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Sexless Marriage at 23?

I agree with melleecamp's suggestions; those are some good bits of advice.  Another quick tip is to be careful how you are communicating with him.  While there's more to it than nagging, nagging or anything that comes across from you to him as deprecating his manhood will definitely kill his desire for you.  So make sure you are truly being an encouraging, supportive wife. 

The fact that this has been going on this long and is now having adverse affects on you motivates me to encourage you to get professional counseling help from a marriage counselor.  If you happen to be of the Christian faith, there are plenty of good faith-based books available to help with not only the topic of marriage in general, but also about s*x.  I'm actually reading one called Sacred S*x by Tim Alan Gardner; this book is providing a deeper meaning for marital s*x than just pleasure and all the other things promoted by our society.  Hope this helps, and I'll be glad to help some more if you like.

Ladies, check out this series of articles that I read today.  How serendipitous that articles about this very topic should be in my reading queue today! 

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/when-your-husband-isnt-interested-in-sex.aspx

Now, Focus on the Family is definitely a Christian website, but this particular set of articles (authorized excerpts/condensed versions of chapters from a book) have only a miniscule reference to anything about faith/religion, so this information should be good for everyone, no matter what you believe or don't!  I hope you find this helpful; but if you should still have questions or want to chat about something specific, I will be glad to help.  Just contact me with a private message or make another post here.  If the above link doesn't work, just get to www.focusonthefamily.com; from the home page, follow this path of links:  Marriage & Relationships>S*x and Intimacy>When Your Husband Isn’t Interested in S*x (they won't have the asterisks, of course!).

Wow, I thought I was the only one going through this. We are TTC and it's hard when neither one of us seems to have much of a s*x drive. It's not that I'm not interested in him, I'm not interested in s*x at all. I have to force myself to have s*x when I think I'm near ovulation. This has been going on our whole relationship, but when we were dating I just thought he was trying to be respectful. We've talked about it and he gets nervous to do anything. Those "only 5 reasons why men don't want to be intimate" are BS. They do not apply to us... for some people I think it's more of a mental block, more than something has to be going on. We were going to go to marriage counseling but then we PCS'd overseas and I'm not sure if that's an option. 

Intimacy can be difficult at times. But don't fear the worst! It is normal for couples to have pattern changes. If you are a reader, try the book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor. The title may be misleading; the book is based off his seminars and while he presents useful information and tips, he does so with humor, hence Laugh Your Way... The book not only talks about other parts of your marriage, but has a whole section on intimacy. Good luck, and don't give up! :)

Wow Rhohini...I'm really glad your male opinion is not backed with any scientific reasoning or behavioral psych understanding.  I read your comment to my husband of 20 years, and he said, "That kind of advice is what wins you a lawyer." 

I don't think we can make assumptions about the causes of the situation...just empathize with the OP in a safe, non-threatening environemnt.  I can't help but ask....have you let YOURSELF go since your wedding day?  And 3 times a week?  That's a lil slow in my book....

 

~Jenna ~

...RIP my brother, Jose, 27MAY12...Semper Fi!

Stress is a huge factor on why men a lot of the times lose the want for intimacy or closeness. So if a woman didn't have the drive to be intimate with her husband would she be considered a lesbian? I think not. While these all may be legitimate reasons as the OP stated mainly stress is the issue. I would suggest taking a time away maybe going on a trip. This happened with my husband and I, he was just so stressed that he couldn't think about anything but work and sleeping.
 

Quoted


You need to hear the truth from a man.  My comments are not to make you feel better about your situation but to help you and your husband actually SOLVE your problem.  My wife and I are in our 40s and haaer intimate 3 times per week on average and it is ALWAYS INCREDIBLE.  (as an aside, we both take care of ourselves thru healthy lifestyle choices). 

You say your hubbie is 23 years old and not interested in being intimate with you?  The folliwng reasons a man that age doesn't want to be intimate with you are as follows:

1.  He is gay.

2.  He is cheating on you.

3.  He doesn't find you attractive.

4.  He is in poor health because of a bad diet/lack of exercise.

5.  He is taking a drug (either illegal or legal) and/or drinking too much alcohol and that is interfering with his hormones.

You need to hear the truth: his excuse that he didn't want to be intimate when your male roommates were there is a LAME LIE.  There is another reason and he's just not telling you. 

----------

I will address each topic below:

1.  If he is gay you need to find out if it's permanent or just a 'phase.'  If it's permanent then get on with your life.

2.  If he is/was cheating he needs to confess and quit and then get counseling to resolve the issues that led him to cheat.  Without taking care of the problem he will never be completely healed and able to fully devote to you.

