As a military spouse of nearly two decades, I’ve grown weary of a word that seems to permeate every conversation about our unique challenges: resilience. While well-intentioned, this term often conveys that Military Spouses must meet a certain survival standard. It inadvertently creates a false narrative, leaving many feeling inadequate for the demanding, heartbreaking, and unpaid job as a Military Spouse.
Military support organizations often emphasize “building resilience” in military families, addressing challenges with deployments and reintegration, along with grief, loneliness, and social isolation. The following writing proposes a language shift from resilience to anti-fragility to spark conversations within the military spouse community. By altering how spouses perceive themselves, we can dismantle walls built on shame, fear, and uncertainty, fostering connection, curiosity, and a better sense of well-being.
Individual resilience has been defined as the ability to bounce back after experiencing stress, with the definition assuming that stress negatively affects the well-being of individuals and that these individuals withstand stress through coping. Each service branch in the military has its own definition of resilience. Military spouses are often accredited with high levels of resiliency. Resilience, in its simplest form, highlights positive outcomes. Would it be assumed that the opposite of resilience would be a failure? What happens when a military spouse isn’t able to bounce back? Does this diminish their resilience if a spouse is grappling after a military order to move the family from one country to another? Does the perceived failure deter them from seeking help when needed? In my observations over the past several decades, the answer to all these questions is “yes”. Even more alarming is the insistence on achieving a certain level of resilience which may contribute to isolation, perpetuating loneliness within the Military Spouse community.
The Military Spouse community deserves a new language for self-identification, moving away from the traditional narrative tied to resilience. Military Spouses face challenges such as limited childcare, frequent moves, isolation from family, and barriers to health and mental health care, to name a few. Many spouses will struggle with their career- issues such as underemployment, and with a 21% unemployment rate, many educated spouses are left without a career even if they could find a job, they would find additional hurdles in securing affordable childcare, leaving many “stuck” and unable to support their household or find meaningful employment. Yet another challenge for many spouses, leading some to develop anxiety and depression. A shocking reality to many Americans is that in addition to the previous obstacles, military families struggle with hunger, with recent surveys noting one in four military families identify with food insecurity. Using the term “resilient” may inadvertently trivialize these issues or create a perception that success requires a predetermined level of toughness. No amount of “toughness” can make magical childcare fall from the sky, or award an educated spouse the perfect career fit. Toughness and hunger do not belong in the same sentence, and I would be willing to bet the majority of the people reading this won’t even begin to understand what it means to fall asleep hungry and have to face the reality and shame of walking into a food pantry to put breakfast on the table. If spouses are expected to be resilient but are encouraged to ask for help, there is an inherent contradiction in the message.
In understanding the limitations of resiliency theory through the lens applied throughout the service branches, resiliency has caused military spouses a multifaceted identity crisis. On one hand, it says we are strong and can withstand the changing tides, but on the other hand, it implies that if the tide challenges us and we need help and support, we are weak. This sends a message to military spouses of all backgrounds. If you reach out for support, you are admitting defeat. This theory can be applied to my previous research regarding military spouse perceptions of military spouse suicide; yes, ask for help if you need it, but do not under any circumstances ask for help if you have lost hope and really need help.
The term resiliency, when used to describe military spouses and their challenges, highlights a degree of ambivalence that many modern-day military spouses are tired of hearing. “Resilience fatigue” is a term to describe the utter exhaustion that military spouses are feeling after several decades of war and a heightened political climate that uses military families as pawns. Military Spouses want to be seen for their education, strength, and ability to survive in the wake of constant change, and their ability to be anything but fragile.
A new application is essential to move past the negative associations of resiliency theory. Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s notion of anti-fragility personality can be applied to describe the Military Spouse. The anti-fragile personality will pay attention when faced with radical uncertainty. The anti-fragile personality does not have a fixed mindset but instead a personality with a growth mindset, seeking new ideas in the face of uncertainty, in which learning takes place. In applying the big five personality traits, the anti-fragile personality is strong in openness, and conscientiousness has a degree of extraversion and a moderate degree of agreeableness and is low in neuroticism, which is defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings. The Military Spouse is anti-fragile.
Military families sacrifice alongside the active-duty service members. However, countless Black Swan events have taken place that have stretched the abilities of the Military Families. Black Swan events are unpredictable; they are unexpected and unknowable, pushing the Military Spouse to levels of stress that are incomprehensible. While we plan for deployment and reintegration and attempt to manage risk with strategic planning, the military population cannot predict Black Swan events, like 9/11 from occurring. In applying anti-fragile theory, however, military spouses can engage in growth mindset thinking and adapt to prepare for uncertainty while being transparent in capabilities and boundaries. This concept allows Military Spouses to identify and apply a theory that protects us from feeling the need to put unrealistic constraints on ourselves when an unexpected change occurs.
In military service, there is an abundance of unpredictability; applying a theory that is rooted in understanding phenomena and predicting things that we cannot plan for can allow us to not only to react but also explain how to manage new solutions for old problems.
The pressure to attain a badge of honor labeled “resilient” may lead spouses to internalize struggles, fearing judgment if they admit to feeling overwhelmed. Comments like “you just need to try harder” and “it will get better with time” only exacerbate the isolation. Embracing anti-fragility allows for a more realistic acknowledgment of challenges, encourages open conversations, and creates a supportive military spouse community. It’s time to redefine our narrative, understanding that strength lies in resilience and the ability to thrive amidst challenges – to be anti-fragile.
Applying a novel theory, such as the anti-fragility theory, allows for a new and emerging theory to apply worldly events and new concepts. It gives us a moment to realize that the last several decades have been challenging, and it is okay that our future remains uncertain. Anti-fragility theory can be applied to many of the issues and concerns noted previously in the research, defining some of the challenges that Military Spouses face, from social isolation to frequent deployments, unemployment, and Military Spouse suicide.
Applying a theory that can shift our mindset can allow for relationship rebuilding; the courage to connect, the confidence to be vulnerable, and the reality to see not only our combined strengths but our unique individuality. At its core, anti-fragile theory could allow for change and bridge social isolation to social connectedness. We can use anti-fragility theory to generate a change to eradicate social isolation in the military spouse population by breaking the barriers and acknowledging unpredictable things happen; however, that doesn’t mean we are broken.
