By Maralis Self
I can imagine much of the population reading this would scoff at the idea that a military spouse would have the gall to leave their departing spouse for five days to take a vacation alone to a tropical location.
I also know that there are some military spouses who think, “Gosh, I wish I could do that.” I did not come to the decision lightly. In fact, I felt incredibly nervous when I jovially said to my wife, “I could use a few days in Mexico before you deploy.” I followed up with, “…maybe two or three days…” She responded with, “No, you need at least 5.” I about fell out of my chair!
When we then began to have a conversation about it, I explained why I wanted to do this. We have a senior in high school and three pets. Not to mention, I am entrepreneur with two businesses. So we’re a little busy.
This is my second marriage and a healthy one. The thing about being in a healthy marriage is that there is a beautiful mutual respect and deep understanding. You come to find a healthy interdependence. I felt safe and supported enough to explain that I could feel the resentment building. I could feel myself already dreading the days when I would feel tired of having no support: no sleeping in, no help, no one to count on to help with the everyday things. No one to go on dates with, no one to snuggle on the couch with, no one to explore and have adventures with. No partner. I am not new to military spouse life. I know this is part of our lifestyle that we cannot help. Still, it is hard and the dread and sadness was setting in.
So why did I want to leave on this trip alone, without my wife, if I would miss her so much while she is deployed? Traveling together is our thing and we love it! But here is the answer: Self-Care. I knew that I needed time to myself, time with absolutely no expectations of me, no obligations, and all the freedom to do whatever it was that I wanted to do. I needed it for my mental health and well-being. And so I booked a trip to Mexico for five days. My wife supported me, got excited for me, and assured me that everything would be just fine at home. But wait, there’s more! This was my first ever solo trip. I was excited but also, nervous.
I got to Mexico and it was like a dream. I spent my days taking in sun, walking along beautiful sandy beaches, feeling the ebb and flow of waves at my feet. I read for leisure, ate alone, and napped, a lot. It was glorious! This was not a trip for excursions or shopping. Priority number one was to relax and do less of the things that felt like tasks and do more of the things that felt like peace. I did have to do some work while I was there for my businesses, but luckily both of my businesses can operate remotely. I love my work as a wellness practitioner and virtual assistant, but nothing beats working with a view of palm trees, glistening waters, and sand! It was so beautiful to experience. I took a stroll on day two and asked the water to cleanse me of any feelings of resentment, dread, and negativity that I may be carrying, to make me refreshed and revitalized with the beautiful energy of all living things, and to be reminded once again that I am divinely supported. And so it was.
I had no guilt about leaving my wife and daughter because they both supported me fully and understood that this was something that would support my well-being as we enter the deployment. While deployments are hard on the service member, it is hard on the spouse, too. While we do have a measure of resilience, we are not nearly as trained for such things as much as our servicemembers are. I am a highly feeling individual, so allowing myself space to feel everything is important. My trip may not make the deployment easier, but I feel more refreshed and appreciated. How I feel is valid and important, too. And my wife expertly navigated my needs and encouraged me to do whatever I needed to do to feel ready. I am infinitely grateful.
You do not have to go to another country. But I do encourage you to make time for yourself if your spouse is getting ready to deploy. It is part of self-care, and it is not selfish. Reserve a little place for a day or two. Do the things that you like to do, the things that bring you peace and joy. I think it matters, and it will make a difference for both of you as you prepare for this challenging time. Remember, you deserve it.