It’s Friday night.
I’m out to dinner with my husband on a much-needed date night after a long month. We’ve both been working a lot and haven’t spent a whole lot of time together as a couple, and this was our first chance to spend a little time together kid-free. We just ordered our drinks, and are deciding on an appetizer. I joke that he orders the same things no matter where we go, and maybe we should try something new this time. He chuckles, and tells me it’s my turn to pick.
Then I hear it. That ever-so-familiar vibration of his cell phone. I watch my husband take a look at his phone and, with a stern look on his face, he lets out an exasperated sigh and tells me he will be right back.
The server comes back about a minute after he leaves, and I order our appetizer. I sip my drink, waiting on both the appetizer and my husband to come to the table. Our appetizer has been at the table for a bit and is half finished by the time my husband returns, looking solemn. One of his airmen is having an issue that he needs to attend to, albeit not right then and there, but I can tell it will occupy his mind for the rest of the evening. He and I manage to continue our conversation, order our food, and eat in peace – but I know that that phone call is still weighing heavily on him. As we drive home from dinner, I can sense his mind racing as he all but auto-pilots the familiar drive home.
This was not the first time something like this had happened. My husband is a leader, NCOIC of his respective shop. He has been called at all hours for similar issues. I have seen this man work tirelessly and sacrifice so much, to his own detriment, and receive zero praise and zero thank yous. And even though I know that he doesn’t do it for praise, he has served for 15 years and has earned more and more responsibility (and oversight!) with each rank.
I’ll be honest – even with the great benefits this life provides our family, it comes at the even greater cost of less time together as a family. I can’t help but feel more than a bit disenchanted with it sometimes. It is one thing to verbally acknowledge that the mission comes first, it’s another to actually live it. When we were first married, his schedule was very consistent and there wasn’t much extra, since it was a special duty in a test environment. Now that he is back in a maintenance environment, everything is so unpredictable, which was a difficult adjustment for our family of five. Add on more deployments, temporary duties, longer hours, and being left having to manage everyone’s schedule on top of my own, all by myself, it’s easy to get frustrated, angry, and burnt out. And believe me when I say, I have felt all of those things. My kids also have a hard time when their dad, who is very involved and is an equal partner in parenting, is not around a lot.
While I can certainly sit here and complain all day about how unfair all of this is, I have also learned to embrace a great deal more of the beauty that this life brings. Here are some things I try to remember when those feelings of disenchantment start to set in:
I am not in control. I cannot control my husband’s schedule, work hours, or when he goes TDY and/or deploys. Knowing this, it is easier for me not to expend energy on getting frustrated when he has to work late or when he’s selected for another trip. While the adjustment is always hard, getting mad at a situation I can’t control always makes it harder on myself and my family. It’s times like these that I remember that God is in control, and I rely on Him for strength, courage, and above all – patience.
My husband does what he does because he cares. One of the things that I love and respect most about my husband is that he cares a great deal about people – especially HIS people. The fact that he willingly goes out of his way to ensure that their needs are met is both admirable and shows his generosity. He is a wonderful man who only wants to do good for those who depend on him, and he doesn’t do it for recognition. He does it because it’s the right thing to do. I remember how proud I am of him, and most of the time, this helps overshadow some of the bitterness.
I need to take care of myself, too. I get so caught up in taking care of everyone else that I often forget my own needs. Setting aside time to read my favorite book, take a bubble bath or a longer shower, and watch my favorite show is hard to come by, but very necessary. Like the old adage goes, I can’t pour from an empty cup! I need to make sure my cup if full before I pour into others.
I don’t have to do everything alone. One of the best things about being a military spouse is that I have formed the most amazing friendships, and we have learned to do life together. I am not very good at asking for help, but I know if I need it, my tribe will be there. I just need to remember to rely on them when it all gets to be too much for me to handle.
It’s not forever. Before long, my husband will retire from the service, and our time as a military family will be a distant memory. Pretty soon, we will both be able to turn off our phones and enjoy an evening with our family without interruption. Our date nights will also, finally, be OUR time.