My husband had served on active duty for over 25 years when our oldest son Matthew announced that he’d decided to join the military, too. It came as a bit of a shock to his father and me, as Matt had always discussed other career plans before that time.
I’ve written in a previous article, A Letter to My Active Duty Son, about the conflicting feelings that assailed me when he left for basic training and how different it was to watch my own child take on a life of service as opposed to my husband, whom I’d always known as a military member.
“It is different with you, of course, and I feel fiercely protective… I was not prepared for the wave of emotion that threatened to choke me the day you boarded the plane to leave for basic training. I’ve always had the mindset of the all-volunteer force, you know: ‘If no one volunteers, where will our country be?’ But I will admit that there are times when dark thoughts hit me in the quiet hours of the night. The military has my husband–does it need my child, too? With all the policy changes lately, is this a good decision for you and your wife? What about my future grandchildren? Will the military be good to you all? Is it worthy of you?”
But the dust settles, your child graduates from basic military training, receives their first set of orders, perhaps even goes on his or her first deployment. And if you’re a long-time military spouse like me, you think, Yeah, I’ve got this. I know how this whole military thing works.
And it’s true. You DO know. But oh, there’s so much that you don’t when it’s your offspring that’s involved. It’s been over five years now since our son became an active duty Airman, and we’ve watched with pride as he’s made it through basic and technical training, been promoted, made several moves with his little family, and deployed to the Middle East. Boy, is it different. So whether you’re a military-spouse-turned-parent-of-military-member like me or you’re just looking for information to help you in this new world of being a military parent, here are a few things I’ve learned these past years.
1) You want it to be tough.
Training, technical schools, military exercises–I’m telling you now, don’t make it harder on yourself by picturing your “baby” sleeping outside in the rain or getting yelled at by a TI. Resist the temptation to picture those scenarios in your head.
You want them to be strong, you want them to push the limits physically and mentally, so they are battle-ready and able to withstand the rigors of service. Whether that means actually fighting in battle (God forbid– can’t help myself as a mama) or simply doing their job safely and well, you want them to be as prepared as they possibly can be, and that will probably include a little bit of (or even a lot of) yelling, loneliness, and austere conditions.
2) Remember, you come second now.
Whatever your relationship was before, and no matter how close you are, it’s time to step aside. Give your child the freedom to serve wholeheartedly without worry about what’s going on back home. Yes, of course, you’ll still talk. You’ll still love them. You’ll still communicate. But the demands of the military now come first.
And, I hate to break it to you, but if your child is married, you come third. If your son or daughter is on a remote assignment with limited communication, they will naturally reach out to their spouse first (more reason for you keep that relationship as an in-law healthy!). I know it sounds harsh, but this is reality, and I don’t want this to come as an unwelcome surprise to you, so it’s better to prepare yourself.
3) But you don’t have to carry the burden alone.
Other parents of military will know exactly what you’re going through. During our son’s first deployment, I felt like I spent my days walking around inside a gray cloud. Though we’d been through many deployments and separations with my husband, the helplessness of not knowing what was going on with Matt stayed foremost in my thoughts. Hearing from others who’d been through what I was facing helped so much during that time.
Some resources for support as a military parent:
- Social media groups like Elaine Brye’s Facebook page for military parents, Be Safe, Love Mom
- When Your Child Goes Into the Military (my podcast episode on this topic!)
- Support groups through your place of worship or community
- Specific service branch support
- Books and articles:
- Be Safe, Love Mom by Elaine Brye
- Operation We Are Here
- Battles of the Heart: Boot Camp for Military Moms by Tracie Ciambotti
- Everyone Serves by Blue Star Families
There’s so much more to know as a military parent, but I hope this is a good start for you. Take care of yourself, find healthy distractions when your child is away and inaccessible during training or deployments, find creative ways to stay in touch and send care packages—these practical tasks can all help pass the time when you feel overwhelmed. And when all else fails, it’s ok to sit and remember your “baby” and shed a tear or two. You’re still a parent, after all. And remember…
Military mom and dad, you’ve got this. You’re not alone.