Getting married can feel like a whirlwind romance or a tornado, depending on the pressure and people involved. Add a dash of getting married while in the military, and it’s easy to wonder why you didn’t elope. Do you need real silverware? Do you want to get married in a church? There are hundreds of questions to answer when getting married, and you may wonder what won’t be as important 10 years down the line. Here are six vital questions to ask yourself and your soon-to-be spouse before the big day.
1. What are your preferences?
Expectations can create what might not be your dream wedding. Are real flowers your Grandma’s preference, even though you are allergic? Is your dad insisting on a fancy dinner when you’d rather have a small barbeque in the backyard? Is your mom exhilarated about passing down the family ring, but your fiancée prefers a lab-created sapphire?
Take time to navigate preferences between the two of you. Maybe you want to get married in the temple, but your fiancée wants an outdoor wedding. Look for ways to compromise, and remember, at the end of the day: This is your wedding, meaning yes, you can say “no” to the bluegrass band your cousin plays in.
2. What are your reasons for wanting a wedding and marriage?
Marriage is not the only avenue for legal partnerships and you may want to explore other options with your partner. Raina, a civilian, desired a traditional marriage and wedding, but her partner didn’t. After reviewing their reasons, she shared, “We ended up getting a domestic partnership which gave us the same rights as a marriage, and I legally changed my name. We had a small party with friends to celebrate. I would have liked the big wedding with the dress, but I wasn’t willing to push my partner into something he didn’t want just for my happiness.” Follow what feels true to you as a couple.
3. How do we communicate?
Poor communication can cause issues before, during, and after a wedding. Can you get pre-marital or couple’s counseling to walk through your relationship? Figuring out how to problem solve and discuss without attacking one another will serve you well. Taking space and going to therapy may also reveal that you aren’t right for each other. As scary as some realizations can be, marriage is a lifetime commitment. The rush of military life makes some harmful red flags easy to overlook. Take the time to be honest about whether or not getting married is the best idea.
4. Does this marriage need to happen right now?
It’s easy to breeze past if this wedding needs to happen now. Are you rushing into this because the military is moving your fiancée overseas? Are you feeling the pressure to say yes because of impending orders? What would it look like to wait a year? A courthouse wedding can be perfect for what you need if the weight of planning a day with 100 of your closest friends a month before you need to PCS feels like it’s going to crush you. You are always allowed to say, “This is not the right time or place.”
5. What would you like to avoid?
This question may feel odd, but it’s helpful to know what you don’t want, to get closer to what you do want. Did you eat a stale granola bar while waiting three hours for dinner at the reception of your friend’s wedding while they took photos at the park? Don’t want to put your guests through the same torture? Do pictures before the ceremony, so you can go straight from “I do” to “let’s eat!” If weight fluctuation has you nervous, a dress with a corset may feel more supportive. If you could barely hear at an outdoor wedding, make sure you have a speaker system set up so even Great-Aunt Dolores can listen to you.
6. How do your life views impact your wedding?
You may be of different faiths and have varying ideas about the ceremony. If you are from two different cultures, are there ways to blend traditions? Who will officiate? Not all houses of faith will allow you to be married within their walls if either of you doesn’t share their doctrine. If the typical pattern doesn’t interest you, look up alternative wording for blessings, poems, and vow possibilities. Honest planning and discussion ahead of time can save later frustration.
Remember, your partner is on the same team as you, and any choices you make can bring you closer together instead of driving you apart. When you ask these questions and answer them honestly, they will guide you and your fiancée closer to a wedding that feels true to you both.