The title to this Op-Ed is going to invoke reactions. Either you’re in the camp that’s nodding along with me as I type it or there’s some scoffing. For the latter, pull up a seat.
To be considered a well-rounded and mentally healthy individual, there are a few things to check off. For one, you have to have a sense of strong “grit” or as most of us know it, resilience. This means you’ve been able not only to weather difficult circumstances but also unpack and heal from them. Many of us have adverse childhood experiences or ACE’s, that we’ve never addressed. Add that in with military life, it’s a recipe for disaster. Don’t believe me? Check the data.
The Center for Disease Control found that 61% of adults surveyed across 25 states had at least 1 ACE and 1 in 6 experienced more than four. A lot of my day as a therapist is spent unpacking significant childhood trauma. Death of a parent, substance abuse in the home, or abuse. Each ACE adds another layer of hurt and increases our risk factors of engaging in unhealthy coping.
When you add unresolved trauma with constant instability, lack of support and other pain points associated with being a military spouse, it’s no wonder we’re feeling lonely. We have higher rates of depression, anxiety and things like binge drinking. Pair that with the financial instability of unemployment, rising housing costs and food insecurity, we’re in trouble.
And we’re lonely while we try to navigate it all. As a matter of fact, the Surgeon General labeled loneliness as a growing epidemic in 2023.
In fact, I wrote a whole book about it and it was released on March 7, 2023. Never Alone was written specifically for veteran and current military spouses, a love letter if you will. I walk you through my own experiences as a spouse of 15+ years, my clinical knowledge as a therapist and some Biblical epicness through the book of Ruth.
The goal? Showcasing the very real epidemic of loneliness and my solutions for struggling well. For me, it involves getting dirty with your mess and infusing faith into your journey.
How do you establish a sense of belonging when you’ve probably never learned how to cope with stressors in a healthy way and your community of support is repeatedly taken from you? It isn’t easy.To summarize, there are a few pieces of advice I want to leave with you as you examine your own life and loneliness.
- Dive into understanding what loneliness is and what it’s not (it’s so much more than just a feeling)
- Unpack the hard things hovering under the surface
- Build a positive and healthy coping go-bag (music, exercise, healthy eating, breathing exercises and talk therapy are a view ideas)
- Actively seek out your community – we weren’t meant to live life alone
- Invest in moments of joy every single day, self-care isn’t selfish