3.  Have you changed since you got married?  Have you gained weight?  Regardless, you need to take care of yourself.  Find a good trainer thru http://www.charlespoliquin.com/ who will put you on an exercise and eating plan specifically for you.  Want to get inspired?  Go to www.bodybuilding.com and review the stories of people who transformed their bodies from out-of-shape to healthy.  If you want to get pregnant you need to focus on your health.  Be sure you're getting adequate protein, vegetables, healthy fats, omega 3's and folic acid.  No soft drinks.

Don't even tell your husband you are doing this and don't tell him he needs to do it too.  You just resolve to do it yourself and when you make food make him food according to your eating plan and rid your house of all junk food and soft drinks.  He will eventually be so curious and inspired by your transformation that he will join you.  But not if you talk his ear off about how he should be doing it too.

4.  The solution to this is the same as #3 above.

5.  If he's taking an illegal drug or drinking to excess he needs help.  If he refuses to get help you need to get counseling yourself to learn how to deal with it and consider at least temporarily leaving the situation.   If he's taking some sort of prescribed drug or OTC drug he needs to find a doctor that will work with him to change his lifestyle so he doesn't have to take the drug.  Drugs should be reserved for emergency, life-threatening situations.  The problem with drugs is their side effects and how different people have different side effects.  Long-term drug use will not get him healthy.  Transforming his lifesyle will get him healthy.

I wish you the best!

In all my years of trying to find marriage and s*x advice I have never run into anything like this.  Thanks for sharing.  I have always felt there was something missing because my husband just didn't feel he had a drive anymore.  But I guess being able to live in a hotel room for a month and not kill each other, driving for hours talking and enjoying each other's music, and discussing a sports game, the theatre, a book, or  a movie you just saw should really be more important then how often you get together in the bedroom.  Thanks for the new perspective on things.  It's nice to know that for some men it's normal, instead of constantly feeling we should be taking the blame.

ps...I can't believe they are making us censore s*x.
 

Quoted


Ladies, check out this series of articles that I read today.  How serendipitous that articles about this very topic should be in my reading queue today! 

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/when-your-husband-isnt-interested-in-sex.aspx

Now, Focus on the Family is definitely a Christian website, but this particular set of articles (authorized excerpts/condensed versions of chapters from a book) have only a miniscule reference to anything about faith/religion, so this information should be good for everyone, no matter what you believe or don't!  I hope you find this helpful; but if you should still have questions or want to chat about something specific, I will be glad to help.  Just contact me with a private message or make another post here.  If the above link doesn't work, just get to www.focusonthefamily.com; from the home page, follow this path of links:  Marriage & Relationships>S*x and Intimacy>When Your Husband Isn’t Interested in S*x (they won't have the asterisks, of course!).

I don't remember where I read this but it was suggested to start with small touches.  Try starting out by touching his arm when you walk past him, touching his back if your standing next to him.  Later try holding hands while walking, ect.  Start small and see where it eventually takes you.  I think I might try starting over with that myself.  My husband got back from Kuwait about a month and a half ago.  All the intimacy just feels like we are doing it because that is what we should be doing.  It just feels forced and mechanical, and that is a terrible feeling.  So I think i'm going to back off for a while and see  if we can build it back up naturally.  If you eventually find something that works I'm sure there are several women on here (including myself) who would like a little tip...if your up to that that is.

How about going out on dates instead of sitting home all the time.  It sounds like you both need to relearn how to enjoy eachother as people instead of as husband and wife.  It's easy to get bogged down with the day to day stress and monotony and rediscovering those things you really enjoy about each other would do alot for rebuilding your intimacy.  My husband is usually stressed and it does affect our relationship and after about 5 days of leave, where we have left the area, he becomes the man I enjoyed while we were dating. I think that is one of the reasons I am looking forward to his retirement from the military, because I will get all of him back.

Go on weekly dates with each other to remind yourselves what you enjoy about each other.  Just enjoy spending time together without any expectations of bed play.  Talk to each other, laugh, flirt, treat your relationship like it is new.  The physical connection will become the result of your enjoyment with each other so don't make the physical aspect such a priority that you both are disappointed when you push things that you both are not feeling. 

I loved everyone's comments and I look forward to reading the articles on Focus on the Family. However, even though I am embarrassed to say this I feel that I am the cause of our s*x life failing. I got diagnosed with infertility last November and we had been trying for a year before going for assistance. I feel so out of sync when the fertility clinic tells us to have s*x for so many days and I just have no enjoyment in it anymore. We haven't been married that long but I feel as though we should be having more frequent intercourse than once per month or less. What can I do to improve it and make it more enjoyable for me?

