I recently wrote about my husband’s affair and how we were working through it together in the piece, “Spouse Confessions: The Aftermath of My Husband’s Affair.” and I’m sure you’ve noticed all of the backlash that came from it. I’ve processed a lot of these comments and I wanted to clarify my message for the readers and commentators.
I appreciate Military Spouse® for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings and tell my own story. It’s therapeutic in a sense to see in words how my life has drastically changed through this experience, the good and the bad of it.
I mentioned in the last piece that I am not absolving my husband of his responsibility of the affair. I wholeheartedly mean that. However, this was my side of the story to share. I can only work on and discuss my own issues. I can’t and won’t address for him his responsibilities or the “why’s” that are his to share.
For this reason, my piece was centered on my specific faults within our marriage: my lack of intimacy due to the fact that that as military spouses, we are often told we must not share everything and keeps things to ourselves to be a “good spouse” and lessen the stress on our service members. The theology of what a good spouse is must be done away with, and that was my point there. Again, that doesn’t mean it was all my fault.
My husband was completely at fault in his own ways.
So many commenters seemed concerned that I seek individual counseling, and I appreciate that. I have been seeing a therapist for years and continue to do so. She has been the cornerstone in helping me to work through this grief process. She has recommended books, podcasts, and sends me home with homework after each meeting. She makes me cry and analyze and she is the best therapist I have ever worked with because she really pushes me. I would encourage, just as many of you have, any spouse in a similar situation to seek help – we don’t have to do this on our own!
I stated that my husband allows me to grieve, which upset many of you. What I meant by this, is that he openly listens to all of my feelings and concerns. As we all know, it’s easy to become defensive when someone is telling you all the reasons you’ve failed them, even when we are actually in the wrong. When my pain boils over into fits of rage and name calling, he takes it. When I cry that, “He is supposed to be my protector, not the one that brings me hurt,” he cries too.
This is a learning process for both of us; neither of us have been in this position before. Real life is raw, often unromantic, and we learn as we go.
The purpose of sharing my story, while it may not have been communicated well, was to encourage you as my fellow military spouses not to hold back in your marriages. Be present and allow your spouse the privilege of being present too. My responsibility was that I wasn’t doing that and I wish looking back that someone would have shared this honesty with me, instead of simply saying what a “good spouse” should do. Thank you for allowing me to share my story; I hope it encourages you to open up and share yours, because we’re all in this together.