When my husband and I took a pre-marital counseling course, we thought we understood our marriage well. We thought we had completed every task item as we reviewed the outline for what we’d cover while counseling a younger couple. Finances? Check. Intentional dating? Scheduled! Attraction? I don’t need to say more about what I think of my husband in uniform. But then, our lead counselor began detailing how a healthy marriage communicates. We froze. As the counselor spoke, we’d, individually, glance at one another every so often. I’d squirm—he’d tense up. At that moment, we silently realized we needed to step up our communication game.
Enter FANOS. “FANOS” stands for feeling, affirmation, needs, ownership, and struggles/success. The term also means “to bring to light” in Greek. Since then, we’ve effectively communicated and more readily opened up.
How We Feel
Sharing my feelings is a weakness of mine. This particular pitfall of mine is relatively easy to fall into since I typically stuff my emotions. But when it came time to discuss our feelings, I realized how infrequently I shared with my husband how I felt. For example, instead of mentioning how I felt ignored after he returned home from work, he just thought I was in a bad mood. When I opened up and shared this particular feeling, he listened. He didn’t realize I needed him to acknowledge me for a split second to communicate affection towards me. Where we once found resentment, we now could dig out the root of our emotional issues.
Affirming One Another
For those of us with a love language inclined towards affirmation, this is key. A simple thank you or a “great job” can create an environment for communication that is both open and accommodating. It’s also possible to communicate a word of thanks to one another if you’re physically distant. For example, my husband was away training and called me late one evening for a few minutes. As we went through our check-in, I affirmed his willingness to be a kind husband and a loving dad. When he returned home, he spoke about how that made a challenging and arduous day easier. An affirmation can incline a married couple’s affections towards one another and serve as a reminder of the value of your spouse.
Needs to Discuss
As humans, we’re going to have needs. There might be a time when one person might need alone time to feel refreshed while another might need something as simple as a hug or back rub. Distinct people have distinct needs—even if you’re married! But for a spouse to effectively aid in fulfilling a necessity, it is essential to open up. For example, I revealed needing time to journal so I could process my day. My husband heard me, and we brainstormed times to meet this need. If I didn’t mention anything, he wouldn’t know that journaling helps me deal with general stress.
Taking Ownership
We once mess up—again, it’s human nature! But we can’t mess up and leave our spouses to pick up the pieces. Owning up to our mistakes enhances communication within a marriage. Confession allows our spouses the option to trust us with anything they’re carrying. This is also a chance to practice apologies before any more significant issues arise. Taking ownership sets a healthy standard in marriage to deal with problems preemptively.
Struggles/Success
Ultimately, we accomplish goals we intentionally or unintentionally set for our marriage. When doing a daily or weekly check-in, it’s important to note the wins and losses. We can grieve the losses and then celebrate the victories. When learning to communicate effectively, we’ll more than likely stumble. However, make sure to take notice when it goes well—noticing these aspects of communication bring marriage from existing in the darkness into the light.