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Dating for 3 months, parents just don't understand

Quoted

... and I'm curious... what in the world does your housing allowance and insurance have to do with her coming to the courthouse wedding?

 

Great question. I didn't explain well. She wondered why I wasn't waiting until our 'traditional' ceremony next summer to get our marriage license.

Hi Everyone,

I moved across the country 4 months ago, sort of to my parents' dismay. Then I met the man of my dreams, who also happens to be an Army officer. We knew almost immediately we were on the marriage track, but we decided we would wait until after meeting each other's parents, since we both live so far away from them now. We have plans to visit my parents next month, go see his parents sometime in June, and then do a courthouse ceremony after that. We do want a traditional wedding next year with our families too, but having our own private wedding anniversary is important to us. The problem is that my mother is insisting on being a part of the courthouse ceremony too. I've explained to her the housing allowance we'll be eligible for, the health insurance I'll get, as well as our desire to have something only for the two of us. None of that seems to make a difference to her. She told me I'm being inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings in my plans. We used to be very close but since I've moved, geography makes it difficult to see my family as much. I'm really starting to get resentful of my mom, which makes me feel like a terrible daughter. Any advice would help at this point!

Ok, to support ellemay, when my husband and I got married we didnt want any parents there because not ALL of our parents were going to be able to attend, and we didnt want anyone to feel left out.  Plus, we werent getting married for them.  I also knew his parents would ruin it.  Of course, they did end up coming because we ended up telling them.  They were late and disruptive.  His mom actually says stuff to this day about how my parents never supported me and came to the wedding--even though it wasnt anything like that.

 

Ellemay, I get that you want it to be a thing between you and your husband, but obviously, your mom really wants to be there.  Think of it this way, maybe she has thought about it for years and is really happy for you and just needs some closure of her own.  She is your only mom.  There is no need to have a rift between the two of you over something that is supposed to be special. You'll have plenty of really special times alone with your husband.  Why not share this one with your mom?  If nothing else, just to keep the peace.

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I agree with the other posters. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you're looking for. I have one daughter. If she was to tell me she was getting married and didn't want me there, I'd be crushed. I don't care what the other parents can or cannot do, if it's my daughter getting married then I want to be there. Being older, I can look back and see where I've been inconsiderate and selfish in certain situations. I've been married more than once, and the first wedding was the whole schebang. My mother drove me up the wall with her ideas, and even to this day she can drive me up the wall about it. Her memory is starting to go, and she thinks she paid for more of it than she did. My point is, don't crush her. She loves you no matter where you live, and if she's telling you she really wants to be there, try to understand why. If this is the right man for you, then you're going to have years of enjoying him to yourself, and vice versa.

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... and I'm curious... what in the world does your housing allowance and insurance have to do with her coming to the courthouse wedding?

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OK...

 

What is the reason you don't want her there? Is it something a little more than just trying to be fair to the other family that can't be there? Because when it comes down to it, that's not fair to you. Who in their right mind would begrudge you for having your mother at your ceremony? Even if they couldn't make it, could you honestly imagine someone saying "Well, that's just not right... she invited her mother, but we couldn't make it... how selfish of her." ? I don't think so. And, if there were someone who'd say that, you wouldn't want them there anyway.

 

I just don't understand why you and your fiance have decided this is the event that you want to be just between the two of you. Don't get me wrong, I can see wanting to do something special just for the two of you, but that's what a honeymoon and anniversaries are for. Help me understand.

Why do you not want anyone there with you? This is a momentous occasion even if it is just a JOP ceremony. Especially since you are not by each other anymore.  Look at it from her side, how would you feel if your daughter was getting married for the first time and didn't want you at the wedding? Would you not be hurt? Would you not want to be a part of this ceremony?  What about his family?
 

Quoted


Hi Everyone,

I moved across the country 4 months ago, sort of to my parents' dismay. Then I met the man of my dreams, who also happens to be an Army officer. We knew almost immediately we were on the marriage track, but we decided we would wait until after meeting each other's parents, since we both live so far away from them now. We have plans to visit my parents next month, go see his parents sometime in June, and then do a courthouse ceremony after that. We do want a traditional wedding next year with our families too, but having our own private wedding anniversary is important to us. The problem is that my mother is insisting on being a part of the courthouse ceremony too. I've explained to her the housing allowance we'll be eligible for, the health insurance I'll get, as well as our desire to have something only for the two of us. None of that seems to make a difference to her. She told me I'm being inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings in my plans. We used to be very close but since I've moved, geography makes it difficult to see my family as much. I'm really starting to get resentful of my mom, which makes me feel like a terrible daughter. Any advice would help at this point!

 
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