Dear Milspouse:
You are enough.
Even if you’re a stay-at-home mom/dad whose primary goal is to make sure the kids survive the day.
Even if you’re a working mom/dad who is too tired to do anything else, like volunteer with your local spouse’s club or FRG.
Even if you’re “only” going to school right now.
Even if you’re between jobs and unable to find one at your current duty station.
Even if you don’t run your own business.
Even if you’re having a hard time managing during a deployment.
Even if you feel like you *never* have it all together.
No matter what your military life looks like…
YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.
I know being a military spouse is hard. I know that you feel as though you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know that the days are long, and the amount of time your spouse is away can make you feel like you’re always doing it alone. I know the pressure to be “more than just a spouse” is high. I know that society looks at us in a lot of ways that are less than favorable and it can be hard to measure up.
Most of all, I know what it feels like to act like you have it altogether, even when everything is falling apart.
After almost sixteen years of military life – as a significant other, then a spouse – I have experienced the pressure to be “more” than just a spouse. I always wanted to be sure I never fit the negative stereotypes that were attached to being a military spouse.
Not only did I not want to be thought of as a “dependa,” but I didn’t want my husband (or his leadership) to think I was nothing more than a distraction, or worse, a burden.
So, I did what every other spouse did. I started volunteering in my spouse’s club. I worked in a job I hated. I went to school to avoid “wasting time.” I did anything and everything to avoid being “lazy.” I always had to be busy.
And truth be told, I drove myself into the ground placing my worth in what I was doing. I never ever felt like I was “enough” just being me. And because I was miserable, my family was, too.
So, I stopped caring what others thought and started living my life the way I wanted. I stopped worrying about what others thought of me. I quit the awful job. I no longer volunteer with my spouse’s club (though it’s okay if you do!) I’m back in school now studying for a career I really want. I (gasp!) sometimes leave the laundry in the dryer because I got sucked into my favorite show on Netflix. I set firm boundaries and took back my sense of self. Most importantly, I stopped placing my worth in what I was doing, and I learned how to love myself (and relax!)
The moral of the story is that the majority of us do not have it all together, although we want the world to think we do. We all have days where we make sure the kids are alive, but don’t touch the laundry or dishes. Not all of us volunteer, go to school, have a job, have kids, or have our own business. And another thing – every single one of us meets our pal Murphy during deployment. Murphy’s law is universal, after all.
Despite what we do or don’t do, every single one of us is worthy. We are all more than just military spouses. Each of us is a unique individual with different personalities and talents that make up a thriving community. Your worth is not in what you do, darling, it is in who you are. Embrace your worth and remember – you are enough.
