Note: This article contains triggering material about suicide. The views expressed in this article are the author’s views.
As a military spouse, I have encountered many challenges in my life. Some were small, some were really big. Some were easy to manage, but others were not. Out of those challenges that were not easy to manage, I can recount one that happened recently; a challenge that, up to this day, brings tears into my eyes, and sorrow into my soul.
I met SSG Thomas Omar* back in August 2013 in Africa while my family was stationed there. At that time, SSG Thomas was my husband’s subordinate. The moment I saw SSG Omar, I knew right away that we were going to be good friends. The thing is that, after the death of my only brother when he was only 27 years old, I found myself drawn to younger friends who, in my head, represented the brotherly figure that a drunk driver took away from me. When I met Thomas, we immediately became friends; maybe not best friends because we used to argue a lot about silly stuff, but definitely good friends.
I remember how, every morning, he came to visit me at my office on his way to the cafeteria. During his daily morning visits, he would tell me everything about his parties, the new girls he had met at the clubs, and sometimes, he even shared with me his pains and sufferings. You see, according to Thomas, he was raised in an extremely dysfunctional family. A family filled with drug and alcohol abuse. By the time Thomas got to me, he was secretly dealing with heartbreak, but a heartbreak not caused by an ex-girlfriend or anything like that. His heartbreak was caused by his own mother, who was a heroin addict and who chose the heroin over being a good mother. Thomas’ mind knew that heroin was to blame for his mother’s careless and dangerous behavior, but his heart couldn’t process the information the same way.
When I met Thomas, he seemed like a lost soul and, perhaps, that was the main reason why I immediately felt the need to be friends with him. What I never imagined on that day was that, six months later, I was going to find myself holding his hand next to his hospital bed while doctors were trying to save his life from a medication overdose and a self-inflicted cut to his median cubital vein, an injury that, by the time my husband found him lying in his bed, had made him lose 50% of his blood.
On that day, when I saw him lying on that hospital bed, all I could think of was how that kid was almost dying on that hospital bed and how his family, especially his mother, had no idea of the role they probably had played in his decision to take his own life. I know that this information is probably too strong for you guys to hear, but the reason I wanted to share it with you is because studies have concluded that 22 soldiers die by suicide each day, and this is something that, we as a community should be aware of because these suicides not only affect the lives of those who choose to end their lives; it also affects the lives of those around them. Individuals like you and me who care deeply for them.
Thomas was lucky that day. Those first responders, who found him in his bed, as well as those doctors at the hospital, saved his life. I still remember when I was taking care of him at the hospital. He looked so fragile and even when I knew he was out of danger, I still couldn’t shake the pain and terror of knowing that we almost lost him. Yes, Thomas was alive, but my heart was suffering and grieving the same way as if he had died on that day. Even up to this day, the thought of that cold and terrible day brings chills down my spine.
A couple of days after the day Thomas tried to end his own life, he was sent to DC to receive medical attention so that he could continue serving his country. I remember how we continued our friendship via Facebook. I would send him a message, and days later, I would receive a response. Until one day, I didn’t receive a response.
Days after sending Thomas a message, I received a response, but not from him. On that day, I received a phone call from another friend telling me that, this time, we had lost Thomas for good. On the day prior to that phone call, Thomas had taken his own life leaving us all in disbelief, and with more questions than the available answers.
September 15 of 2016 is a day I will never forget. On that day, I lost my friend, and with him, left my sense of security and a part of my heart. The truth is that I tried to help Thomas find his way, to stay out of trouble, to have a happy and enjoyable life, but I guess I didn’t do enough, and that is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Can you ever do enough?
Have you ever tried helping a bird with broken wings? Well, it has been proven that, sometimes, no matter how hard you try to help this bird mend its wounds, the wings usually never heal, leaving you with a sense of failure and a broken heart. And that, my friends, is exactly what happened to me with my friend Thomas. I was trying to fix a bird with broken wings, and the injuries on that bird were bigger than we all could have ever imagined. The wounds on that bird were old wounds, which he was still carrying around many years before without anyone knowing they were there.
There are days when I wish I had worked harder to help Thomas heal his wounds and be a happier person. But there are other days when I wish I had never met him because that would have been the only way I could have avoided being hurt by his sudden and tragic departure. But I can’t do any of that. Now is too late for the “what ifs.” And again, that’s something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
To you, Thomas, today I tell you, I am sorry. I am sorry for not being able to guide you better. I am sorry for not being there when you needed a shoulder to cry on. But mostly, I am sorry for not being able to help you fix your broken wings; wings that were broken way before you came into my life, but that I would have loved to help you fix before it was too late. Now, it’s too late. So, for that, in front of the whole world, I want to ask for your forgiveness. Rest in Peace, my friend.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255). If someone is threatening to kill themselves, don’t leave them alone. Call 911 or, if you can do it safely, take them to the nearest emergency room.
Marielys Camacho-Reyes formerly served for 13 years in the US Army, first as a Combat Medic and later on as a Human Resources Manager. She also served in the US Army for 21 years as a Badass Army Wife. She is currently a stay home mom trying to bring awareness to different important topics as a freelance writer.
*name changed for privacy