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7 New Year’s Resolutions I Promise I’ll Never Even Start

I really dig this time of year.

And by dig, I definitely mean that I really dig myself into a big crater-sized hole with all those resolutions I tell myself I’ll make.

Turning those calendar pages to a fresh, new year makes me feel like an epic do-over is in order (which is probably a good idea and should be doctor-mandated since I spent Christmas break literally eating my weight in cinnamon rolls). Fitness, weight loss, time management, personal development, family time, spousal time. Bleh. It all sounds incredibly time-consuming and super boring.

However, according to 31 years of personal history based on currently unbeatable stubbornness, I can be sure of a one thing: I have a healthy list of plenty of resolutions I won’t even bother starting. Why? Because I’m lazy and stubborn, and I hate it when people tell me what to do, especially when that person is myself. (I’m clearly a late bloomer in emotional maturity.)

So here you have it: 7 resolutions that I’ll never even start:

1. I will wash my hair every day.

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Startin’ big, huh? See, if I start washing my hair more often, then I’ll need to brush it more often, which means I’ll have to find my brush, which really means I’ll have to go BUY a brush, which means I’ll have to go to Sally’s Beauty Supply, which means I’ll see all the shampoo, which will only serve to remind me that I need to wash my hair. It’s like that book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, only it’s If You Try and Help Kiera Improve her Personal Hygiene Routine. Sounds like a real tanker. Boooo.

2. Since I care so deeply about my health, I will stop drinking diet soda.

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But I won’t because I do care about my health: my mental health, which is kept plump and happy by a daily dose from my friend, Dr. Pepper. And, plus, I once sat next to a stranger on a plane who told me she was a doctor (so, duh, I clearly believed her), and she also told me that I’d have to drink an insane amount of diet soda per day to be affected by the aspartame intake (is that a challenge?). We became fast friends and clinked our plastic cups of Coke Zero together in aspartame solidarity.

3. I’ll clean my baseboards every week.

What are baseboards? Are they in my house? I thought that was a boring sport I signed my kid up for.

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