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Found out my husband cheated over two years ago...

I definitely agree with the advice to get some personal professional counsel on how to best handle this.  You both have clearly moved on and chosen to stay together, so you don't want to mess that up.  Yet, you've also come across this evidence from the past, which is now going to create problems within you!   I would also venture to say that this old affair is negatively affecting him--whether he realizes it or not, and even though he thinks you don't know for sure about it.  The fact that both of you are keeping a secret about this from each other is ruining the ability in both of you to enjoy trust and full acceptance from each other, and these things are critical to successful marriage.  So, you need to get past the secret stage; but exposing/confessing an affair has to be handled VERY carefully, or it will create more damage than it fixes!  Thus, the need for an objective, well-trained-in-such-matters counselor.  I recommend you go to a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or a Pastoral Counselor from your faith group (if you have one).  As with any counselor, find out up front (when locating one & setting up an appointment) whether the counselor has a perspective on the issue that is compatible with yours.  In other words, if your goal is to heal your marriage and not divorce, then you want a counselor that believes such is possible and won't try to convince you that divorcing is the only or best option.  If I can be of any further help, please let me know.

In my opinion i would bring it up he denied and has never confessed made you believe you had the problem that you were going nuts thats not cool besides not accepting reponsibilty for his action and saying hey i messed up Im sorry. I think you deserve atleast that. I would want that instead of him pushing it on you regardless if you have worked on stuff since then trust is a huge chunk of a marriage and if he lied and never manned up and apologized i would think whats to say he wouldnt do it again if he cant even own up to it and is blaming me that just doesnt sit well with me it would tear me up inside everyday regardless of how many counseling sessions i went to i would need to hear from him that i can trust him and for starters i would need him to confess thats just my 2 cents i would just leave him if it were me but then again ive only been married for a yr and we dont have kids but i dont know if it would matter if we were married 20 yrs and i had 5 kids with the guy i hate seeing women who wont leave their husband just because they have been with them for x amount of yrs or have blank amount of kids with the guy if hes a dirt bag in your marriage why suffer it doesnt mean your giving up it means your putting your hapiness before numbers and decided not to live a lie he may not be a bad father he can still be a dad to your kids if you seperate you can still do family things and be civil with eachother you might be happier later maybe you guys can even be friends this is all for you to decide

Even though you and your husband have got through it and had a child, the fact is is that it was based on a lie. He never admitted on cheating. ou chose to stay with a man who DID NOT cheat.....but he did. In my opinion, you now start from square one. Trust is a huge issue in a marriage. Not ONLY did he cheat, but he tried to turn it aroung on you, and kept the lie going. Hes un trustworthy and thats a problem. IF he wants to stay in this marriage, he needs to respect your reasoning for counseling.

 

Even though you have discussed the past and have moved on there is still no resolution for you and that's why it's still very much in your mind.  I would suggest counseling, for you.  Whether your husband wants to go or not is really irrelevant, you need it so that you can move forward.  I think with guys it's more of a we've discussed it to death and the second you move past it they are over it and don't want it brought up again.  Work on yourself so that you can feel better.  As long as the past is in the past and isn't repeating itself there isn't any reason to believe you can't have a happier life together.

 

My relationship with my husband has been rocky for the past four years, he went on a deployment two years ago and I suspected he cheated on me while there.  I confronted him and of course he denied it, he also made it seem like I was the one with the problems.  I found chat logs from him recently that confirmed he did cheat, but since then we have worked on our relationship and had a baby.  Should I even bring it up and ruin all of our progress, should I leave, or should I just ignore it?  I'm very torn, he can tell something is wrong with me and he get upset when I tell him nothing is wrong because I have a history of holding things in.  He refuses to go to counseling... Any and all advice will be welcomed...

To give you a brief summery of our history, we have been together 11 years and have a few children together.

But the messages I found and have been finding is him currently talking about it like he's proud of all the girls he got while he was out there.  He's even considering taking another position that requires him to travel so that he can go back out there.  When he talks to me he tells me how he's tired of the military life because of all the deployments, he tells me how he just wants to settle down somewhere quite.  Then I read these messages talking about he's going to volunteer for the next deployment back out there, and his friends joking with him about how many babies he probably has out there and he just laughs it off.  These are all recent messages.  If he was so sorry and so willing to work it out, why is he talking like this?  I don't even recognize this man...  I still haven't confronted him and in the meantime I'm still finding new things.  It's more that I'm scared to confront him.  He has always been a very scary, intimidating person when upset.  He gets controlling and emotionally abusive and I don't want to go through that.  Plus, I don't want to put the kids through that.  If I were to leave, I wouldn't have anywhere to go.  We're stationed overseas, I have no job experience and haven't completed my degree yet.  So I'm worried about not being able to support my kids and not have a place to stay.  I do love him so much but now I question if my love for him is due to the fact that we've been together since I was 12 years old and have never been with anyone else or if its really love???  I feel this situation I'm in affecting me physically, I feel so drained and alone.
 

