November is the National Month of Gratitude, a time to focus on the good. Social media feeds are flooded with thankfulness challenges, encouraging you to share one thing you appreciate each day. Pinterest holds no shortage of cute ideas to include your kids. (Does anyone else have a giant ‘Thankful Turkey’ on their wall?) But for many military families, the effects of military life make this challenge especially difficult. When you’re in the middle of a deployment, short tour, PCS, or just wishing you were closer to family during this season, there are many days that choosing to be grateful seems nearly impossible. Instead of falling into the trap of toxic positivity as we practice fostering gratitude in difficult seasons, let’s work to cultivate authentic gratitude amid the struggle, not despite it.
First, be honest about your pain.
If you are in a difficult season, you do not have to be happy about everything just because this is the month of gratitude. You don’t have to immediately add a silver lining to the struggles you are facing. Write in your journal, talk with a safe friend, or reach out to a mental health professional. Ignoring your hardships in attempt to focus on the good doesn’t make them disappear, it builds resentment. While it may feel counter-intuitive, addressing these feelings first can lead to more genuine thankfulness.
Embrace the ‘and.’
Sometimes a simple shift in conjunctions makes a big impact. Let’s compare these: “I miss home, but I’m thankful for local friends” with “I miss home, and I’m thankful for local friends.” For my fellow grammar enthusiasts, the use of the word but dismisses the first clause. However, the use of and simply connects the ideas. One tiny word allows you to express both things as true. Like in the movie Inside Out when Riley’s emotional control panel is upgraded, we can have more than one feeling about a situation. Life is not black and white. Feeling the weight of hard times often makes me appreciate the good things even more.
Start small.
Don’t try to convince yourself that you’re thankful for something when you’re not. Gratitude is not a competition. There is no award for feeling grateful for more than someone else. Instead of comparing your situation, take an honest account of your life and name just one thing that you appreciate. Write it down. The next day, try to add one more. It’s okay to feel grateful for the same thing more than once. The idea is to build a regular awareness of gratitude and let it build over time.
Share it.
It is one thing to say that you’re grateful for something or someone and another to show it. True gratitude permeates not only our thoughts, but also our actions. It can be a simple phone call or text message to say thank you, or a larger project to give back to the community. When we engage in sharing our gratitude, it encourages others as well. What starts as a commitment to practicing personal gratefulness in challenging circumstances then becomes a catalyst that changes the community.
Fostering gratitude in difficult seasons is work, requires a willingness to be vulnerable, and is worth the effort.