You need to hear the truth from a man.  My comments are not to make you feel better about your situation but to help you and your husband actually SOLVE your problem.  My wife and I are in our 40s and haaer intimate 3 times per week on average and it is ALWAYS INCREDIBLE.  (as an aside, we both take care of ourselves thru healthy lifestyle choices). 

You say your hubbie is 23 years old and not interested in being intimate with you?  The folliwng reasons a man that age doesn't want to be intimate with you are as follows:

1.  He is gay.

2.  He is cheating on you.

3.  He doesn't find you attractive.

4.  He is in poor health because of a bad diet/lack of exercise.

5.  He is taking a drug (either illegal or legal) and/or drinking too much alcohol and that is interfering with his hormones.

You need to hear the truth: his excuse that he didn't want to be intimate when your male roommates were there is a LAME LIE.  There is another reason and he's just not telling you. 

----------

I will address each topic below:

1.  If he is gay you need to find out if it's permanent or just a 'phase.'  If it's permanent then get on with your life.

2.  If he is/was cheating he needs to confess and quit and then get counseling to resolve the issues that led him to cheat.  Without taking care of the problem he will never be completely healed and able to fully devote to you.

3.  Have you changed since you got married?  Have you gained weight?  Regardless, you need to take care of yourself.  Find a good trainer thru http://www.charlespoliquin.com/ who will put you on an exercise and eating plan specifically for you.  Want to get inspired?  Go to www.bodybuilding.com and review the stories of people who transformed their bodies from out-of-shape to healthy.  If you want to get pregnant you need to focus on your health.  Be sure you're getting adequate protein, vegetables, healthy fats, omega 3's and folic acid.  No soft drinks.

Don't even tell your husband you are doing this and don't tell him he needs to do it too.  You just resolve to do it yourself and when you make food make him food according to your eating plan and rid your house of all junk food and soft drinks.  He will eventually be so curious and inspired by your transformation that he will join you.  But not if you talk his ear off about how he should be doing it too.

4.  The solution to this is the same as #3 above.

5.  If he's taking an illegal drug or drinking to excess he needs help.  If he refuses to get help you need to get counseling yourself to learn how to deal with it and consider at least temporarily leaving the situation.   If he's taking some sort of prescribed drug or OTC drug he needs to find a doctor that will work with him to change his lifestyle so he doesn't have to take the drug.  Drugs should be reserved for emergency, life-threatening situations.  The problem with drugs is their side effects and how different people have different side effects.  Long-term drug use will not get him healthy.  Transforming his lifesyle will get him healthy.

I wish you the best!

Im 25 and my husband is 27, he has been deployed 2 times in the 9 1/2 yrs together and 7 1/2 years of marriage, and we are also going through this issue! Only we have 1 difference, we are having difficulty in concieving a child. We were taking medicine that was supposed to help but we HAD to be intimate every other day for 10 days each month. Not only did this hinder our s*x life but I think it killed it! I am just like you and keep thinking that it is something wrong with me! When you find something that works I would be very interested in knowing what was done to fix it so I could give it a try.

image

While I appreciate your attempt at helping, I don't think that those are THE ONLY reasons for this particular situation. I know for a fact none of these are true for us. There is not a rigid set of rules that applies to every couple. I know that it was the stress of the training. (not sure if you're familiar with the Q course). It was a very stressful situation, and we've found he is not good at dealing with high levels of stress. As well, we were young and newly married, moved across the country, and were broke. Add all that up, and you're bound to have a lacking libido, among other issues. 

I am looking now to learn how to get our spark back. Looking to move forward. I'd definitely like to think I know my husband pretty well to know whether he's gay, not attracted to me, on drugs/alcohol, or cheating,.. and he's certainly in great shape as am I. So your rules just simply don't apply. 
 

Quoted


You need to hear the truth from a man.  My comments are not to make you feel better about your situation but to help you and your husband actually SOLVE your problem.  My wife and I are in our 40s and haaer intimate 3 times per week on average and it is ALWAYS INCREDIBLE.  (as an aside, we both take care of ourselves thru healthy lifestyle choices). 

You say your hubbie is 23 years old and not interested in being intimate with you?  The folliwng reasons a man that age doesn't want to be intimate with you are as follows:

1.  He is gay.

2.  He is cheating on you.

3.  He doesn't find you attractive.

4.  He is in poor health because of a bad diet/lack of exercise.

5.  He is taking a drug (either illegal or legal) and/or drinking too much alcohol and that is interfering with his hormones.

You need to hear the truth: his excuse that he didn't want to be intimate when your male roommates were there is a LAME LIE.  There is another reason and he's just not telling you. 

