By Crystal Bettenhausen-Bubulka, LCSW, MSG
For many military families with school-aged children, summer equates to no school. Kids all around the country are joyfully celebrating summer vacation. While I love the iconic chants about not having teachers and the theme song about 104 days of summer vacation, I must be honest. I don’t enjoy summer like I used to, and I have mixed emotions about my lackluster approach to my kids being home all summer.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a summer girl through and through. I grew up in North Dakota, where summer meant the snow had finally melted. It meant long days at the community swimming pool and the tri-county fair. Summer meant that Tilly’s drive-through, the small-town seasonal restaurant with the most delicious soft-serve ice cream and multi-colored polka dots painted all over, was finally open for the season. The sun would not set until well after 10 pm, and the days included drinking out of a water hose and lazy afternoons on the porch swing. It couldn’t have been more iconic.
This is why I feel so much conflict in my own emotions. Like most parents, I want our kids to have similar experiences during summer. Summer was always a good reset, a break from academics, and a time to enjoy family and Otter Pops. We didn’t worry about the “summer slide” in our reading, nor did we worry about the sugar content in all those yummy frozen treats. I doubt my parents were concerned about summer camp registration in early February, and everyone went to swim lessons.
Of course, this is my perspective looking back upon my childhood. I am certain there was summer stress for my parents when we were kids at home. In fact, I vaguely remember my mom hopping in the car while my brother and I were up in a tree. The dust was kicked up as she sped down the gravel road, likely because kids at home during the summer finally got on her last nerve. But again, as kids, we had little worry; it was just one endless day of adventure after another. The only thing that came around to ruin it was the new academic school year.
The last two weeks have had me reflect greatly on my childhood. I will be dramatic for a moment and share that the last two weeks of school are the most exhausting weeks of the year. Because we were unsure of summer PCS’ing (Permanent Change of Duty Station), we didn’t plan for summer camps. We were not sure what our summer schedule would look like, and with many camps not offering refunds, it was a pricey move to book our summer camps in advance. The issue for many military families is just that—we do not have a crystal ball to gaze into regarding our summer plans. Deployments, relocations, and temporary assignments can significantly impact summer plans. The second issue is the cost.
For summer camps in Southern California, the price can run anywhere from $250-$500 per week for one child. If you need a full-day camp, you can easily spend around $1,000 for a couple of kids, and even with full-day, the hours are not typical to school hours, so there will need to be some flexibility for the working parents. Some may start at 8:30 am, and some at 9:00 am. For our family, it took my spouse and I both rearranging our schedules to accommodate the camps and because we have kids a few years apart, even the half-day camps were held at different times, with one child in the morning and the other in the afternoon. Week one of summer camp left us both completely depleted. As much as our kids enjoyed the camp, we dreaded the remaining seven weeks of summer vacation. Week two, we attempted to regroup. We increased our Sunday night communication to better plan for the week. This week, both girls would be at a morning half-day camp. However, I messed up the times, thinking the camp started at 8:30 am when the official start time was 9:00 am.
Our kids would spend only 2.5 hours away from us for five days. At the end of day four, I can report that I got nothing done all week. I sat in traffic most of the time and almost cried when my 8-year-old jumped into the car to tell me they watched part of a movie at camp. With only 2.5 hours, I felt cheated. Movie time during the summer was highly coveted for me to get work done without interruption. Why was the overpriced summer camp showing a movie? It wasn’t raining, and there was no heat advisory. I was baffled.
What I noticed over the last couple of weeks was that we were not alone. Many friends shared the same gripes. Checking in with friends on the East Coast, I learned that the summer camps were similar—very short in length and expensive. My clients reported the same. I discovered it wasn’t uncommon for a dual-income family to drop $10,000 on summer camps for multiple children. I also learned that things like swimming lessons had waitlists. Base swimming pools cut family swim times due to budget cuts and lifeguard shortages, and many pools did not even open due to high upkeep costs. In my own community, our beaches were often deemed unsafe to swim in due to polluted water. What are we supposed to do with our kids?
I started brainstorming with my spouse about solutions. First and foremost, summer camp reform. While that might be a pipe dream, it is something that I wish was addressed at a local, state, and even national level. I couldn’t help but think about all the military kids who could not attend camps. Even if subsidized, camps are limited; there are only so many spaces to hold camps and only so many camp staff. That also brought up our concerns regarding the large age range of many of the camps. Several went from first to fifth grade, and the ratio of kids to adults at summer camps was not nearly as scrutinized as school or childcare facilities. For kids with more unique needs and for our EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) families, complex needs make camps even more difficult, if not impossible, to find. Something I would like to see put on the agenda for military family programming would be ways to address the issues associated with finding affordable summer camps for military families. If you feel the same, it doesn’t hurt to start sharing stories of summer childcare struggles; this does a few things: it highlights the challenges that so many dual-working military families are experiencing while also finding validation and realizing that you might not be as alone as you feel.
It’s okay to have mixed feelings about summer. It’s OK to have anxiety, fear, and even anger. It is also perfectly reasonable to ask for help. Is there a neighbor who can trade kids for a bit? Maybe they help out with your kids a few days a week, and you help them out a few days a week. Are there tweens or teens who can become First Aid-certified babysitters to work as mother/father helpers? Is it possible to use leave and split the summer up with fun local stay-cation activities? Our family has decided to get a bit more creative and take the summer one week at a time so we don’t overwhelm ourselves.
A few things that we found helpful and will be committing to doing for the rest of the summer include making a box lunch for each kid each morning. This makes it easy for them to grab during my online client visits and ensures I remember to feed them. We also moved around some of the toys. To encourage creativity, we put down an artificial grass mat and organized the Legos. The garage is now where they can retreat with friends to build and not worry about having to clean up each night or risk the Roomba destroying their new build. We also found a summer swim league that has practice for 1.5 hours five days a week. The start time is late afternoon, so I can drop off, and my spouse can meet them to bring them home. Our girls are eight and eleven, so we can leave them for a bit and tag team throughout the day. This helped give us a few hours of transition time.
Organizations like United Through Reading have fun summer activities to boost interest in reading. They also have tips on how to encourage a summer reading routine. I found a few large wardrobe boxes from some new neighbors who had just received their HHGs, and my kids spent an entire day submerged in coloring and designing a cardboard box to reflect their favorite books. The National Military Family Association has Operation Purple Summer Challenge. These virtual challenges go on for eight weeks, encouraging creativity and different age-appropriate individual projects. The local library can also be an excellent resource for story times, kid and teen summer reading challenges, and a place to meet new friends who have just moved. I also suggest calling the local community center and inquiring about waitlists and if there are last-minute openings. Last but not least, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
These are just a few ideas to help manage the chaos of summer. Remember, it’s important to take care of yourself too. Find what works best for your family and don’t be afraid to adjust as needed. Summer should be a time for everyone to enjoy, including you.
Crystal Bettenhausen-Bubulka is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, mom to three daughters, and active duty Navy spouse. Crystal writes about topics related to mental health, grief, and military life. As a licensed clinical social worker and grief recovery specialist, she often focuses on issues like grief recovery, depression, PTSD, and the emotional challenges faced by military families. Her work includes providing therapeutic support for individuals dealing with loss, aging concerns, and trauma, particularly within the context of military service and its impact on families.Crystal’s writing and therapeutic approach emphasize the importance of finding healing and purpose amidst difficult life transitions. She uses various therapeutic techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to help her clients navigate these challenges. Her articles often provide insights and advice on how to manage the unique stressors faced by military spouses and families, and she advocates for the mental health needs of this community (Hello Alma) (TherapyDen).