“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”
John Quincy Adams
When I teach leadership to senior military spouses, I start by asking, “Who in this room considers themselves a leader?” A few raise their hands, but most do not. I tell them, by virtue of your position as senior military spouses, you are all leaders. Younger spouses will look to you for guidance and mentorship. The day you show up at a new installation, you will be looked at as having all the answers and experiences, even though you have no idea where anything is on post.
If you choose to take on the role of a senior leader spouse (as discussed in part one of this blog series), I encourage you to think about leadership and the type of leader you want to be. Let’s begin by looking at leadership. Leadership is a catchword. There are thousands of books on leadership and just as many definitions. For our context, leadership is motivating others to achieve a common purpose. Competent senior spouse leaders take care of people, are flexible (i.e., not afraid to think outside of the box), maintain a positive attitude, and never compromise their credibility.
As a senior spouse leader, I recommend you ask yourself, how will I encourage participation and influence others in a nonthreatening manner? How will I lead without being overbearing? We must be cognizant of the fact that we are married to a servicemember leader so if we are threatening and overbearing, spouses will be intimidated and feel they have no choice but to participate. Be clear from day one that participation is strictly voluntary and that you understand the challenges and competing interests’ spouses face today. Let spouses know that it is entirely okay not to participate at all or to participate on a limited basis. Also, let spouses know that if you call them for help, it is okay to say no.
You also need to ask yourself, how you will lead a group of spouses in the twenty-first century? To do so, I suggest you must understand the changing dynamic of today’s spouses. In the past, spouses relied on coffees, meetings during the day, and wives’ clubs consisting of stay-at-home Moms, with the primary form of information sharing being face-to-face communication. Today, it is much different. Now, spouses rely heavily on social media as the main source of connections and information gathering. Spouses also work in much greater numbers than in the past, decreasing the time available for participation in yet another outside activity. Also, the changing face of military leaders has an accompanying increase in the diversity of spouse groups. As both female servicemembers and servicemembers with same-sex spouses continue to increase in number, male spouses are increasingly present. There are also more single parent servicemembers today that may need assistance on short notice.
How will you make all spouses feel welcome? How will you ensure your group is inclusive to all? Begin by looking at the invitation’s message. Does it suggest that all are welcome? An event entitled “Ladies Night Out – Bunco!” or “Wives Meet and Greet” is obviously not inclusive and welcoming to all. Also, look at your theme. Gown shopping for the upcoming post ball will probably not attract male spouses. As a leader, don’t be afraid to speak with individual military spouses and ask them what they would like to see.
Given the heavy reliance of online platforms, senior military spouses must adapt to the greater use of social media and apps for group text messaging. For example, use online invitations. They are free and easy to use. If you find this intimidating, ask the younger spouses for help. They are the social media experts and will be happy to help. Also, consider developing a Facebook page to share non-sensitive information and post pictures of events. Using these online resources will reach a larger audience and make more people feel included and likely to participate.
By starting to think about these issues now, you will feel much more comfortable when confronted with these issues. The key is establishing open communication with all spouses to develop an understanding of the needs and concerns of the new and diverse group of spouses present today.
* Kerry L. Erisman is a military spouse, Dad of two awesome teenage boys, Army retiree after 28 years of active duty service, attorney, and Associate Professor with American Military University. He writes and teaches on important military spouse issues including leadership, critical thinking, and education.