Another Birthday Alone

If you have a military kid, chances are they've had to spend at least one birthday without their Service Member parent. Some have to go through it more than one. Others are lucky enough to never have that experience, but it's not an easy thing to have a big day without one of your parents home to celebrate with you. Both of my kids have had to live through this unpleasant experience on more than one occasion.

My son has only had his dad here two out of six birthdays and my daughter has spent the last two without her dad here as well. I can't fully understand the sadness this can bring because I was not raised in a military home; I do watch the sadness of my kids' faces in the days leading up to their birthdays when they talk about their dad missing their big day. Below are a few things we've come up with to make birthdays without their dad a bearable thing for our kids.

1| Distraction

Before becoming an Air Force family, I never would have imagined myself saying this, but when you spend several holidays in a row without your spouse home for the kids to spend time with him/her on birthdays, you start to see the value in spoiling them a little in their big day. When their dad is gone, I try to do something extra special on birthdays. Even if it's a bit more money than we typically spend on a party, I'm willing to fork over the extra dough since my kids have to be missing their dad during what is supposed to be a celebration.

My husband and I also always shop "together" via Amazon and FaceTime/Skype. This way we can tell the kids that, yes, their dad did help pick the gift out. It helps remind them that their dad is still thinking about them even though he's thousands of miles away.

2| Start a New Tradition

My kids love routine, and the promise of instituting a new tradition on their birthdays (and actually sticking to it year after year even if their dad is deployed) makes them so happy. The first year my husband was flying, he had an evening flight the night of our 6 year old daughter's birthday. Since he wasn't going to be home until well past bedtime, I was flummoxed over how to do cake and ice cream with her dad that day. Flexibility kicked in and a family tradition was born that my kids look forward to all year. We now have "breakfast birthday cupcakes" on everyone's birthday in our house. Flight, deployment and other live events aside.

My kids get to look forward to this tradition and it's something that they really enjoy. They even have taken it so far as to insist I have some sort of dessert for breakfast on my birthday, and they make it happen when their dad is gone on my birthday too. One year I woke up to candles in a batch of fudge and the kids overly excited about my breakfast fudge. Creating silly little traditions like this can aid in distraction but can also create really fun memories that will carry them through the years.

3| Keep the Service Member Involved

It's not always possible, but whenever you can, try to set it up so your kids have the chance to Skype with or talk with their deployed parent on or near their birthday. My daughter was thrilled when her dad used FaceTime to call her this year when she was having her birthday sleepover party. I would've thought she would've been a bit embarrassed to have to talk with her dad in front of her friends, but she carried my iPad around for about an hour telling him all the details about everything they had done so far that night.

Then at her family birthday party the next weekend, we coordinated times so he was able to watch when we sang to her and she blew out her candles. I've got more pictures of family members holding a FaceTime version of my husband for family events and photos than I care to count, but at least the kids get to still feel as though he's part of their everyday lives and special celebrations.

My husband and I also always shop "together" via Amazon and FaceTime/Skype. This way we can tell the kids that, yes, their dad did help pick the gift out. It helps remind them that their dad is still thinking about them even though he's thousands of miles away.

4| Trade Birthdays

This idea came around the 4th year in a row that my husband was going to miss our son's birthday. Our son was so devastated that it was going to happen again and my husband flippantly commented that he could "switch birthdays" with him (since my husband was going to be in town for his own birthday). The idea took off like wildfire. We're lucky that it's only 2 1/2 months between their birthdays, but you could also modify it so you traditionally celebrate half birthdays as well instead. So, the year they switched birthdays, we informed family that we were making the swap and we proceeded as though that was completely normal.

Our son's grandparents came into town to celebrate his birthday 2.5 months early and we ate our aforementioned birthday breakfast cupcakes. We celebrated by taking him to the closest thing to a theme park we have around here. He got presents from his extended family members that weekend too instead of waiting for his real birthday. All in all, we truly treated that day as though it was his. And, his dad was here which he still talks about how much he enjoyed. The flip side of that coin is that his dad graciously postponed his birthday two months to our sons original day. His extended family played along well too and mailed presents to him when he was deployed and postponed his birthday wishes until then too. It sounds like a really silly decision at first, but when we watched how much our son appreciated having his dad here for a birthday celebration, it made it completely make sense!

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