----------

I will address each topic below:

1.  If he is gay you need to find out if it's permanent or just a 'phase.'  If it's permanent then get on with your life.

2.  If he is/was cheating he needs to confess and quit and then get counseling to resolve the issues that led him to cheat.  Without taking care of the problem he will never be completely healed and able to fully devote to you.

3.  Have you changed since you got married?  Have you gained weight?  Regardless, you need to take care of yourself.  Find a good trainer thru http://www.charlespoliquin.com/ who will put you on an exercise and eating plan specifically for you.  Want to get inspired?  Go to www.bodybuilding.com and review the stories of people who transformed their bodies from out-of-shape to healthy.  If you want to get pregnant you need to focus on your health.  Be sure you're getting adequate protein, vegetables, healthy fats, omega 3's and folic acid.  No soft drinks.

Don't even tell your husband you are doing this and don't tell him he needs to do it too.  You just resolve to do it yourself and when you make food make him food according to your eating plan and rid your house of all junk food and soft drinks.  He will eventually be so curious and inspired by your transformation that he will join you.  But not if you talk his ear off about how he should be doing it too.

4.  The solution to this is the same as #3 above.

5.  If he's taking an illegal drug or drinking to excess he needs help.  If he refuses to get help you need to get counseling yourself to learn how to deal with it and consider at least temporarily leaving the situation.   If he's taking some sort of prescribed drug or OTC drug he needs to find a doctor that will work with him to change his lifestyle so he doesn't have to take the drug.  Drugs should be reserved for emergency, life-threatening situations.  The problem with drugs is their side effects and how different people have different side effects.  Long-term drug use will not get him healthy.  Transforming his lifesyle will get him healthy.

I wish you the best!

image

How ironic! I love the way God works haha. That was very helpful.. thank you for sharing!

image

My husband and I have been together almost 5 years, married for 2.5. When we were dating, the sex was very often and exciting. A few months before we got married, he began the SFQC. Once married, the sex just dropped off. It was a few months before I was able to move out to where his training was, and I figured once I got there the sex would pick back up. We were living in an apartment with two single guys for the first few weeks, so he used that as an excuse. He said once we got our own place, he'd be more comfortable. We then got into our own house, and it was awhile before we were intimate. That was 2 years ago, and we have probably averaged sex maybe once a month since. Any time I'd approach him, he'd have an excuse; tired, stressed, laugh it off, perhaps not say anything at all. His training has been very stressful, and our marriage and sex life have suffered from it. We believe his stress is what caused his lack of desire. But before we came to that realization, I blamed myself left and right. I changed my hair, tried to change my makeup, paint my nails, wear lingerie, be more supportive, etc etc etc. Nothing worked. 

Bottom line, my self-esteem has suffered and we are now at the point where neither of us has a desire for sex. His training is coming to an end, his stress level has dropped dramatically and we should be ready to get going. But I'm so "damaged" from the whole experience that I can't connect with him in the bedroom. I feel uncomfortable, and dirty when participating, as if it's wrong. We both talk about sex, wanting to spark that part of our relationship, but we can't seem to put it into action. 

We love each other very much. We're best friends (almost too good of "friends", rather than spouses), we want to make this work. It just seems like we don't know what to do. We would rather watch tv, or basically anything else than just shut everything off and be alone in the bedroom. It's awful. Occasionally it's a really good time, but most of the time I at least find it awkward. 

Any tips on how to spark things back up, get intimately connected again, would be appreciated. Please don't suggest lingerie or the basics like that. Been there, tried that.. 

image

Thank you both very much. Those are great suggestions. We will definitely work on those. 

We did go to counselling through Military One Source for a few months. While it helped us get over some resentments, improve upon our communication, and some other issues, I don't feel like we touched enough on this issue. We may end up going back for this specific topic and try working through it. 

Again thank you to you both. Definitely feeling hopeful in trying something different. Oddly enough all we (mainly I) ever focused on was the end result of s*x, rather than all that leads up to it. The non-physical intimacy etc. It'll be fun to find that initial spark we had and develop it further. 

image

As soon as hubs gets back from his training, I will definitely be giving these suggestions a try. And if they work, or if I find something else that works I will definitely share! 

Our intimacy, when we do participate, seems mechanical as well. It feels like (for me at least) that I'm trying to be sexy, do the right things, say the right things. It's too serious, and not fun at all. I told him we needed to try to find the fun in it again, the silliness, and be ourselves rather than how I/we think we should be acting. 

I'm hoping and praying that when he gets back this time, things will be different and we can really give this advice a good try. 

 
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