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army wife...need advice has anyone been in my position and/or how do I get passed it

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See if he will attend counceling with you.. maybe that will help

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See if he will attend counceling with you.. maybe that will help

My husband and I went through a rough patch before he deployed as many do, we seemed to be doing fairly well right after he deployed. He then came home for R&R about 3 months after he deployed (to see our daughter that was just born) when he came home he didn't really seem to want anything to do with me or our baby and he would say anything he could think to hurt me it seemed. For the rest of the deployment we had little arguments here and there nothing big, for the most part we were doing better than we ever had. He was being really sweet, he had finally started putting our daughter and I before himself which is huge for him. I had voiced my concerns that I didn't want it to be like it always had been before where he would say oh I'm gonna change and he does for a few weeks then he's right back to treating me not real well and just being a jerk that feels and thinks the only things that matter are himself his guys and work. He assured me that it wasn't going to be that way and I believed him since he had been doing really well for the last 7 or 8 months. He came home and was amazing he helped with our daughter and cleaning even though I told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't feel he wanted to right away. After a few weeks of him being lovey and helpful he started going back to his old ways again...we'd fight and I'd try to explain why I was upset and after about the 10th fight he'd realize why I was angry and go back to showing me he actually does care about me and wants to be around me and helpped out aroound the house as well. Well it's now gotten to the point where he makes it sound like well I tried to be helpful and care about someone else more than myself but it's hard so i'm done trying. He acts like he thinks since I'm a stay at home wife and mom I should do EVERYTHING and I do mean everything. While he should be able to go do what he wants when he wants while I stay at home and do nothing. Then when he is around all he wants to do is be on the computer watch tv or sleep. I don't think it would bother me quite so much except for the fact that he's leaving in june for drill school and will be gone for 3 months then were gonna PCS to fort benning and he will be a DS so I'm never gonna see him or do anything with him then. I've told him the only things I'm asking of him is that he shows me he loves me and cares about me, that we do some things together to get out of the house and that he's respectful of me and my wants, needs and feelings. I've told him all I want is to feel loved and cared about to know that i am wanted and needed yet it seems to be too much for him to do. IDK if this is something because of his PTSD from 3 very hard deployments combined with the way he grew up or what it is but I need help on how to get through to him or what I should do. I have tried everything I know and I'm at a loss now. He's a good man and I know he has it in him to be better to be a great husband and father he's shown it, I just don't know how to keep him there...I need advice PLEASE!!!

This can be a harsh question but when he was helping out what were you telling him? Were you saying things like "I don't do it that way, I do it this way," or "No thats not the way you do it" or "No you need to do it this way" and the list continues.  Sometimes you can do that (especially if he is helping with the child) without realizing it and it causes them to want to stop helping.  You sometimes have to bite your tongue and just let him do it his way because it can work just as well. 

 

I would also suggest counseling you can do it through Military One Source up to 12 sessions for each case.  You might want to consider doing sessions as individuals and then ones together as a couple. 

The only thing that I can say is Change takes time. It's not over night? I can't tell you how many times the husband and I have had a heart to heart. Swore we would change and found ourselves slipping back into bad habits. It's a work in progress. Every relationship is. I agree with the counseling. You should definatly visit that option. Or church counseling if you go to church. Just keep working at it. You guys have been through a lot these past few months, New baby, deployment. etc. It's hard to get things working smoothly. Being a SAHM is very hard let alone with the military involved.

I am sure this has to be very frustrating for you. Dealing with PTSD in a spouse is not easy. It also sounds like there may be some family history of what.. not showing love or affection? Not sure where you were going with that. It sounds like he too needs to be affirmed in his efforts. So it may be that you would both benefit from learning how to communicate your wants, needs, and appreciation for one another more effectively. Have you ever attended a Strong Bonds retreat? I found them to be a valuable experience for my husband and me. I wish you all the best!  
 

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My husband and I went through a rough patch before he deployed as many do, we seemed to be doing fairly well right after he deployed. He then came home for R&R about 3 months after he deployed (to see our daughter that was just born) when he came home he didn't really seem to want anything to do with me or our baby and he would say anything he could think to hurt me it seemed. For the rest of the deployment we had little arguments here and there nothing big, for the most part we were doing better than we ever had. He was being really sweet, he had finally started putting our daughter and I before himself which is huge for him. I had voiced my concerns that I didn't want it to be like it always had been before where he would say oh I'm gonna change and he does for a few weeks then he's right back to treating me not real well and just being a jerk that feels and thinks the only things that matter are himself his guys and work. He assured me that it wasn't going to be that way and I believed him since he had been doing really well for the last 7 or 8 months. He came home and was amazing he helped with our daughter and cleaning even though I told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't feel he wanted to right away. After a few weeks of him being lovey and helpful he started going back to his old ways again...we'd fight and I'd try to explain why I was upset and after about the 10th fight he'd realize why I was angry and go back to showing me he actually does care about me and wants to be around me and helpped out aroound the house as well. Well it's now gotten to the point where he makes it sound like well I tried to be helpful and care about someone else more than myself but it's hard so i'm done trying. He acts like he thinks since I'm a stay at home wife and mom I should do EVERYTHING and I do mean everything. While he should be able to go do what he wants when he wants while I stay at home and do nothing. Then when he is around all he wants to do is be on the computer watch tv or sleep. I don't think it would bother me quite so much except for the fact that he's leaving in june for drill school and will be gone for 3 months then were gonna PCS to fort benning and he will be a DS so I'm never gonna see him or do anything with him then. I've told him the only things I'm asking of him is that he shows me he loves me and cares about me, that we do some things together to get out of the house and that he's respectful of me and my wants, needs and feelings. I've told him all I want is to feel loved and cared about to know that i am wanted and needed yet it seems to be too much for him to do. IDK if this is something because of his PTSD from 3 very hard deployments combined with the way he grew up or what it is but I need help on how to get through to him or what I should do. I have tried everything I know and I'm at a loss now. He's a good man and I know he has it in him to be better to be a great husband and father he's shown it, I just don't know how to keep him there...I need advice PLEASE!!!

 
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