Has Cheating Become Easier During Deployment?
Sex isn’t allowed during deployments, but that doesn’t always stop service members from doing it or engaging in some sort of activity outside of their marriage. Technology has made it even easier to engage in illicit affairs or activities. A decade ago, all service members had was their work computer which they often share, or they would only have access to technology in public areas. But now many FOBs have wifi that allow service members to use personal devices which opens the door to encrypted apps like WhatsApp where images and messages are not monitored and are not coming over official channels.
So now things like sexting and trading nude images is easier than ever. This behavior can cause temptations for service members and allows engaging in behavior outside of their marriage easier and more discrete.
However, the same can be said for spouses. Apps and messaging programs make it easier to go outside the bounds of marriage in trading sexting messages or images while their partner is gone, or even meet people via dating apps.
Of course, this is also possible for both partners in the marriage even when the service member is home- technology has made it easier for anyone, spouse, service member, or civilian, to engage in behavior outside their marriage without being caught. So in the end, it’s not necessarily just easier during deployment because of today’s technology- it’s just easier all around.
Reasons Why People Cheat
The definition of “cheating” is different for every person. You and your partner should have a discussion of what that definition is if you are concerned that you don’t see eye-to-eye on it. For some, cheating includes talking to a person of the opposite sex with anything more than platonic feelings. For others, the line might be drawn at watching pornography. For some, sexting and sending or receiving images is considered cheating, while others only believe that engaging in actual physical activity is cheating.
But rarely, in cases of infidelity, does a person cheat simply for reasons of lust. Many times cheating happens because of underlying issues in a marriage or relationship that made someone feel out of touch with their partner.
It doesn’t matter if you are Gisele Bunchon or Jason Momoa- chances are that your spouse is going to find other people attractive but that feeling alone isn’t usually enough to cause someone to cheat.
The reason why a person cheats varies. In a popular TED Talk given by psychotherapist Ester Peral, she states that someone, even someone who is in a happy relationship, might cheat because, “At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.”
Does that make the act of cheating excusable? Again, that is something that each person who has been touched by infidelity has to decide. Some people view cheating as a zero tolerance policy but then it happens to them, and they find themselves questioning on what they should do.
What You Should Do if You or Your Service Member Has Cheated
This is a hot-button topic for many military families, and many times you will see spouses coming to Facebook pages asking for advice on what to do when they find out that there service member has cheated or if they have cheated themselves. This is a hard subject to face, because each relationship is different. The act of infidelity and the reason behind it is different for everyone, and the person who was cheated on may have a different reaction to it than someone else who is in their shoes. The following suggestions are given with the understanding that the cheater is remorseful and committed to never cheating again.
The most important first step in reconciling infidelity is for the cheating partner to be honest. The one who has been cheated on needs time to process and to grieve. He or she will be mad, angry, hurt, disappointed, and embarrassed. They will have a million questions, and the cheater should answer them. Avoiding answering questions will only make any chance of reconciliation and the rebuilding of trust that much harder. The first stab was already dealt when the act of infidelity was learned, and a relationship can not begin to heal until all the stabs are cut.
The second step is something that many people who have been cheated on struggle with- they need to be willing to forgive. It is easy to say, “You hurt me and you deserve anything I say or do to you because of this” but the reality is that the cheater probably didn’t cheat simply because he thought that someone was attractive. It was probably a build up of an issue within your relationship, and the person who was cheated on must recognize that both partners played a part, and start to work towards forgiving the cheater. This often means not constantly bringing up the act of infidelity and to show them that you are willing to trust them by not questioning their every move.
From here, many will suggest visiting with a marriage counselor to help communicate any underlying issue your marriage may be facing and to battle the act of infidelity head on. Marriage counseling is available through MilitaryOneSource and any information you share cannot be given to the service member’s command unless the counselor deems that someone is an inherent danger to themselves or to others.
Others will try to rectify the issue within the walls of their home. These suggestions can help you over come some of the issues you may face.
For some, the cheating is too much for their marriage to handle. Incessant acts of infidelity or the simple struggle with trust, honesty, and intimacy after cheating has been discovered is not something they are able to overcome.
As a spouse, it is important to recognize your rights when it comes to a military divorce:
- You can get help from base legal but if your service member has visited them first, then they will not assist you. You will have to attend a divorce information class together before proceeding through the process.
- Don’t mess with their career- Infidelity is illegal in the military, but bringing it to the attention of the command can be detrimental to your spouse’s career. And in the case of divorce, if they are demoted or forced out, this will greatly impact the benefits you receive.
- If you do decide to go to the command due to the nature of the infidelity (usually when it involves fraternization), they usually will not pursue anything without hard evidence like photographs or video of physical acts. Text messages and photos are not usually seen as “cheating” in the eyes of military law.
- If you divorce, as a military spouse you may be
entitled to spousal support. Each branch is different and you must send a court
order of entitlement to Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) directing
the government to allocate money for spousal support.
- You will lose TRICARE benefit and base access. Your children, if you have any, may still receive TRICARE benefits.
- If you live overseas, the military may pay to move you back to your home state. They are not required to move you if you are CONUS.
- You will be asked to leave military base housing within 30 days of the divorce being finalized.
For more information on divorce in the military marriage, visit MilitaryOneSource.
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Infidelity in the military is something that many of us in this lifestyle will probably experience either ourselves or from someone we know given the small population compared to that of civilians. But being in the military or being a military spouse doesn’t make you more likely to cheat. Cheating is a choice made by one person, oftentimes because of underlying circumstances in their relationship or just because they aren’t a good person. If the military does anything, it puts more stressors on a marriage than our civilian counterparts but most people would agree that that doesn’t give anyone an excuse to go beyond the bounds of their marriage. The best thing a military couple can do is to stay on top of their marriage through valid communication and by utilizing some of the resources the military offers to strengthen a relationship like counseling and military couple’s retreats.
