See this and more inside the July issue of Military Spouse Magazine!
This is an opinion piece. The views expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Military Spouse.
Why are you complaining? You knew what you signed up for. What an idiot. Just deal with it.
These words are just a small snapshot of comments often seen on social media. Many of them are much worse, filled with name calling and crude suggestions. No, these weren’t pulled from a teenager’s post. Instead, they were typed under the names of various adult military spouses. Some of these same words were said to an Army spouse in January 2020 — right before she committed suicide.
We are destroying ourselves from the inside out.
In 2017, 123 military spouses committed suicide. The official report was released in 2019 by the Department of Defense and was the first time data had been released on military spouse suicides. Although we cannot know why each one took their life, rising statistics of depression, anxiety, and trauma within the military spouse community paint a dark picture of likely possibilities.
Mental health diagnosis’ have been proven to be linked not only to biological reasons or genetics, but environmental stressors. Deployments, high unemployment rates, and isolation all play a part in contributing to this. Military spouses may not raise their right hand to protect and defend their country — but they sure do sacrifice for her. The price of freedom is heavy. You’d think that since we are all wearing that weight, we’d always come together to lift each other up. But there is a dark side to the military spouse community, one filled with hurt people hurting others. Instead of lifting spouses, they are burying them.
Personal hurt and trauma isn’t an excuse for behavior that intentionally aims to harm others. There is nothing that can be said that will justify unkindness. Internal turmoil or mental health issues do not give people a license to become a bully.
Yeah, that’s exactly what they are.
Many bullies may not even recognize their detrimental behavior for what it is. In some cases, it may be because they think their comments are just “telling it like it is” or because they truly have a mental diagnosis themselves. These bullies may also be experiencing something called hubristic pride, according to Psychology Today, which makes them see themselves as highly valued. This inflated sense of ego tends to hide behind internal shame and the behavior itself is what keeps their self-esteem so high.
The bully has been around a long time. But the internet has given way to a new and even more deadly version, one who can easily say hurtful things behind a keyboard without consideration or a view of the destruction caused. Often referred to as online harassment or cyberbullying, it affects around 40% of adult internet users, according to the Pew Research Center. When you break those numbers down to younger age groups, that same study found that 65% of those aged 18-29 have experienced harassment.
The study further showcased that women in particular experience the more severe forms of harassment like name calling, purposeful embarrassment, or even worse — physical threats. The military spouse community has all of this and more. It needs to stop.
To end this, military spouses need to first take a stand against the bully’s behavior. Don’t make excuses for what they meant to say. Hurt is in the eye of the beholder, meaning the receiving person’s perception. If it’s hurtful to them, it’s wrong. Period, no ifs, ands, or buts. One of the official definitions of harassment is to create an unpleasant or hostile situation with unwelcome verbal or physical conduct. If this is occurring, it’s not only inexcusable — it’s against the law and considered a serious offense in most states.
Call them out immediately.
If you experience it or witness it, say something. Staying quiet doesn’t calm the situation, it enables the bully to continue their behavior with their next victim. It sounds serious because it is. This goes for online cyberbullying too. Many are the way they are because no one has ever addressed their behavior or comments. This behavior isn’t harmless, it can lead to devastating consequences for the people on the other end of their harassment. Many victims of harassment will develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. Some even end their lives over it.
Military spouses are already at risk for mental health complications because of the life they live. They can’t change those aspects of military life, but spouses can change how they allow themselves to be treated. Stand up for yourself and those around you. Military spouses shouldn’t tolerate members inside of their own community destroying lives; war does enough of that.
Be the change.
It starts with you.