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I definitely agree with the advice to get some personal professional counsel on how to best handle this.  You both have clearly moved on and chosen to stay together, so you don't want to mess that up.  Yet, you've also come across this evidence from the past, which is now going to create problems within you!   I would also venture to say that this old affair is negatively affecting him--whether he realizes it or not, and even though he thinks you don't know for sure about it.  The fact that both of you are keeping a secret about this from each other is ruining the ability in both of you to enjoy trust and full acceptance from each other, and these things are critical to successful marriage.  So, you need to get past the secret stage; but exposing/confessing an affair has to be handled VERY carefully, or it will create more damage than it fixes!  Thus, the need for an objective, well-trained-in-such-matters counselor.  I recommend you go to a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or a Pastoral Counselor from your faith group (if you have one).  As with any counselor, find out up front (when locating one & setting up an appointment) whether the counselor has a perspective on the issue that is compatible with yours.  In other words, if your goal is to heal your marriage and not divorce, then you want a counselor that believes such is possible and won't try to convince you that divorcing is the only or best option.  If I can be of any further help, please let me know.


I teared up reading your message because that's the advice I would give someone in my shoes... It's just too hard and too scary for me to do.  

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In my opinion i would bring it up he denied and has never confessed made you believe you had the problem that you were going nuts thats not cool besides not accepting reponsibilty for his action and saying hey i messed up Im sorry. I think you deserve atleast that. I would want that instead of him pushing it on you regardless if you have worked on stuff since then trust is a huge chunk of a marriage and if he lied and never manned up and apologized i would think whats to say he wouldnt do it again if he cant even own up to it and is blaming me that just doesnt sit well with me it would tear me up inside everyday regardless of how many counseling sessions i went to i would need to hear from him that i can trust him and for starters i would need him to confess thats just my 2 cents i would just leave him if it were me but then again ive only been married for a yr and we dont have kids but i dont know if it would matter if we were married 20 yrs and i had 5 kids with the guy i hate seeing women who wont leave their husband just because they have been with them for x amount of yrs or have blank amount of kids with the guy if hes a dirt bag in your marriage why suffer it doesnt mean your giving up it means your putting your hapiness before numbers and decided not to live a lie he may not be a bad father he can still be a dad to your kids if you seperate you can still do family things and be civil with eachother you might be happier later maybe you guys can even be friends this is all for you to decide


I found the chat logs after the baby.  He was deployed in 2009, that's when he cheated.  I found out he cheated in late 2010, I was going to leave but a week after I found out I was pregnant.  We talked, he denied any cheating, and we decided to work through it and stay together.  I found the chat logs in 2012, both old and new, confirming my suspicions back then.  I am still reading his messages and he is currently talking about volunteering for a deployment back out there if one comes available.

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You stated you had found the chat logs recently, but since then you two had worked on your marriage and had a baby? I'm trying to understand when you found the chat logs. Was it before your baby or after? It seems like a very long time to let something like that fester if it was before your pregnancy. If I had to hold something like that in I would be miserable to be around. I realize everybody is different with expressing and addressing emotions, but let it out!

If he is not being honest about his affair then there's no moving forward. If you aren't being honest about knowing about the affair either, then there's no hope. You'll both be living a lie. It would probably help things if both of you put all your cards out on the table. If he wants the marriage to work, then he should be honest enough to tell you everything he's done. Whether or not you stay is your decision. I liked what a PP stated about him still being able to be a good father to your children even if you two go your seperate ways. You'll need to decide your reasons for staying and whether or not those reasons set a good example for your children. Ask yourself what if this happened to one of your children in the future... what advice would you give them?

Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

 

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My relationship with my husband has been rocky for the past four years, he went on a deployment two years ago and I suspected he cheated on me while there.  I confronted him and of course he denied it, he also made it seem like I was the one with the problems.  I found chat logs from him recently that confirmed he did cheat, but since then we have worked on our relationship and had a baby.  Should I even bring it up and ruin all of our progress, should I leave, or should I just ignore it?  I'm very torn, he can tell something is wrong with me and he get upset when I tell him nothing is wrong because I have a history of holding things in.  He refuses to go to counseling... Any and all advice will be welcomed...

To give you a brief summery of our history, we have been together 11 years and have a few children together.


I feel betrayed, maybe if it didn't take me until now to find out the truth things would have been different. But so much has happened these few years that now I'm questioning if it was real.  These few years seemed good but to find out now that all this time he's bragging about his actions and actively seeking to go back is so hurtful.

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Even though you and your husband have got through it and had a child, the fact is is that it was based on a lie. He never admitted on cheating. ou chose to stay with a man who DID NOT cheat.....but he did. In my opinion, you now start from square one. Trust is a huge issue in a marriage. Not ONLY did he cheat, but he tried to turn it aroung on you, and kept the lie going. Hes un trustworthy and thats a problem. IF he wants to stay in this marriage, he needs to respect your reasoning for counseling.

