thought we were drifting apart. I was in a mind set to go my own way, once our two kids graduated from high school this year, an start my life over. I didn't know at the time he was in so much pain. My husband didn't go the violent route, he completely internalized his feelings and withdrew from his family, seeking comfort in women who didn't know him so he could be someone other than himself. It is hard to deal with, no matter what the symptoms are or how they try to cope, but therapy is the best option. I am sad that your husband's therapy is not going well. Are you sure he is going? Have you tried to go with him as a support system? Definitely get his command involved if he is suicidal or violent. I wish you the best.


Red Navy Wife

As someone who works in the mental health field, I am incredibly concerned that he is making suicidal threats and statements. You need to offer him help to get into counseling and maybe even contact suicide hotline to get him some emergency help. If he is not willing to get the help he needs while being suicidal, then please call his command and have them make him get either in patient care or out patient care. You can't just ignore his suicidal gestures. PTSD is a rough disorder for everyone involved, not just the one diagnosed. It's rough, but it's not untreatable. You both need to be actively seeking counseling as a couple and individually to learn new tools to cope with how life will be now with PTSD as the third wheel. I really wish you both lots of wellness and happiness, but please DO NOT IGNORE his suicidal gestures.

If he is threatening committing suicide you need to seek outside help IMMEDIATELY!!!  Do not wait for this to get worse, it is pretty much rock bottom if he has a gun to his head.


Is your husband actively seeing a counselor?  If not, he needs to.  He needs to learn how to deal with his anger without it reaching the destructive stage.  You have every reason to worry about your safety and his.  It is not normal to put a gun to your head and if he is still in the military, you may want to tell his command so that they can get him the help he needs.  He'll be angry with you, but I would rather have my husband angry with me than to see him kill himself. 


Mel. "Life...it is what it is. Suck it up, deal with it and move on."

 

Because your husband has been deployed under the 2011 rule changes he is eligible for services at his local Vet Center. The Vet Center does not report any contacts to DOD without a release of information. He can receive help from folks who are familiar with PTSD, have spent many years treating folks with combat theater related PTSD. You as his spouse can also receive help.


 1-877-war-vets

this is a 24 hour hot line manned by conbat theater vets. Please call them!


 I'm saddened by the fact that your husband is in treatment and the problem is getting worse.  I don't know where anyone comes up with the idea that this is their way of testing peoples limits with the aggression.  Just because you have not been physically hurt yet does not mean you're safe either.  I realize that your husband's issues are PTSD but the violent ourbursts are what you hear about on the news all the time.  I would call his psychiatrist immediately and let him know about the gun to the head and everything else he is doing.  In a rage your husband is just as much a danger to everyone around him, co-workers anyone who may come into his path as he is to himself.  Leave and do not even think about bringing children into this relationship until your husband is stable and receiving serious proper treatment.  


image

I was dating a marine for a while, he came home and was diagnosed with PTSD... I tried to tell him I would be there for him, I knew it was hard coming home, I understood that his world was completely upside down, but he wouldn't/couldnt hear it and he ended the relationship without so much as a goodbye... Found out later he turned into a man wh**e and was drunk every day and night...


I don't have a WHOLE lot of experience with it, but honey, PTSD or not, no man should talk to you/treat you that way. That being said, if you want to make it work between you two, you need to distance yourself from him, talk to his superiors if you must and let them know he's having trouble (because he may be hiding it at work), and let him know you love him, but you're uncomfortable with the situation you two are currently living in and you would like for him and you to talk to someone to try to help your relationship. 


PTSD is hard, and certain eggshells should be tiptoed around so he doesn't get sent into a spiral, but as long as you talk calmly and don't point fingers or assign any type of blame it might make it easier. I suggest you find a good counselor who has experience with this sort of thing that you can talk to individually and see if they have any good advice for you. Stay safe, leave the home and stay with family for a while, there's no excuse for violence towards your wife, if he's punching his car it's only a matter of time before that violence can get focused onto you. 


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I can relate to the PTSD being married to Army my husband does the screaming , name calling etc. and living beside some of his family is like living in a second hell. He never respects me or shows any compasion . i never ever cheated anyway what so ever and have no desire as long as I am married. But his attitude is just enough, and I know you have to be 50-50 in a marriage but I"m tired of giving and not getting in return ... please I need some answers. divorced first time of alcoholism and now I just don't know, would love a little happiness

 

What do you do when your husband is seeing a councelor for PTSD , and he is lying in front of you to the councelor

If I were in your shoes, I would do these two things: 

(1) Definitely do NOT have children with him; it would be disastrous and unfair to bring children into that volatile situation.

