Editors Note: This piece was incredibly difficult for the writer to finish. In fact, they almost decided not to submit it for publishing. Because even though it is anonymous, just like all of our other pieces in this series, the writer knew this might not be well-received. But they finally decided that others might just be feeling the same way…and that was worth any criticism that might come from publication. Please keep that in mind as you read and comment.
I am tired. I am over this thing we call “military life.”
Right off the bat I can hear the comments. “You knew what you were getting into,” “What do you have to complain about…you are not the service member,” “Suck it up, Buttercup.”
And all those comments make me want to punch a hole through the wall. This white wall that I am staring at, in a place that is supposed to feel like home because “home is where the heart is” or some other well-meaning cliche.
But this doesn’t feel like home. At all.
I have been a military spouse since many reading this were in diapers. I was a spouse before 9/11 … a young spouse then, new to military life and full of positivity and an eagerness to embrace this strange new world I married into.
Even years after the towers fell, I was still optimistic. That first war-time deployment was hard, but my fellow military spouses saved me.
We saved each other.
Re-connecting with my husband was a bit challenging, but nothing we couldn’t handle. He was home alive… and that was all that mattered, right?
The first couple of PCS moves brought tears to my eyes … but the kids adjusted well and we all made new friends and it was an adventure. I was getting the hang of re-arranging our stuff to fit a new place. I knew all the tips and tricks about how to make a move go smoothly. I tried not to be too upset if something was damaged. It happens … and they are just things after all.
Our immediate family was together and that was the most important thing in the world.
I don’t know exactly when the shift happened.
It kind of feels like a gradual thing … each deployment, each TDY, each PCS move, each homecoming … all chipped away at me. Wore my skin thin. Made me more tired by the minute.
And now, I just feel weary … all of the time.