To do, or not to do is the question most every spouse will ask themselves at some point during their spouse’s military career; when is it, and when is it not acceptable to reach out to your spouse’s command?
Deciding if you should or shouldn’t approach your spouse’s command may take some deliberating thought. You might even seek out the wisdom of a seasoned spouse. Before you follow the advice of a well-intended spouse, first, do your homework—unless of course the issue at hand could be harmful or is an emergency.
First Stop: Family Resource Centers
At nearly every base there is a center dedicated to assisting families. Family resource centers offer a wide variety of services to help ensure military families have the necessary tools to ease stressors involved with military life. The valuable services and resources they offer, include:
- Life skills classes (i.e., new parenting, relationship building and budgeting)
- Non-medical counseling, and referrals if they can’t meet the needs of families seeking mental health services.
- Military spouse employment assistance (i.e., resume writing, interviewing skills and how to apply for federal employment).
- Classes for retiring and separating service members and their spouses to prepare them for transitioning back into the civilian world.
- Assistance in navigating childcare options, schools and youth services.
- New military spouse classes.
- Help families make smooth transitions when PCS’ing, or preparing for deployments.
- Area Orientation Briefings/Intercultural Relations, after you PCS to a foreign country.
The list goes on and on. Family resource centers should be the first stop you make when you move to a new installation. Familiarizing yourself with the services offered will help alleviate many questions you might have, and address any issues before involving your spouse’s chain of command. Chances are, you will find the answers to your questions by visiting your family resource centers. If not, they will guide you in the right direction and refer you to someone who can help you.
Second Stop: Your Command Ombudsman (Navy and Coast Guard), Key Spouse (Airforce), Family Readiness Coordinator (Marines), or Family Readiness Support Advisor (Army)
They are trained volunteers, appointed by their sponsor’s Commanding Officer to serve as conduits between commands and families. The programs were built on the foundation of bridging communication between families and commands to help both parties stay informed, and address the concerns of families.
Ombudsmen, Key Spouses, FRO’s and FRSA are extensions of the commands they serve. It’s important to understand, although they are civilian volunteers, they are required to follow strict confidentiality and reporting policies. Before reaching out to your command ombudsman, you should familiarize yourself with problems that would result in mandatory reporting. Your ombudsman, or their service branch counterparts, can refer you to resources if you wish maintain confidentiality.
If you’re debating which issues are appropriate or not, and need to be addressed by your command, here’s a list of examples:
Not Appropriate:
- Complain about your spouse’s duty, training or deployment schedule.
- The Commissary and Exchange won’t stock your favorite products.
- You’re sick of hearing your neighbor’s dog barking.
- Children riding their bikes and playing in your yard.
- Petty arguments between you and other spouses.
- You receive a speeding ticket on base, and think it’s unfair.
- You’re unhappy with your next set of orders.
- Your spouse is passed over for a promotion.
- You think your spouse is being overworked.
- You think a fellow military spouse in a different command living near you on base, might be cheating on her deployed husband.
- MWR ran out of free or discounted tickets to Disney on Ice.
- The base won’t promote your home-based business.
- Your spouse is failing physical fitness standards, and could be separated.
Appropriate (with the knowledge it may jeopardize your spouse’s career, or someone else’s; or involve law enforcement):
- Unresolved problems with base housing.
- You can’t reach your spouse who is deployed or training, and you or a loved one is requiring emergency medical care.
- A powerful storm hit. A large tree fell on your house causing major damage.
- You’re in the path of either a tropical storm or hurricane. You need to know when and where to evacuate, and your spouse is out of the country.
- A terrorist attack; mass shooting; a major accident involving service members; and/or the base is on lockdown, and you’re trying to get information on the status of your loved one.
- Suspect child abuse or neglect coming from a fellow military family.
- A fellow spouse in your command has been sharing and posting information violating OPSEC regarding an upcoming deployment.
- Someone you barely know is asking questions regarding sensitive information relating to your command or installation. They seem obsessed with military unit movements, trainings, deployments and asked if they can copy your military ID.
- You’re being targeted for fraud.
- Your spouse won’t give you access to funds necessary to care for yourself or your children.
- Estranged spouse isn’t paying child support.
- You’ve noticed someone taking photos of the security gates, restricted areas and certain vehicles.
- Your spouse has been threatening to harm themselves, you, your children, pets or co-workers.
- Your spouse is having violent outbursts at home, has become removed, you notice a change in their eating and sleeping habits, and they have lost interest in activities they once enjoyed.
- Your spouse’s drinking has become excessive, getting drunk almost every night, blacking out and hiding bottles from you. They won’t stop or cutback.
- You suspect the use of illegal drugs by your neighbors in base housing.
- You believe your spouse has a gambling problem, and you’re having difficulty paying rent and utilities.
- Urgent Red Cross messages needing to be communicated.
You may contact your command ombudsman for assistance that doesn’t require command involvement. If you’re new to the area, you can ask them about neighborhoods, schools, local attractions, restaurants and favorite recommendations on where to buy things for your new home. Don’t expect your ombudsman or command to intervene if your neighbors in base housing won’t pick up their dog’s droppings left in your front yard. They aren’t sounding boards to complain about trivial matters.