Of all the things about military life that could break a person… I am realizing that the thing I never thought would get into my head and heart and start to wear on my soul is doing just that. I am here to tell you that I am tired. I am weary. I am finding it harder and harder to find silver linings and put a positive spin on how I am feeling. And the worst part about it is how guilty I feel. You see, my husband is home. He cannot deploy for another year and has not been able to for the past two years. So I should be happy, right? What in the world could be so upsetting to me when I know tons of military spouses who only see their husbands or wives on Skype? What, other than constant worry about my husband’s safety while he is at war could be bringing me to my knees?
Location. Location might just be the thing about military life that does me in, folks.
When we got orders to Arizona, I was delighted. My husband was deployed at the time and I was ready to have him home. I remember fondly saying that I did not care where they sent us, as long as he was home. They could send us to the depths of hell and it would be okay as long as we were eating dinner together and sleeping in the same bed. Be careful what you wish for.
I know some people who adore the desert. They love the climate, it is beautiful to them, and they really enjoy all of the outdoor activities. And when we moved here I tried to love it. I really did. Mountains can be a beautiful sight, and we are surrounded by them. Certainly it would be great not to have humidity soaking your skin every second of the day and to experience a dry heat. Turns out dry heat is still hot. Also turns out that my body hates not having humidity and is trying to make me as miserable as possible so I will run away to the beach several times a year. The body has won. Every chance I get I am on a plane headed for somewhere with some moisture in the air.
I have always been that person that said “Your duty station is what you make of it. You will only be miserable if you allow yourself to be miserable.” I may owe some folks an apology. I still believe that you can make the most of wherever the military sends you… but I am now admitting that sometimes it is really hard and despite your best efforts to the contrary, you may just plain hate a certain duty station. Don’t get me wrong… we love the people here. Fort Huachuca is a great post, the schools are good, and I don’t mind the surrounding town at all. I don’t need a big town, small actually suits me just fine.
But as much as I think the mountains look nice on certain days and I am still amazed at how big the sky looks here… I can’t see a lot of beauty. I need tall trees and lots of green… and a proximity to the ocean. As a dear friend of mine says, “We have lots of beach here in AZ… we just don’t have any of the water and waves part”. I need the water and waves part.
We just got back from our summer vacation to Eastern North Carolina where we spent 8 days at the beach. The night before we were leaving I stood on the balcony listening to the waves and sobbed. Ugly tears. It is not just the beach. It’s not even North Carolina. True, we spent 8 years there between 2 different tours. It is that I miss that feeling of being “home”.