By Katelyn N.
I was the baby in my family. It was just my brother and me, and he was four years older. During high school, when he decided to pursue going to West Point, I had no idea what that meant. Both my grandpas were veterans, but I had zero experience with anything military.
Fast forward a few years and my brother got into West Point. I was lucky enough to go up there a couple times with my parents. After being exposed to that life (and I mean, really, it was the cute cadets), I decided I wanted to marry a man in the military. I had no clue how I was really going to marry a man in the military, but I knew in my heart it was something that was going to be important to me in the future. Fast forward another four years and I was in college, in a tiny (and I mean TINY) university in Arkansas. David and I met in the first few weeks as freshmen. He was in ROTC. We were friends for a long time before we started dating (and by a long time I mean a year), but turns out the military spouse life had really been written in the stars for me.
We are coming up now on seven years in the military. I have zero concept of civilian life as an adult, but I do know military life. Ever since we have had a relationship, Dave and I have always been invested in the day to day of each other’s lives. We like to rehash our days together. And not to sound depressing, but my days over the last seven years have been very mundane.
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since before he commissioned into the Army. I was a stay-at-home mom while he was still in college. So, I have invested a lot of my life and energy into his world. You may call me one of those annoying spouses who knows a lot about what’s going on in the unit and company. And I don’t mean that in a catty, gossipy, personal business way, but more of an empathetic way, because I have listened every day for the past seven years about what goes on in my husband’s days.
For years, his life and Army functions have been my only connection with life outside of these walls. As I write this, it makes me a little sad, but it is my reality and I enjoy being so involved in the military life. So here I am.
Today, I wanted to share with you some things I wish I knew before becoming a military spouse. I am sharing these because these are things we have all experienced. We can all relate on some level to them, and I believe there is a lack of owning up with how hard this life is and connecting on that level. We all have so much in common regardless of rank, location, years of experience, or personal success.
1: FRGs aren’t what I had expected
Before we were in the Army, I had these grandiose ideas of what FRGs would be like. I was going to make all my best friends there and we were going to hang out all the time at cocktail hours. Everyone was going to want to be involved and everyone would be accepted. We were going to call each other for moral support and share our lives together. If you’ve ever seen We Were Soldiers, you get the picture.
My very first unit experience with an FRG couldn’t have been further from the truth. When we arrived at our first unit after BOLC, no one was there to welcome us into the unit or tell me dos and don’ts. In fact, no one reached out ever. It took weeks and weeks of me begging my husband to find a way for me to contact the FRG.
Finally, I got on the email list and I volunteered for my first event. I asked a dear friend to babysit my daughter so I could go and focus on volunteering. I got lost trying to find the event. I called the only phone number I had and they weren’t answering, so I was pretty frazzled by the time I arrived. It was a huge post-wide event. After finally getting to the event location, I walked around trying to find the unit table. I don’t know how long I walked around, and I lost count of how many people I asked for help. I never found that table. Feeling completely defeated, I left. I drove back to my friend’s house and picked up Mia. I spent money on a babysitter, drove for two hours, and the worst part was no one ever noticed I didn’t show. No one ever called me and they never even knew what I went through that day. I never gave up on FRGs though. I have always been involved in the FRGs at my husband’s unit. I couldn’t wait to be an FRG leader. (I am an FRG leader now, but that’s a different story for another time.)
2: It is so hard to make friends
When I was in college my best friend’s name was Sara. Sara was only going to attend the university for two years because she was transferring to nursing school after that. One day, we were riding in her car and we had another girl with us. I will never forget what she said. She told Sara, “I don’t want to invest any time in being friends with you because you will be leaving soon.”
I couldn’t believe what she said and thought it was incredibly rude. But I think that mentality is prevalent in the military community. We all know that at some point we will all move away. Sometimes, it is easier to keep our distance from people who will be PCSing soon than investing in yet another relationship that will leave us abandoned.
You would think it would be so easy to connect with people because our lives are so similar. But honestly, this life can bring out the worst in people. Feelings of resentment, negativity, and apathy take over in a lot of people. And not to mention that the Army can be very cut-throat. Competition amongst peers can make it difficult to be vulnerable with people to make friends. Sprinkle in the invisible hierarchy of rank, and it becomes even more difficult! Spouses don’t wear rank and I don’t care if your husband is an E-1 or O1, it doesn’t matter to me.
However, to some people it does matter. And you never know how people feel about it so that also makes it harder to be vulnerable. Anxiety, depression, stress, and addiction are extremely prevalent within this community. It isn’t fun to talk about, but it is true. When you are a victim of one of these ugly disorders, you aren’t interested in finding and investing in friends. That is a very ugly truth in this life. Plus, stigmas associated with these disorders are still very negative. But, I do think public acknowledgment is getting better, as it should. I guarantee we have all experienced a degree of one or more of these, and it would be much better if we all accept that truth.
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