In 2012 my husband asked for my thoughts about enlisting in the Air Force. I recalled all of the information I knew about military spouses, much of which was thanks to the tv show Army Wives.
The ‘perfect military spouse persona’ was not created merely for TV; Leigh, a West Point Officer’s wife, remembers, “We were considered a reflection and extension of our husbands capacity to lead and be successful.” I was nervous, but up to the task when I realized our first base was Hickam, AFB in Hawaii.
Once there, I joined the Enlisted Spouses Club. I was confused about why we couldn’t all be together: enlisted and officer. One woman told me officer spouses thought they were better than ‘us,’ and enlisted spouses weren’t usually friends with them. Through my friends’ (exaggerated) stories, officer spouses became caricatures in my head. Officer spouses I met who were kind and normal, became the exception to the rule I had imagined.
When the timing was right for Jeremy to become an officer, we were excited about the possibilities. I remembered what an officer’s spouse should be like, and it wasn’t me. An image of a 1950’s housewife with a perfectly coifed bun and sensible shoes came to mind. I have what you’d call an eclectic style. My only pair of nude heels had been rhinestoned years back. I envisioned having to be perfect while baking pies and wearing pencil skirts, and I cried.
Fortunately, my husband shook me out of my delusions and reminded me that it wasn’t 1950 anymore. There would be more events I would need to attend, but just because I would be an officer’s spouse didn’t mean I was automatically the Key Spouse. Brooke shares as an officer’s wife, “I was Key Spouse, and a Red Cross volunteer- thinking that’s what I was supposed to do. As the years go on, you are asked for your involvement within the squadron, but it’s still a choice.”
I breathed a sigh of relief as I recalled all of the officer spouses I had met through the years, some made a mean casserole, others ran businesses, a few did both. But the reality was, many were just like me. Jenna Henry declares,
“Spouses are all the same, we have no rank. Granted, certain spouses have other obligations, especially when you get to the higher officer ranks, but that doesn’t mean they treat enlisted spouses as lesser. I have found most of the anxiety behind the pressure is the fear of what could happen. As long as your confidence in yourself and your relationships is stronger than your fear- then no rank on a your spouse’s collar can interfere with that.”
During our time in Keesler, I joined their Spouse’s Club as an officer’s wife. It was mixed, both officer and enlisted, and I loved it. Everyone was included, and the pedestal I thought I’d be picked apart on didn’t exist. We create stories of what a spouse ‘should be.’ Sometimes, we take one person’s experience, or personality and assume it’s correct across the board.
So peel off the label. Yes, you are an officer’s spouse now. Yes, you may meet a few more generals, but everyone is human. We are working collectively to create a thriving military community. If you can remember this, you’ll be a great spouse, whether your pie is homemade or bought from the store.