(2)  Leave and go back to your former life, family and friends.  Face the fact that he is never going to change.  At this point he's probably going to do better hanging out with fellow Vets who have experienced the same "battlefield" highs while deployed that he has, and to whom he doesn't have to explain anything because they, too, have been-there-done-that.

Leaving does not constitute failure or abandonment on your part.  You did not deploy with him.  You were not there to experience the "battlefield" experience, therefore he cannot share that with you.  If the two of you stay together, his frustration will escalate and there will be no happy ending.  You are in a lose-lose situation staying with him.  Leave while you can and make a new life for yourself.

likeabawse wrote:
My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago. Whenever he gets annoyed at work he comes home asdfjkl; and rants about whatever happened at work. I typically sit there and listen without making too many comments, just to give him his time to cool down and talk, but it seems like many times VERY little things set him off. He has punched his car, thrown his helmet at buildings, he broke his windshield hitting it with a rod, anything when he is angry. Today he punched his car again multiple times, started smoking (he hasn't smoked in about a year) and even held a gun to his head and said that I don't even care about him or the idea of him shooting himself. He then packed all of his stuff and said he was going camping alone and left. He does this kind of stuff so often I just try to let him vent, but it is clearly getting to the point that it is dangerous and I feel for him, but also I worry so much that in the future if we have kids they will be put in danger from him being so unstable. And I do not want to have to keep dealing with him telling me to pack my stuff and go all the time. I have heard a lot of wives say they are just testing us but it gets old. I have a Master's degree in Education and two teaching certificates, a career, a great family that I am away from for him and it gets old trying to hear him rant all the time over little things and then the way he treats me when he is mad over nothing. Today he said I need to go (as usual) and then said he is surprised I'm not on all these cheating websites. I have never cheated on him, but when he makes all these rude comments I am starting to feel like maybe being quiet is not the best move and I need to tell him how rude he is, but I feel like he will never get it. The world will always be against him in his mind. Anyone with a husband with PTSD have similar experiences or suggestions?!

image

 As the PP's have stated, this is not acceptable. PTSD may be a reason for his behavior, but it shouldn't be what sounds like an excuse at this point. If his group therapy is not working, then he should be in private sessions and possibly more than once a week. I don't personally have experience with PTSD so I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to weather these stormy seas with him, but it seems you may be becoming desensitized to how serious his actions and words are. There's no doubt that you love him dearly, but please protect yourself by insisting he get more/different/appropriate help. You should go through his command if he is not open to it.


www.wickedwitandwisdom.blogspot.com

My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago. Whenever he gets annoyed at work he comes home asdfjkl; and rants about whatever happened at work. I typically sit there and listen without making too many comments, just to give him his time to cool down and talk, but it seems like many times VERY little things set him off. He has punched his car, thrown his helmet at buildings, he broke his windshield hitting it with a rod, anything when he is angry. Today he punched his car again multiple times, started smoking (he hasn't smoked in about a year) and even held a gun to his head and said that I don't even care about him or the idea of him shooting himself. He then packed all of his stuff and said he was going camping alone and left. He does this kind of stuff so often I just try to let him vent, but it is clearly getting to the point that it is dangerous and I feel for him, but also I worry so much that in the future if we have kids they will be put in danger from him being so unstable. And I do not want to have to keep dealing with him telling me to pack my stuff and go all the time. I have heard a lot of wives say they are just testing us but it gets old. I have a Master's degree in Education and two teaching certificates, a career, a great family that I am away from for him and it gets old trying to hear him rant all the time over little things and then the way he treats me when he is mad over nothing. Today he said I need to go (as usual) and then said he is surprised I'm not on all these cheating websites. I have never cheated on him, but when he makes all these rude comments I am starting to feel like maybe being quiet is not the best move and I need to tell him how rude he is, but I feel like he will never get it. The world will always be against him in his mind. Anyone with a husband with PTSD have similar experiences or suggestions?!

He goes to group PTSD therapy once a week and has a personal psychiatrist he sees once a week as well. He is also on new

Wow, Pearl. Quite the suggestion you have going on there. While he isn't behaving in the best manner, she is married to him. You make certain vows when you wed (and I take them seriously). There are definitely other options out there before what should be an absolute last resort (divorce). <br><br> I can only echo what PPs have already stated, which is talking to his command. Coming out and telling him how rude he has been might make things worse in this scenario. Maybe you could suggest that you two go to a marriage counselor who specializes in PTSD. <br><br>Wishing you the best, dear.


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

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