I vividly remember the first time I heard the phrase “seasoned spouse” in a military forum. And fighting the urge to look behind me to see who the speakers were referring to.
Seasoned? Me?
Well, wasn’t that a polite way of saying, “Bless your heart honey, you’re old!” But that reality came crashing down as I looked around the room, and saw that by pure childbearing math, some of the newest spouses and military members could realistically be sons or daughters.
Those same young faces from that memory reflected back at me as I sat in my new university classroom as a “seasoned student” going back to school for a master’s degree.
The giggles were unmistakable as I pulled my old, but reliable, white clamshell MacBook circa 2008 out of my bag. Hey – if it still worked, why replace it, right? It groaned as it powered on, eliciting a fresh round of stifled laughter from my peers. I was firmly the oldest student in the class, bested only by the professor.
In the bravado of youth, the guy sitting next to me burst out laughing – pointed at my laptop, announcing to the class, “I didn’t know they still made those things!” He was the instant comedian, me – a humiliated bystander.
If not for a twist of fate, the initial embarrassment of that day would’ve skewered my heart and self-esteem. Instead, I was reminded that we seasoned spouses have survived and experienced a lot.
That particular class happened to be a financial modeling course, where the curriculum and assignments would be heavily reliant on Microsoft Excel. The professor announced this, adding, “for those of you with Macs – you’re going to need another solution, because the Excel formulas we’ll be building – are really only going to work with Windows.”
I heard groans and sighs as many around me clapped their newest MacBook Air’s shut. My “frat-daddy” neighbor slumped and sulked in his chair.
Being ready for Plan B? Spouses – this is where we shine, especially we, the seasoned! In that moment, I knew as a seasoned spouse I had some hard-won survival tips tucked under my sleeves, courtesy of Uncle Sam himself.
I hadn’t gotten rid of my ancient laptop for several reasons. One, I’m frugal. Uncle Sam always encouraged that with things like per diem allowances, DITY moves, and perhaps forgetting to turn on BAH for a new assignment to keep us on our financial toes. Two, I’ll streamline and simplify anything I can, as Uncle Sam also loves throwing wrenches in even the best laid of plans.
So, although I personally liked Mac’s better, I’d learned having both a Mac and a PC on one laptop came in handy for occasions like PCSing and needing to access military systems that stubbornly only worked on Windows.
My neighbor gaped at my computer screen – as I clicked a few buttons, and transformed my ancient MacBook into a PC as I restarted it with a program called Windows Bootcamp. Then I simply opened up Excel in Windows, and realized over half the class now viewed me with a renewed curiosity.
I certainly didn’t consider myself aged or wise by any stretch of the imagination – but over the years, the military lifestyle had actually tucked quite a few secret weapons and survival tips into the arsenal. Ones that became indispensable as I transitioned from a seasoned spouse to a seasoned student.
Building a New Academic Support Network
Just like the military, life happens – and having a good support network can be a saving grace when times get hard. Consciously start building your new academic network early – before you need help. Virtually, or on-campus, ensure you are reaching out with your fellow students, and professors, to build those connections.
Don’t forget support staff too. Librarians and tech support are a wealth of information, and can offer some serious muscle when it comes to research and navigating tech systems.
The Power of a Plan B
In the military, most of us are all too familiar with Murphy’s Law, and having our lives completely re-arranged on a dime. In an academic setting – I quickly learned that planning for Murphy worked just as well in the classroom.
Most assignments are now submitted via an electronic system, such as Blackboard or Canvas – including any presentations you may have to give.
Murphy is a rough teacher, so I also began emailing those files to myself, popping them on a thumb drive, and just in case, bringing two printed hard copies to class, one for me – and one for the professor, if needed. For some reason, I was terrified of not turning in the assignment correctly, and getting hammered for it.
Inevitably, on the evening of a big presentation – the overhead projector died, and our assignment system failed to load. Not only did I get huge brownie points when I whipped out printed copies and a thumb drive – I also got a job offer at the end of the course. My professor shared that she always remembered that evening, and the strength of hiring a seasoned gal who had a back-up plan.
Thank you military, Murphy, and the power of a good Plan B.
Reset Expectations
If you haven’t already, mentally walk through what changes might you need to make to balance school with life. On the home front, think about what might need to shift with family members, your home and social life, and possibly work or volunteer expectations.
The “right” solution will be different for each family, but it’s an imperative discussion to have, and early. In addition to setting academic expectations for yourself – you’ll also need to set (and reset – I sure had to) new boundaries, as you’ll be adding the role and requirements of being a student into your life. https://www.militaryspouse.com/education/6-questions-to-ask-before-going-back-to-school/
Give Yourself Permission to Dream
Quite simply, as a “seasoned spouse” – you’re likely to encounter both cheerleaders … and toxic naysayers once you share your plan to go back to school, particularly an on-campus option. The puzzled, “Why’s?” might compete with, “But what about your own kids?” and “Hasn’t that ship already sailed?” snark.
Nastiness that seemingly comes out of left field, might well be a sign that your courage and new goals is making someone else uncomfortable – whether that means triggering an insecurity about themselves, or resentment that their demands upon you must change.
Pull the cheerleaders close to you, embrace their support, and do your best to distance yourself from any negativity, and snide remarks.
We are never too old to chase our dreams, no matter how lofty they may be.
Embrace a New Way of Learning with the Sharing Generation
Of the self-doubt and fears I had going back to school that of needing once known, but now forgotten knowledge, plagued me. I’d completed my prerequisites, but couldn’t help my mind from spinning into a frenzy. What if I needed that random formula from Algebra II, or heaven forbid Trig – which had long been forgotten?
Inevitably the day came, and it was building charts and graphs into Excel. For the life of me, I kept getting everything backwards. Mr. “Frat-Daddy” who was now an interesting ally and my computer lab partner – as he realized I knew a lot of cool, real-world things like how to do taxes, and shop for a mortgage (and had apologized profusely for being such a turd on day one) asked, “You looked on YouTube right?”
Wait, what? The thought of trying to find videos for the exact thing I was trying to do hadn’t crossed my mind. And it worked like a charm. Frat-Daddy just grinned when I blurted out, “That totally worked! Look at this!”
I still find it funny that he and I had been oh-so-quick to instantly write each other off day one – yet there we were, and separated by decades – me discussing chart plotting tutorials, and he, relationship advice on finding the ‘right one’.
And the whole while, learning unexpectedly from each other.
Transitions in life are never easy – and it takes true courage to willingly invite one into your world. If you find yourself facing the start of a new chapter in your life, as a seasoned spouse going back to school, I encourage you to take heart.
We, the seasoned, are truly stronger than we know.