Gone are the days of early morning runs as I watch the sun peek its head above the horizon. I recently retired from the Army, and I thought my time around military installations was a thing of the past…thought!
Today, I find myself on another Army post hearing the upbeat tune of reveille in the morning and the bugle’s lonesome cry of taps at night. I enjoyed my time serving in the Army as an infantry soldier, but I now serve in a different light. I wear the hat of a military spouse because my wife decided to continue her career as a family nurse practitioner in the Army.
The transition from veteran-turned-military spouse has been difficult at times. I am the one who is used to packing my duffel, kissing the wife and son, and heading out for another prolonged adventure with the Army. I did not have to deal with an upset child, rude neighbors, or any other ludicrous situation which decided to rouse its ugly head. I was in another world, far away from the normal, mundane nuances of a military spouse. Mundane is far from what was taking place at home!
Yes, there will always be an upset child, rude neighbors, and vehicle problems, but what I was unaware of was the profound loneliness a military spouse feels as they wake up each morning with the purpose of tackling another day.
However, that loneliness is coupled with exhaustion and self-doubt. I have been exhausted, and oftentimes dealt with self-doubt while serving in the Army, but it didn’t last. The antagonists of the spouses’ story lingers in a dark corner waiting for us to reveal any glimpse of motivation, confidence, or happiness, and then they ambush us from all sides.
One thing I have seen take place during these sneak attacks is the unity of military spouses. They come together, develop plans for a coordinated counter-attack, and most often, they win the battle. These women are strong, courageous, and overlooked a lot of times.
There is another type of military spouse who goes unnoticed daily. The male military spouse. We are a very small club that is oftentimes shunned by our female counterparts.
I have experienced this apprehension firsthand in many different aspects. My first experience happened when I linked to the spouses’ Facebook page on our installation. I introduced myself, asked a few questions, and was berated for even gracing their public page as a male. Not all of them were rude, but you can feel the uneasiness while reading the responses of those kind enough to help. The overwhelming response I received was to create my own Facebook page for male spouses.
This apprehension bled over to meeting other spouses face to face. I understand their mistrust to an extent, but it sometimes turns into complete avoidance. Maybe female spouses feel this way because of things they have seen on television series such as Army Wives or The Unit. It may also stem from a fear their husbands will become angry with them for talking to another man. Whether it emanates from fictional television shows or from a fear their husbands will distrust them, female spouses have a tendency to avoid becoming friends with male spouses.
However, I have met several female spouses who have become friends. We do not hang out on Thursday evenings for a brewski, but we do say hello and have conversations. My neighbor and I started a group text message which includes my wife. We mostly chat about our children meeting up to play, but the group aspect was created out of respect for our spouses. Military spouses need one another in order to make it through this life we have chosen.
There are ways for male and female spouses to interact and become friends with one another while respecting the sanctity of our marriages.
Male spouses are scraping by each day just like female spouses, but we are mostly doing it alone. It is OK to check on us, give us an opportunity to engage in adult conversation, and see if we need help with anything. Times change, and the view of male spouses needs to as well.