My nail scraped alongside my son’s dresser to peel off the little blue sticker I found while putting away his laundry. It reminded me that the dresser was the 72nd item wrapped and packed onto a truck away from our first home. That home was chosen for me by the Marine Corps. When I thought of San Diego before meeting my active-duty Marine spouse, I pictured a luxurious vacation with its palm trees, perpetual sunshine, and gleaming coast. The military changed that—San Diego now reminded me of lonely nights, existing on constant alert, and salty tears. But we had now completed our time in the military. Like the dresser, I transitioned from one spot to another in a matter of seconds with no time to process. I didn’t have a little blue sticker to showcase how I moved from an active-duty spouse to a civilian, but I decided to number the ways I processed our change.
Feel to Heal
I naturally shove emotions down like my husband packs his gear into his bags. At first, this process helped me along the way. Oh, there’s a deployment coming up in 3 months? Stuff it down. My husband won’t be there for our first son’s birth? This is fine. From the outside, I kept my cool. I knew I didn’t have time or space to check in with the next major event because I wanted my husband to focus on the mission. He didn’t have time for me to process major emotions during this time—or so I thought.
Eventually, like my husband’s gear, my various emotions tumbled out. I could no longer roll along. The first week after arriving in our first-ever civilian home, I sobbed. I sat on the ground and let the tears flow out of me. During that time, I journaled words of frustration, prayers of lament, and scribbled notes of anguish. The more I released everything onto paper, the more I released built-up tension from living the hard life of being a military spouse.
Ask for Support
It may appear honorable to sacrifice much of your life without as much as a thank you, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t difficult. The simple act of admitting how being a military spouse is challenging does not make anyone weaker or not in need of care. This type of confession helps us realize that we require help and support.
When we confess our needs, we can begin to rally a support system that will take care of us along the way. Asking for simple things such as meals, childcare, or even having a friend come to spend time is the beginning of healing during the transition period. Focus on cultivating a support system during this time, whether living close to family members or close friends, finding a counselor, or a supportive church community. A great deal of healing can occur when others serve our families after we have devoted our time and spouses to our country.
Gratitude and Eventual Healing
Healing doesn’t happen overnight—it’ll take time. The missed birthdays, anniversaries, soccer games, and more will remain missed, but we don’t have to remain in a mental space to lament all that was lost. We can move on. We can grow. We can number the ways our time as a military family refined our relationships and strengthened our character.