If the holiday season wasn’t insane enough with year-end programs, 5 million parties, and a million more purchases to make, what’s a little reintegration in the mix?
I mean, come on. Couldn’t our already spastic and frantic schedules use a little…spice?
When the tree is up and the lights are hung, reintegration is anything but merry. This holiday season, you may find yourself a little weary, and slightly nervous, about the upcoming winter festivities. After surviving a long separation because of deployment, short tours, or a slew of ill-timed TDYs, getting into the Christmas spirit may not be the easiest task.
Why is this so hard?
Because so much has rested upon your shoulders, there is a significant amount of difficulty in releasing control. Or, perhaps the mounting pressure of pulling off a perfect family gathering or experience has got you down. Maybe you are so desperately tired and touched out that you would happily pass off the responsibility of gift-wrapping, planning, and holiday hamming to someone else. Except maybe your “someone else” isn’t up to the task or they wouldn’t even know where to begin in the first place. And, deep down, you know that you will have to do the things—all the things—all over again.
You know what other word starts with “r?” Resentment.
Now, before you tune me out and decide you hate my face, I’ll share some encouragement.
Resentment is the fine print on every set of orders, every long separation, and every single reintegration. I have harbored tons of the dreaded “r” word and, in many ways, it has consumed any joy that could have been had. We all deal with this particular emotional trap.
Reintegration is difficult for many reasons, but predominantly, the tough ones are pretty standard. First, you have been the primary parent, decision maker, and plan implementer for a significant time. You’re struggling with decision fatigue, loneliness, or even isolation, and your stress level could be measured on the Richter scale. Simultaneously, anything resembling rest or soul care has been abandoned months ago. And, we can’t even begin to talk about the bank account…
So, how can you rid yourself of the reintegration and resentment blues?
First, seriously readjust your expectations.
I know we hate to hear it, but having high expectations during high intensity change will result in fights, hurt feelings, and all-around unpleasantness. Ask yourself what is truly attainable in this season. For example, if your holiday traditions are labor intensive or require an immense amount of focus, maybe try a new tradition or scale your operation back a bit. The more manageable, the better. Additionally, a sure-fire way to confront feelings of resentment is to foster an attitude of gratitude. Remind yourself of one thing you can genuinely be grateful for sharing together.
Talk to your spouse and communicate these expectations.
Whether your spouse has just returned or they are on the way in, setting the expectation for the pace, task list, and work load is always a good idea. Make a point to carve out time to discuss who will tackle which task, where the priorities are, and how to accomplish these things together. A lot of the stress around the holidays really does live in the logistics.
Ask for help and get ahead. After you have adjusted and scaled your expectations to a manageable level, and shared the plan, delegate the rest. If you are traveling, or hosting guests, can you ask them to help take some of the pressure off? Instead of offering to take something to share or taking on another item on the to-do list, take something off. Remember: the word “no” is a full sentence.
The holidays don’t have to be a hectic, chaos ridden mess. Reintegration is crazy hard. But, to quote G.I. Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.”