By: Lainey Crown
The decorations. The presents. Move the elves! Oh and don’t forget teacher presents, work parties, unit parties, are we going home for the holidays? There are seven different dinners to do-all at different houses. And maybe I just want a chill day with my mom instead of driving everywhere when we already schlepped across the country. What about presents? We have to pack all the kids’ presents to spend Christmas at Grandma’s house because if we don’t go to Grandma’s house Grandma will be mad. Whew! Just the thought of all of that is exhausting. If the holidays are supposed to be the most magical time of year- then why do they feel so overwhelming and miserable?
What if I told you the holidays didn’t HAVE to be that way? I know, I know, but Grandma will be mad. Grandma is allowed to be mad- and it’s not your job to make her happy. Your job is to make you happy. The first step is determining what your ideal holiday plan is. Maybe it is 3 different gatherings- as long as we leave before Uncle Joe has one too many. Or maybe you prefer a quiet Christmas at home with just you and your kids not getting out of your pajamas all day. Have a conversation with your spouse and determine the plan that sounds most enjoyable to the both of you.
Now it’s time for the hard part, letting people down. It is normal to feel disappointed when we do not get our way, so your mom may be sad if she does not get to see her grandkids open their Christmas presents, and that is ok. Remember, it is not your job to make her happy- that is her job. When setting a boundary, it is important to lead with how we feel, “we have had a busy year and I have been feeling it….” Next is to communicate a united front and that the decision has already been made- no guilt trip is going to change it “we have decided the best choice for us is….” Then, share your plan, whatever it looks like for you. You can always follow up with an alternative solution such as “we cannot make it on Christmas Day however we would love to see you on the afternoon of the 26th if you are available.”
Some examples may be:
“We are uncomfortable with having our kids around someone who is yelling and throwing things. If we feel Uncle Joe is on the path to having too many, we will have to leave early.”
“We have had a really busy year and have been feeling burnt out so we are trying to make our holiday plans less hectic this year. Since we’re traveling 8 hours in, we are going to be intentional about having some lazy days built in. Unfortunately, we’re not going to be able to make it out to your place but would love for you to come see us at Mom’s house. We’re free on Saturday afternoon if y’all want to come over.”
“We have been wanting to take the kids to Disney. We have been looking at our budget and have decided not to come home this year so we can save money. We would love for you to visit. We know that you normally host Christmas, what if we leave up our decorations and we can do a delayed holiday in January?”
This conversation may not be easy, and if you can stomach through being uncomfortable, it can have a positive outcome. If you have a parent that you know can guilt trip you, sometimes calling jointly with your spouse can be helpful.
Lainey is a licensed mental health clinician, using her experience as a service member turned law enforcement officer spouse to empower the community to meet their mental health needs on their terms. She is a speaker, advocate, and sometimes writer. Follow her on Instagram @project.reforged or reach out at hello@projectreforged.com