 

I don't think we have had one healthy argument since we've been together.  Communication is definitely lacking in our relationship.  It's hard to talk to him, he is a very intelligent man and always finds a way to turn it around on me.  Often times I find myself feeling bad about even bringing something up, as is what happened when I confronted him with my suspicions back then.  I don't want to feel like I'm bringing up the past because it did happen in the past but everything I'm finding is current, so that's what I'm torn about.  Yes the act happened in the past but he is currently speaking about it so openly and the fact that he is all for going back if the opportunity presents itself makes me question who he really is.  I've been with this man for over 15 years and after reading these chats, I feel like I never knew the real him. 
 

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This is a tough situation. Many people can offer you advice- counselors, friends, lawyers, etc. but only you know what you really want. If you cherish your relationship with your husband, if being with him and having a healthy relationship is important to you- then this is the goal for you to work toward. It will take both of you being honest, honest about what has happened and honest about what you want going forward, to make this work. It will not be easy- but people can go through this and come out the other side with an even stronger relationship. Communication will be key, counseling may need to be part of that, perhaps going to a Strong Bonds retreat (or something similar) may be a good idea for the two of you. A piece of advice I have heard offered to others going through this that makes sense to me is that moving forward means putting the past in the past and not throwing it in the offender's face every time they do something to upset you. Forgiving does not mean forgetting- but it does mean you are willing to let it be left in the past and to focus on the future. I wish you all the best.

image

You stated you had found the chat logs recently, but since then you two had worked on your marriage and had a baby? I'm trying to understand when you found the chat logs. Was it before your baby or after? It seems like a very long time to let something like that fester if it was before your pregnancy. If I had to hold something like that in I would be miserable to be around. I realize everybody is different with expressing and addressing emotions, but let it out!

If he is not being honest about his affair then there's no moving forward. If you aren't being honest about knowing about the affair either, then there's no hope. You'll both be living a lie. It would probably help things if both of you put all your cards out on the table. If he wants the marriage to work, then he should be honest enough to tell you everything he's done. Whether or not you stay is your decision. I liked what a PP stated about him still being able to be a good father to your children even if you two go your seperate ways. You'll need to decide your reasons for staying and whether or not those reasons set a good example for your children. Ask yourself what if this happened to one of your children in the future... what advice would you give them?

Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

 

Quoted


 

My relationship with my husband has been rocky for the past four years, he went on a deployment two years ago and I suspected he cheated on me while there.  I confronted him and of course he denied it, he also made it seem like I was the one with the problems.  I found chat logs from him recently that confirmed he did cheat, but since then we have worked on our relationship and had a baby.  Should I even bring it up and ruin all of our progress, should I leave, or should I just ignore it?  I'm very torn, he can tell something is wrong with me and he get upset when I tell him nothing is wrong because I have a history of holding things in.  He refuses to go to counseling... Any and all advice will be welcomed...

To give you a brief summery of our history, we have been together 11 years and have a few children together.

It happened over 2 years ago and since then you have worked on your marriage problems and had a baby.  So that means you want this relationship to work.  So why would you leave him now? Yes it was wrong to happen but you have gone beyond that and you can't change the past at all.  You can't hold it in either because that will cause you more problems. What I would suggest is that you go to a counselor as an individual to see if you can work beyond it. If you do hold things in then write it out and sometimes it helps.  Maybe have him read it and maybe not the choice is yours.  It is hard to go through but it is something that you do have to do.

Quoted


 

My relationship with my husband has been rocky for the past four years, he went on a deployment two years ago and I suspected he cheated on me while there.  I confronted him and of course he denied it, he also made it seem like I was the one with the problems.  I found chat logs from him recently that confirmed he did cheat, but since then we have worked on our relationship and had a baby.  Should I even bring it up and ruin all of our progress, should I leave, or should I just ignore it?  I'm very torn, he can tell something is wrong with me and he get upset when I tell him nothing is wrong because I have a history of holding things in.  He refuses to go to counseling... Any and all advice will be welcomed...

To give you a brief summery of our history, we have been together 11 years and have a few children together.

This is a tough situation. Many people can offer you advice- counselors, friends, lawyers, etc. but only you know what you really want. If you cherish your relationship with your husband, if being with him and having a healthy relationship is important to you- then this is the goal for you to work toward. It will take both of you being honest, honest about what has happened and honest about what you want going forward, to make this work. It will not be easy- but people can go through this and come out the other side with an even stronger relationship. Communication will be key, counseling may need to be part of that, perhaps going to a Strong Bonds retreat (or something similar) may be a good idea for the two of you. A piece of advice I have heard offered to others going through this that makes sense to me is that moving forward means putting the past in the past and not throwing it in the offender's face every time they do something to upset you. Forgiving does not mean forgetting- but it does mean you are willing to let it be left in the past and to focus on the future. I wish you all the best.

 
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