They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it is also all too easy for distance to make the heart forget.
Those in the military community know that it would be nearly impossible to avoid spending some time apart. Between deployments, TAD orders, doing a geo-bachelor tour for whatever reason, or even being stationed on two different bases when dual-military, distance is just a fact of life. Even when your partner is in the same city as you there is duty weekends and long hours that can put a kink in your relationship, and not the good kind!
So what can you do? How do you keep the romance alive when you can’t just walk down the hall and give your sweetheart a “come and get it” look?
Like with anything in life, if you want it to work you have to work! It takes effort even under the best circumstances to keep the heat in a good relationship, so of course when distance is factored in you will have to put in more work. What this looks like can be completely different for everyone. Here are a few ideas that might help kickstart your long distance loving again.
Know Their Language
Ok this is going to sound cheesy, but I truly believe the concept behind love languages. Each of us feels appreciated in different ways. Some need to hear that they are appreciated. Others need physical affection to know their partner loves them. Some want to spend quality time together with no technology around. Others would give anything for their partner to wash their car, do the dishes, or just lend a hand. And yes, there are people who only feel loved when being spoiled with gifts. These are all accepted love languages and if you know what yours is, it is worth taking a moment or two to figure out what language your partner speaks. (Check out Military Love Languages)
Once you figure out how to love your partner the way they will be able to appreciate it, it is much easier to move forward. I will admit that in past relationships I have tried to love people the way I want to be loved. While that seems like it would make sense, it does me no good to try and cuddle up with someone who does not really appreciate affection. And I have had past partners think spoiling me with fancy, shiny things would win my heart. Little did they know that a 99cent cup of coffee would work far more because it would mean they were going out of their way to do an act of service for me, supplying me with life-giving caffeine!
Even the most well-meaning person can get frustrated when their partner isn’t receptive as they would like to their attempts at showing love.
This is where some of that work I was talking about before comes in. Learn your partner well enough to know which moves will work in order to make a plan while you’re apart from each other. That effort will go a long way when the distance gets to be overwhelming.
Get Dirty
Look, my mom just gave me a lecture about having nude pictures on my phone. She is terrified that my overly tech savvy students are going to hack my phone and see pictures of my bits.
When I asked what her solution would be, I expected her to tell me not to have ANY nudes anywhere. Nope! She told me she would get me a polaroid camera so I could share pictures as need be.
While this might sound like really weird advice, I have to say it might not be the worst idea ever. I am one of those people that believes that if you’re already intimate with someone you trust, then there is no reason not to share the goodies with them in a way that works for you. So why not stick a tempting, tasteful, good old-fashioned polaroid into their bag before they head out for a while? All things retro are back and a polaroid camera is not nearly as hard to come by as they were a few years ago. You could even write a racy come home soon style message on the back. And before you think I’ll telling you to create some audition for a dirty magazine style photoshoot, keep in mind what your partner likes.
Maybe they have told you that you have the most amazing bedroom eyes. Maybe their favorite body part is your strong hands that hold them when they are hurting. Maybe you feel most confident in a great pair of jeans that hug your curves the right way. These pictures can be anything that you and your partner would want to see when you’re apart.
Is a picture too much for you? That is understandable. Heaven forbid that fell into the wrong hands, even if you were tasteful with your snapshot. There is nothing keeping you from getting a little flirty with your words. Send a letter via snail-mail with all the fun things you can’t wait to do again when they are home. Swipe through Pinterest to find a dirty meme to send via text message. Get some inspiration from a smutty passage of a romance novel. Have some fun with it!
Make Time A Priority
I know that finding time to be together when you’re apart can be hard or even seem impossible. But it is not. It just means blocking out time when you know you’ll be able to make a call or Facetime with each other and not allowing there to be distractions when you are having your time. Yes, I do know that military obligations and emergencies can change plans in an instant. But if you are making time for each other, try and make sure that you have cleared your schedule for your long-distance date. If you have kids, you may even want someone to come help you wrangle them for an hour so you can remember that you were a couple before you were parents and deserve to have time alone.
One way to do the long-distance date would be to have a meal together. Plan to have GrubHub deliver to each other when you can’t sit down at a restaurant together. Half the world away from each other? Let them have breakfast while you eat dinner. Personally, I love breakfast for dinner so that would be a perfect excuse to make French toast in the evening.
Can’t have a meal together or even FaceTime too easily due to where your partner is deployed? See if you can’t schedule a time to sign into your shared Netflix account and watch a movie together while apart.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that not all of these ideas will work for every situation. But it is a good list to at least get your gears moving in the right direction. Keeping the relationship a priority when everything else seems to be out of your control is worth the time it takes to plan creative ways to say I Love You.