By: Brittany Nelson
U.S. Army Installation Management Command
In 2010, Cindy Hildner and her husband, Brig. Gen. Terry Hildner, the new Commanding General of the 13th Expeditionary Sustainment Command at Fort Hood, toured their newly assigned garrison. They stopped at the Survivor Outreach Services office and visited the Hall of Heroes, where the walls are covered with pictures of Fallen Soldiers. The next time Cindy Hildner saw that office was after her husband was killed in Kabul, Afghanistan.
Hildner became a Gold Star Spouse on Feb. 3, 2012.
A Gold Star Spouse is a husband or wife whose spouse passed away while serving in the U.S. military. They are the survivors of their fallen Soldiers. The U.S. Army annually recognizes April 5 as Gold Star Spouses day.
Surviving military spouses share many experiences after they lose a loved one. The survivors lunge into a new life as a widow, re-defining their identity, continue to raise their children, and seek support among other widows in groups like SOS…
Meet our 2018 Armed Forces Insurance Army Spouse of the Year, Krista, who is also a Gold Star Spouse.
…SOS is a program the U.S. Army offers through the Installation Management Command at garrisons. They offer long termsupport and services to surviving Family members once the Casualty Assistance Center completes the initial phase of support. SOS is the main conduit to help survivors find and understand information about their benefits and entitlements. They also provide essential social support to help survivors navigate the grief process.
Raquel Scates’ husband, Staff Sgt. William Daniel Scates, worked with the 130th infantry unit at Fort Stewart. He died while deployed in Arab Jabour, Iraq, and Scates became a Gold Star Spouse on Aug. 11, 2007.
Donna Engeman and her husband, Chief Warrant Officer 4 John Engeman, were stationed at Fort Bragg where he worked as a maintenance warrant. He went on deployment to Rustamiyah, Iraq, and lost his life on May 14, 2006, making Engeman a Gold Star Spouse….
…Losing a spouse is the beginning of a grim and challenging process for Gold Star Spouses.
“Adjusting to living life after your spouse dies is an on-going difficult process,” said Scates, a health and wellness coach and mother. “I had difficulties with it for many years; it will be 11 years in 2018. I honestly did not deal with my grief until last year.”
Hildner, a contract specialist for Mission Installations Contracting Command at Fort Sam Houston, agrees, saying that you don’t just move on or get over the death, you move forward.
“There are triggers every day; some days are good and some days are not so good. It is not going to go away, you just learn to deal with it differently as time passes.”
All three spouses had children at the time of their husbands’ deaths, presenting a challenge while processing the situation. Hildner has four children, and Engeman and Scates each have two. Scates did not deal with her grief right away because of her dedication to her children she said.
“I had two small kids when he passed away. My oldest, Jade, was nine years old and my youngest, Kendra, was seven months old. I didn’t have any choice but to keep going and focus on my girls. I shoved [the death] aside and didn’t deal with it until 2017.”
Engeman, former IMCOM Family and Morale Welfare and Recreation SOS program manager, now thinks of her children when she thinks of her husband.
“This far along [after his death], I have good memories. I can look back at his legacy now because he left two children, Patrick and Nicole, and now we have 2 grandchildren. Our children never got to see their grandparents because we were always stationed far away, but now I am getting the chance to watch our grandchildren grow; it’s bittersweet…”
Read the full piece here.