4. I will use my time more wisely by refraining from binge-watching Netflix.

This seems excessive. More like I will use my time wisely BY binge-watching Netflix.


5. I’ll keep in shape by doing Zumba.


I know that this is particularly sacrilegious for you devout fitness babes out there, but I think I’ll keep my hip-shakin’ to myself. Choosing to openly jostle around my particularly uncoordinated middle-aged mom bod and flopping some sag-a-licious jiggles around in bright, bright lights sounds like just the boost I need to pack up all my stuff and leave town without a forwarding address.

6. I’ll put on real pants (with a genuine waistband) every day.

This is poppycock. And modern-day torture.


7. I will cherish every moment as real, unadulterated joy.


No, nope, I won’t. I’m going to get grouchy when I run out of soda (as evidenced by my obvious addiction), I’m going to yell at my babes when they use their baby sister as a trampoline, and I’m going to string together copious swear words when big trucks with lights ablaze tail my old van. Afterwards, I’ll call my children together to help them understand about unchecked rage and aggression.

But, hey, I will resolve one thing: I will try so, SOOO hard to stop spoiling movie endings for people because I am LITERALLY. THE. WORST.

Happy New Year, friends. Here’s to well-planned resolutions, pants without waistbands, and plenty of diet soda.


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