I have hit “the wall.” You know that point during a deployment where you are just done? Realistically you know it is far from over. But mentally, physically, emotionally…you are kind of over it all. You give yourself all the “suck it up” pep talks. You remind yourself that you are strong and resilient. You kick yourself for feeling this way because YOU are the one who gets to be at home, not in some foreign land away from everyone you love, fighting a WAR. But still. It’s the point in the deployment where you question your ability to see this to the end, the self-talk is no longer working, and you are certain you can’t take another second.
The Deployment Wall.
Deployments are never the same. The one you are going through right now might be very different than the last one…and it will be different from the next. No two people handle deployment the same. But I do think everyone hits the Deployment Wall at some point. Some of us hit it and bounce right back, some of us hit it and kind of have to sit there for a while.
The start of a deployment is usually about the same for me. Anticipating the day my husband leaves has always been a struggle. Time both creeps along in slow motion and races toward some dreaded finish line, all at once. I have these moments where I just find myself staring at him while he sleeps…tracing the outline of the eagle, globe and anchor artwork that sits between his strong shoulders, memorizing how it feels beneath my fingers. The sight of him playing with my daughter, rolling his sleeves, or drinking coffee…all of these scenes can elicit tears that I try to choke back so I don’t, in turn, elicit that “I will not cry” face from my husband when he catches me.