The transition from mother and child to mother and adult can be a difficult process. It brings to mind a wonderful memory in a butterfly enclosure.
“Do you see it?” screamed Ethan. “The chrysalises are starting to move! Soon we will have butterflies flying all around.” He kept staring at the chrysalis, but slowly his excitement waned and his jumping stopped. His shoulders drooped; he sat down and said, “It’s been two weeks since Harry went into his chrysalis; why isn’t he coming out?”
I stopped the lesson and drew the class over to the butterfly enclosure. Several of the chrysalises were moving. Some swayed slowly, some had tiny cracks, and a few had parts of a butterfly starting to escape the walls of the chrysalis.
Butterflies need to work hard to break out of the walls of the chrysalises. The walls protect them as they change from pupas into a butterfly. They need time for their wings to grow. It takes time for them to get out of the chrysalises, time for their wings to dry, and time for their muscles to flex and prepare for flight.
As my children, now young adults, struggle to succeed in the world, I often reflect on my butterfly lessons. Each butterfly needs to struggle. If the butterfly did not work to push through the chrysalises, it would not squeeze the fluids from their bodies to their wings and it would not be able to fly. If it did not work to expand its wings and dry them, it could not fly. If it did not hang upside down to strengthen its muscles, it could not fly.
Just like the butterfly, young adults need to push out from the protective boundaries we, as parents, create. It’s how they discover who they are and what they believe personally, as opposed to what we have taught them. Our boundaries protected them when they were young. Now, they must push hard to be released from those same restrictive walls, just as butterflies break through the walls of their chrysalises.
They stretch their wings of independence to decide what they want to do during holidays. Where will they live? When will they visit? What is important to them? The muscles of decision-making need time and space to grow.
Yet as their mom, I still want them to come home, to need me, to enjoy family traditions and holidays together. I am comforted that even though the butterflies leave the chrysalises behind, they remember where they came from. They know where to find food and the right location to land. I hope each day my kids remember they are loved and always welcome to return.
Our address may change due to military orders, but we will always have space for them. I need to let them fly and become their own people. They will make mistakes–hopefully, fewer than I did–but when they need me, I will be there waiting to help them.
As you release your kids to fly, what do you hope they remember?